❂

Another April 23rd gone. I'm laying next to my dog right now on the rug and my dad is snoring on the couch. The news is talking about thousands dying in India. The next segment is about the police killing a man. I've realized recently that the way others think of me is as a funny person but to me I'm entirely serious. I think of myself as intense. I have no clue what is going on. What a useless life. It all feels like a heat haze.

I am watching Cremaster 3. I wanted to read today for the first time in months but I ended up falling asleep twice. I walked my dog and he pulled on the leash. There’s still no sense to this. Not any sense to anything else. I’ve lost interest in most things. Things have only become more confusing. Perhaps being very low is much better than being ambiguous. Having a goal or a central drive can keep you focused. I’ve lost my focus and I don’t see any reason for it to return

What does it mean for me to even feel fulfilled of anything, any choices or actions of this last year if I am performing for no one, not even ash, dissipaited in the sea, the air, and the mind. Have I become apathetic and fatigued from continued loss; this deep longing for remembering the touch of another so beloved? There's no sense to April 23rd.

I forgot about April 23rd. I don't think I have anything to show for this last year. I had a dream that my dog died and then woke up and remember he did. Around a year ago Courtney died as well. I still wonder if it was today that she did and if it was, was it because of me. Although that is far too egotistical, all I can think about her death is myself.

I'm not sure. All I know is that it was intentional. I've just been pushing it away. I haven't really faced it. I just want to be consoled by her. I want to be reminded that it's not real.

Aprilll 23rdddddd whoaaaa