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@apatheticmaniac

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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shout out to people with a cluster B disorder who:
- struggles to not be manipulative
- have a hard time caring about others
- has low / no / fluctuating empathy
- needs a lot of attention
- has a god complex
- doesnβt want to recover
- has homicidal intrusive thoughts
- has anger issues
- canβt maintain relationships
you guys are seen as the worst of the worst many times, and you do not deserve it.
I've come to the conclusion that i am not really depressed, rather im just BORED WITH LIFE. life is so mundane that i keep putting myself in situations that could be considered risky or frankly sometimes dangerous ones. I just feel stuck in the grey βeveryday lifeβ that i need adrenaline to simply feel alive.
by golly iβve done it again

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Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
Honesty is for people whose truth is socially acceptable.Β Iβve never had that luxury.Β Lies are the only safe route, and I wonβt apologize for using them.Β Iβll lie about myself as much as I need to, because society would destroy me if they saw my real face.Β Thatβs not melodrama, itβs just the reality of my life.
I hope you guys donβt only think of me as extremely mentally illβ¦
But also a friend x
i think it is selfish how people force me to live. nobody keeps me here. i donβt care for anyone deeply enough to βliveβ for themβ¦.
this is not living, this is dying. at a slow rate

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
Take ur meds they said it will help they said
Me when I take them
unfortunately for everybody i will keep doing whatever i want
and now a continuation of our previous investigation of whether i am really under threat or itβs all in my head.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
anybody else see life as a game? like for example if you do something against someone else, youβre on top, and you need to stop others from getting you. once youβre in complete control, you have won. You will feel fulfilled.
idk if people have come to the realization yet but, it makes life less boring i guess. hunter and prey.
my therapist says itβs an aspd thing? idk.
oh absolutely, thats actually a core foundational aspect of the disordered thought process that makes up aspd. i usually call it a chess match. its a warped worldview that is taught to us by our abusers in order to maintain power and control
aspd is all about control. feeling vulnerable and out of control are what we fear most because its how we were abused and harmed as children and in response to that we crave an unhealthy and disordered amount of control in all aspects of our lives in order to compensate and soothe that anxiety and fear. we believe if we can just control enough things aka "win", we can never be hurt again (this is incorrect, more control will never prevent us from being hurt)
one aspect of that is viewing interpersonal interactions as a game with winners and losers, if we can control enough factors and variables about the situation we can "win" the interaction and maintain control. because we've been conditioned to believe that all interactions are about power and control because thats what all abusive interactions are about
abuse teaches us that whoever maintains the most power is the one who gets their feelings, emotions, boundaries, comfort, ect. respected and the one who loses control and is vulnerable gets taken advantage of and abused. it becomes hurt others or be hurt urself because abuse purposefully doesn't allow for the healthy option where noone is hurt to exist
our abusers then reinforce this by punishing us whenever we "lose" an interaction with them aka give up control and try to approach the situation from a healthy or positive position. abuse actively punishes us for behaving in healthy ways and feeling prosocial emotions because it purposefully takes advantage of them. which is why we learn to associate vulnerability with weakness and positive healthy emotions as a negative thing
we essentially get pavloved in early childhood into thinking left is right and right is left. we get taught that what is good for us will actually hurt us, and what is hurting us is actually good for us. because the people that want to keep hurting us want it to be easy
but this is all absolutely disordered and wrong though. the moment u step outside the abuse and into a healthy relationship, we are now abusive because we are perpetuating that same disordered framework and forcing it onto others. genuinely most other people don't view interactions this way and healthy connections are not built around power or control but around things like support, respect, and trust. interactions dont have winners and losers and most others aren't actually out to purposefully hurt us with our interactions the way our abusers were
this seems like a lie because we've been conditioned to believe abuse is normal and everyone acts and feels this way, but it is very much not true. most people are not looking to purposefully hurt us, thats just what our abusers wanted us to believe so they could justify and normalize how they mistreated us
anybody else see life as a game? like for example if you do something against someone else, youβre on top, and you need to stop others from getting you. once youβre in complete control, you have won. You will feel fulfilled.
idk if people have come to the realization yet but, it makes life less boring i guess. hunter and prey.
my therapist says itβs an aspd thing? idk.