Free.

: Btw I'm good at suckin' = wo

When he started to gain back consciousness, the first thing he realized was that he felt extremely cold. He had curled up into a ball in his sleep, shivering. At first he thought he had left the window open and kicked off the blanket but the smell around him didn’t quite fit his bedroom. His eyes batted open when he became suspicious, and truthfully, the sight made him jump and almost gave him a heart attack. He gagged when he sat up, pressing on his chest with a hand when he felt tight squeezing inside it. It was hard to take in all of  it, the unconscious ( but still breathing ) body, the blood scattered on her -- and then, on his hands and shirt.

For a while he was convinced he was dreaming. As much as he wanted to deny that he had lost control of himself again, the reality was that he had, he had invited something in and never said goodbye. She was so lucky to be alive. Since he was going into shock of some sort, he hadn’t an idea of what to do. He got up on wobbly legs and stared at the sight for a while longer before he did the worst thing possible and ran, fast. This is fucked up. It’s so fucked up. He continued to run for a good while, not stopping even when he kept wheezing and his throat was burning with how dry it was, the shock of the situation kept him from realizing that.

He stumbled onto the ground before he noticed he was close to the forest’s end by then. The weight of the guilt washed over him in one big wave and as much as he wanted to give into it, he simply knew he had to leave the place, get into his car and drive off, hell, he could even drive off a cliff if one made an appearance. But she was not dead, she was breathing. He sat into the car. She was injured but hadn’t lost too much blood. He started it and hit the gas. Judging by how it was still a little dim, she hadn’t been unconscious too long. He sped up, bloody hands on the wheel. I could have killed her. 

Knowing that and knowing he had no control over it was the worst feeling on earth. He was hyperventilating in no time and a knot somewhere deep inside must have been unraveled because his eyes watered and his vision blurred with the tears that began to spill, an act which he had forgotten about a long time ago. He had forgotten how to cry for the longest time. It was a shame he was still able to stay on the road and there were no cops to arrest him. He would have deserved all of it, whether it was a tree giving him a good bruising or a pig slapping some handcuffs on him, shoving the scum of the earth in the car.

All those awfully low thoughts about him kept running through his mind all the way to his apartment. He had been able to calm down the tiniest bit but he was still a mess. He grabbed clothes from the backseat to cover his hands and chest from curious eyes and left the car, head hanging in shame when he made his way to the apartment. His only safe place but also the place that made him the most uncomfortable.

He spent the rest of the day in the bathroom, shaking, wasting water under the shower. The blood had washed off but he could still feel it there, he could still see her laying on the ground. That flashback made him gag each time and he had had to throw up once or twice. He didn’t know how to escape those images or how to deal with  it at all and texting or calling someone had passed his mind a thousand times but he had no idea what to say -- or who to approach. He could only think of one person and then think of how he could be yelled at for screwing up like this again when he had received a thousand warnings. He cringed and shook his head, curling into himself. 

             “Soon I will fall asleep and I will wake from this terrible dream.                               The endless night will fall, and I will rise.                                   I long for that night. I do not fear it.                                           I have had my fill of fear.                                 I have stared too long into the abyss,                                and now the abyss stares back at me.”

There was one thing people would always keep telling him; it’s not good to keep things inside too long. You’re slowly tearing your brain and your heart and all the memories you once considered beautiful. In return Koichi would struggle to escape those words like a fish out of water. He had always been the quiet kind, having a strong dislike for sharing too much with other people. He had done well by himself lately, biking around Tokyo and taking a break at the family cottage. He liked to think that had let off some of the steam the new year had brought and for a while he was completely fine.

The problem was people. Koichi was fine until he left the cottage and came back to his apartment in Tokyo. He had always been a people person but lately seeing anyone an uneasy feeling. It wasn’t the alcohol, he had taken a long, good break from it and felt no immediate need to start drinking again. Neither was it the company, but something inside himself telling him not to enjoy those moments. Texting two people at once that night had given him the same anxiety, like those people could jump through the screen and mock him for feeling the way he did. He was speechless and irritated with himself.

When the atmosphere in his own apartment got tense, the grabbed his keys and left the place behind. A little drive out of the city could do good and he was eager to test it out. He drove a long way until he was away from the hectic city, stopping his car to a resting spot where he could possibly keep it the whole night. He dug out a pack of smokes from his car before he got out and locked the doors, glancing around, seeing no one around. It was rather warm outside and the earlier rain had melted the little snow from the ground. He shook his head and slid out a joint from the pack, lighting it up as he leaned onto his car. Yes, he definitely would not be driving after that. There had been worse places to sleep in than a car.

With each inhale he relaxed more. Soon enough he felt better, although the thought of smoking another passed his mind. His phone buzzed occasionally and he responded, as much as it made him less comfortable. His phone was slid back into the jeans’ pocket, and hands dragged over his face, trying to wipe away all the frustration. It was like an on and off switch and now it had been flipped off. Koichi headed right into the forest without a glance back. He kept walking without any trouble even if darkness had fallen over the forest. He was determined, hands clenching into fists.

He wasn’t alone. Something moved nearby, lighting their path with a flashlight. His steps slowed down but he never stopped approaching the stranger, only making his approach very quiet. When the person finally noticed him it was a mere accident, their light shining towards him when he was nearly beside the woman. He was still as a stone suddenly, pulling a startled yell from the female. When her flashlight pointed at him, she began to laugh at her own reaction. He never reacted -- and just when she was opening her mouth, he smacked her down with the back of his hand hitting her jaw. Immediate loss of consciousness. Her body fell limp onto the wet ground with an awful smack.

His head tilted as he looked at the body on the ground. He quietly snarled at the light and stepped over the woman, heading a few steps further to find a stone. He picked it up with both hands, a little smaller than his head in size, and returned to the body, dropping on both knees beside it. He raised the stone and brought it down fast, smashing the flashlight -- and her hand -- in the process. It was the last noise that came from the forest that night. He rolled the stone away and scanned the hand, blood trickling out of the wounds. He reached out to touch it, fingertips smeared immediately. His stare intensified and heartbeat picked up, deep breaths trying to calm him down -- until the thing happened which something tried to hold his hands back from.