Time, mystical timeCutting me open, then healing me fine

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Jesus, I shouldn’t have asked.” Nicolette scolded herself internally for prying. Even if Aoife’s husband hadn’t passed it wasn’t any of her business to go asking about a previous marriage. “Oh but you’re so beautiful, Aoife. I don’t think anyone could really compare.” The blonde smiled sweetly at her friend. It was nice to have all of her strong feelings validated. Being with David felt right - more right than anything had in years. “You know how to make a girl feel better. I always saw my friends going about their lives like normal while I felt like puking my guts up a good fraction of the time.” So there was a name for what her ex was doing to her? Great. Just one more thing she could add on to the never-ending list. “I’ve done the pills and I had an IUD at one point. I hated both of them. He tried to convince me to get an implant or do the shots but…but I guess I told myself that things would be better at some point and maybe we could be a happy family. That everything was just temporary. God, I feel…ugh.” Stupid. Stupid was what she wanted to say, but Nicolette couldn’t help the manipulation she’d been under. “I take anxiety medication too. I really hate taking medicine. I try to avoid it if at all possible. It can’t be good for you to pump your body full of unnatural shit.”

Aoife could see her chastising herself and reached a hand out to touch the other woman’s. “You didn’t ask,” she told her. “I chose to tell you.” Pausing for a moment, she decided how much more she wanted to say. “It was an accident, a long time ago.” She settled for simple. There was plenty of time for Aoife to tell her the details should she want to hear them. Pulling her hand back she cradled her mug. Blushing a little, she tried not to brush off the compliment. “Thank you, I appreciate that,” She smiled. “I’m still getting used to my body after having the twins. Charlie doesn’t seem to dislike it, but it’s an adjustment,” her smile widened a little at the suggestive comment. “There are a lot of different options out there, no use feeling poorly in the name of preventing pregnancy.” Listening, she felt for her friend, while she’d never been in a controlling relationship as the one Nicolette had briefly described, she knew many women who had. “Everyone wants a happily ever after,” she assured her. “There’s nothing wrong with seeing the good in someone. I’m just glad you were also able to see the bad and move onto bigger and better things. The shot and the implant are both options, but if you’ve had an adverse reaction to pills and IUDs then I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it right off the bat. There are diaphragms, while some people think they’re out dated, they’re still a very valid option. If you’re not keen on taking any more medications especially I would suggest a barrier method along with natural rhythm charting. Are your periods regular for the most part?” Aoife wasn’t one to shy away from honest conversation and it didn’t phase her at all to be talking about menstruation in a coffee shop.  

“I didn’t know you were married before,” Nicolette thought aloud. “Charlie’s pretty fit, right? He looks it from what I’ve seen on social media,” she explained. “Okay, that makes me feel a lot better about how I’m feeling right now. I’ve only known David for a couple of months and we’ve barely been official. I still can’t believe I have a boyfriend again.” Nicolette almost swooned at the term, a smile growing on her face while she thought of David. “I hope you’re right. I feel like you are. It all just feels very, very right. We’ve both been through a lot in life and I feel like that makes it so much easier to know when something is really good. David just is.” She smiled at Aoife, feeling much more comfortable when she realized other women had the same problems. “I always felt like something was just wrong with me. Any kind I tried made me feel so nauseous. Even thinking about being on something makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. My ex he…he made me stay on something to make sure I wouldn’t get pregnant.” Nicolette’s gaze shifted downward, the blonde reliving unsavory memories in her head. “Right now he’s just uh, we’re just doing the whole pull-out thing. I guess condoms are an option but, you know. They kind of take a little bit of the fun out of things.”

“I was,” Aoife nodded, her smile fading a little. “He passed nearly a decade ago.” She wasn’t sure if it was exactly the place to give more detail. She wanted to mention her late son, but figured that could wait for later. “He is,” he face brightened a little. “He’s got quite the physique, he’s into his fitness. Can’t help but worry some very fit woman will swoop in and win his heart,” she half joked. Aoife wasn’t out of shape so to speak, but her body had changed with the twins and she definitely wasn’t what she used to be. She loved seeing her new friend so excited about this man. “If it feels right then go with it, try not to let your mind get in the way. I firmly believe in trusting your heart when it comes to things like love.” Aoife knew a thing or two about finding a good man, she’d been blessed in her life, first with Niall and then with Charlie. She’d grown up around good men and was forever grateful for that, she knew most women weren’t so fortunate. “Nothing is wrong with you, Nicolette, what’s wrong is that they don’t put in enough research to find options for women that have fewer side effects.” She could rant for days about the gaps in women’s health care. “Sounds like quite the charmer,” she snorted, noting the shift in Nicolette’s demeanour. “Reproductive abuse is a very serious form of abuse, I’m glad to hear he is part of your past.” Aoife took another sip from her tea and nodded. “The pull-out method, while not entirely reliable, isn’t bad. I would suggest if you’re not keen on taking a daily tablet then tracking your cycles along with the pull-out method can be very effective. There are also hormone free intrauterine devices that might be a viable option for you. Do you know what brands of birth control you’ve been on before? Some of them are more likely to cause side effects than others.” 

“Right? I know that I’m pretty small to begin with but I like the way he can just carry me around the house with no problem,” Nicolette giggled. “Ugh, he is. I really can’t get enough of him. It’s terrifying honestly. I’m somewhere between waiting for the honeymoon phase to end and feeling like it’s never going to end.” There would always be that worry with Nicolette, the thought that at some point David could find her annoying and she’d become a burden upon him more than anything. But, he was her David, and her David would never do that. “Oh my gosh that’s so cute. They’re so adorable. There’s nothing better than a sweet, sibling relationship. I don’t know where I’d be without my brother.” Nicolette shifted slightly in her seat, fingertips tapping against the cold cup in her hands. “Yeah, since I kind of need it now. I tried a few different methods in the past and anything prescribed to me always made me feel so disgusting. I haven’t been on any kind of birth control since I left my ex,” she explained. “I just don’t feel like being miserable all the time again.”

“Gotta love a big strong man,” Aoife chuckled. “My first husband used to carry me around. I’m sure Charlie could too come to think about it, but he’s never tried.” It was so exciting to see her new friend so delighted. “God I know that feeling,” she grinned, shaking her head. “I thought I was close to losing my mind when Charlie and I first started dating because he was all I could think about. We definitely didn’t take our time and I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Aoife nodded, once again knowing with Nicolette meant. “I wouldn’t worry about the honeymoon ending, I think it just evolves. Some might say I’m still in the honeymoon phase with Charlie because we’ve only been together a couple years, but the love I feel for him is so much more stable now.” Glancing at the picture again before setting her phone down, she smiled to herself. She loved her children more than she could articulate. It was a kind of love she’d been searching for her whole life. “I know what you mean, I’ve always been close with my brothers, it’s hard being this far away though. I hope the kids stay this close as they grow up.” Taking a drink of her tea, she felt the conversation shift. Aoife listened carefully, making sure she was understanding. “Unfortunately I’ve heard of quite a lot of women who struggle when on birth control, but fortunately there are so many methods that I’m sure we can find one that works for you. No one deserves to feel like shit.” She spoke frankly, already running through ideas in her mind. 

aoifermoran​:

Nicolette beamed at the other’s reaction. “I have,” she said, cheeks instantly turning pink. “One thing at a time!” Nicolette giggled, happy to tell all about the new sweetheart in her life. “His name is David Reyes, he supervises construction sites here in town,” she began. “We met at a bar a while back. I went to go try an open mic night and he happened to be there. I was kind of an ass to him at first but he ended up being really sweet,” she explained. “Ugh, yes he is. Here.” Nicolette pulled open her phone and pulled up a picture of her bearded honey, handing it over for Aoife to see. “I’m kind of crazy about him. Is it silly to be that way so soon? We’ve barely been officially dating but I want to spend every waking moment with him,” she sighed. “Aw, what grade is she in? I bet the twins are going to miss her being around, aren’t they? Do you guys have a plan for when you both start working again?” Nicolette took a small sip from her drink. “Speaking of your work…I had a question to ask you. And no, I’m not pregnant. I wanted to see if you could give me some advice on how not to be.”

Grinning as she waited eagerly to hear Nicolette’s news, Aoife was ready to tuck in on the updates. She’d missed having a good chat with a friend. “Ooh, construction is sexy,” she giggled, acting more like a school girl than a grown woman and mother. Leaning towards Nicolette she peered at the picture. “Wow,” she nodded taking the phone to get a closer look. “He’s very handsome,” she agreed, still grinning and passed the phone back. “I don’t think it’s wrong to fall quickly. I knew I was in love with Charlie after a month after our first date.” It was so vivid in her memory, the early days of falling for her future husband. “She’s in the first grade,” Aoife’s mind shifted back to the conversation. “I think they definitely notice her gone, but they’re all so excited when they’re reunited.” Pulling out her phone, Aoife scrolled to a picture she’d caught of Emma greeting the twins after the first day of school. “They’re crazy about each other,” she beamed. Putting her phone away she took a sip of her tea. “Absolutely,” Aoife nodded, sitting up a little straighter. “You’re interested in birth control options?” she clarified. 

“Whatever you can get? Even if it only lasts a minute?” He was joking, always joking, but at this rate even the thought of finally getting time to be intimate with Aoife had Charlie wondering how much he could take before teetering over the edge. Once inside the bedroom Charlie’s arms were wrapped around Aoife’s waist, pressing hard into her kiss and moaning against her lips. “Bed. Now,” the man commanded, pushing her figure towards the mattress.

Walking backwards as he pushed her towards the bed, her lips stayed on his and her hands began tugging at his shirt. The growl in his voice drove her wild and she pressed her hand against his abdomen under his shirt. His warm skin made her smile and she couldn’t wait to press her body on his. The backs of her legs hit the bed and she fell back onto the mattress, her breathing already heavy. “How do you want me?” she looked up at him seductively. There was nothing sexy about her leggings and sweatshirt combination, but with Charlie looking at her she felt like she was in perfect form. 

“A lie down sounds like a good idea,” Charlie grinned, giving Aoife’s hand a squeeze before he followed her out of the room. “So how long of a nap are we taking, Mama?” Charlie teased as they made their way towards the bedroom. “A quick nap to get a little rest in, or are we looking for some nice, deep REM sleep?” She couldn’t see for being in front of him, but Charlie’s eyes had drastically darkened with the thought of getting some alone time with his future wife. 

Aoife grinned deviously when they’d left the nursery, making their way to their own room. “I’ll take whatever I can get,” she turned her head, catching glimpse of him and hurrying her steps, pulling him into the room and into her arms. “It feels like we haven’t been alone together in ages,” she sighed with a soft smile, her arms draped over his shoulders. “I love our family, but how are we going to expand it if we always have our arms full,” she smirked. She wasn’t exactly ready to have another baby, but she was definitely interested in practicing. Pressing her body against his, Aoife kissed her future husband with a kind of urgency. They didn’t know how long they hand and she wasn’t about to waste a minute. 

“The emotional part was better than the constant nauseousness. I don’t get sick as often now which is great, because I missed food. Also I’m super hungry all the time. Which I guess I’ve always been pretty hungry all the time but this is another level,” he picked up a french fry and chewed it thoughtfully before swallowing. Her accent didn’t really bother him, he’d traveled the world for many years and he’d come across a whole lot of accents. Eventually he’d learned to decipher most of them, over plenty of time and with plenty of practice in dealing with his coworkers in the circus. “I know it’s not really the norm, so I’ll answer whatever questions I can. Honestly I’m not all that knowledgeable either. If I was I probably wouldn’t be in this position,” he blushed and shrugged his shoulders. “Fun fact, testosterone is not birth control, and some trans guys are just dumb,” he meant himself by that. “Not that I ever thought I was smart. But still,” he ate another fry. “I would really appreciate your help through this,” Frankie nodded his head. “I don’t really find it easy to talk to many people but I’m having no trouble here. Which seems almost like a sign or something to me.” The word ‘doula’ sounded vaguely familiar but he wasn’t really sure what it was. Frankie was pretty sure it was a word mentioned by his doctor once. “Maybe? I don’t know what that is though.”

“Ugh I do not miss that feeling at all,” she shook her head. Morning sickness had been kind to her, only lasting the first trimester for the most part. “It’s almost a relief when it the appetite returns,” she chuckled. “Like you’ve got to make up for lost time. But if it’s any comfort you really only need a few hundred extra calories a day when pre....” pausing she looked at him. “Is that a term that makes you uncomfortable?” she asked point blank. If they were going to be working together she needed to know what he was comfortable with and she wasn’t one to tip-toe around things. “I appreciate that.” Aoife tried not to laugh when he told her testosterone wasn’t birth control. It certainly wasn’t and the more she thought about it the more it irritated her that people weren’t being provided proper health direction and instruction. She’d spent her career helping to educate people on the facts of birth and pregnancy, and she’d spend her life fighting for proper sexual health education. “I’m glad you’re feeling comfortable,” she smiled, her irritation fading, though he’d have never known it from her face. “A doula is someone who offers you more emotional support, which is something I do as well, but sometimes it’s nice to have that extra person who can provide care and help with natural pain relief when the time comes. I can do those things, but I focus mainly on the medical side so I’m not completely dedicated to comfort measures. Some people describe it as having a parental figure for the parents, both the birthing parent and the partner.” She was careful as she explained the role of a doula, making sure not to slip into her use of feminine terms. 

In Emma’s room Charlie grabbed up her comforter from her bed and went into her closet to grab a few of her extra blankets, her pillow and a stuff animal being the last two things he’d get before returning to the twins’ room. “She’s asleep already?” The man mouthed to Aoife, a smile curving his lips at the sight of his snoozing daughter. It warmed his heart, seeing her curled up on Aoife’s lap and so comfortably dreaming away with the woman she’d soon call her step-mother. He was lucky their relationship had been so effortless, both Aoife and Emma accepting one another so easily and lovingly. Charlie folded Em’s comforter on the floor to make a soft palette for her to lay on, then picked the little girl up and covered her with blankets when she was atop her little nest. “Think we’re good?” Charlie whispered to Aoife, holding his hand out for her to take.

“She is,” Aoife whispered with a smile, glancing down at the girl in her arms. She was still small enough that she could be held comfortably. They’d been so fortunate with their transition into a family. Emma and Aoife got along famously and it has been easy for Aoife to fit into the motherly role that felt right for them. She knew she’d never replace Emma’s mother, but it was nice to be a close second. Letting Charlie life Emma from her arms, she watched him lay her on the makeshift bed. All her babes in one room, it made her feel warm and safe. “I think so,” she took his hand and carefully stepped around Emma. “I think it might be time for us to have a lie down.” she winked. 

“Right?” Nicolette snuggled herself deeper into the chair, reaching over for the ice matcha latte she’d bought moments before to cool down and give herself something to occupy her nervous hands. “I’m great! Things have been pretty amazing on my side of things lately. A lot of life updates,” she grinned. “I um, I’ve been seeing this guy for almost two months now.” The words startled Nicolette herself, the woman realizing just how long their time had been together and how short it was as well. “What about you? How are the twins? And Charlie, right?”

Her tea on the table between them, Aoife smoothed her shirt with her hands and began to relax a little. She was excited to see the other woman, eager to get to know her better. In recent days Aoife had been missing her friends and female companionship. She’d always been a “girls’ girl,” as her mother put it, and while she adored the men in her life, there was something special about being friends with other women that she’d always felt drawn to. “You have?” she gasped, leaning forward in her chair a little. “Tell me about him? How did you meet? Is he handsome?” sounding like a school girl, she grinned, ready to be filled in. “Not a lot happening really, we’ve finally unpacked completely. Emma starred school. The twins are good! Trying their hand at crawling,” Aoife beamed talking about her children. “Charlie, yes. He’s doing well. Getting close to opening the new diner which will be a lot of fun.”

Frankie nodded, smiling at her. She was definitely nice. And she was warm, which he knew he needed. It was difficult for him to form connections with people as it was but she didn’t seem to think he was weird yet. That was usually an instantaneous realization for most people that met him, he was pretty sure. “Trust me I know. I mean I’m thankful for my doctors feeding me hormones half my life and stuff but it’s definitely a roller coaster sometimes,” he picked up another french fry and took a bite. “But also I think I’ve always been pretty put together emotionally? I’m just not a super emotional person in general. And I have a whole new respect for people that get teary during touching commercials,” he shrugged his shoulders and finished the fry in his hand, watching her take out her notebook. “That’s fine. Did you have any questions or anything? I mean it was tough finding a place that had any experience with my situation so I don’t know if you’ve worked with this sort of thing before. And I definitely cannot be the person to educate an entire staff, but I don’t mind explaining anything to one person. Especially when you might be willing to work with me through all of this, because I mean I’m definitely struggling with it all.”

Aoife had always been a people person. She wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, but she enjoyed connecting with others and really getting to know them and their stories. “I can imagine,” she chuckled politely. “I had twins in January and it was quite the emotional shift, so I can imagine you’re experiencing something even more intense.” Aoife didn’t know the first thing about the complexities the man before her faced in his life, she imagined, like anyone, he’d faced his share of adversity but she wasn’t in the place to judge, it wasn’t her style. Laughing when he spoke of tearing up at commercials she blushed a little, knowing she was that person. It had started during her first pregnancy and only gotten worse since her twins were born. Glancing down at her notebook, she wrote his name carefully on the top of the page and dated it. “I won’t pretend I have experience caring for someone in your situation, nor do I have a vast amount of knowledge. But I am always open to learning, whether that be from you or other educational resources,” she smiled, her voice was at a low and even tone, as pleasant as always and a little slower than her usual speech pattern. With her accent still prominent, she made sure to slow down with people she’d just met, knowing that she had a tendency to speak quickly and unclearly, especially when she was excited. “And the good thing about midwifery care is you seldom have to explain yourself over and over because unless there are complications you’ll really only be working with me and whoever else you choose to bring into your care team.” She nodded when he mentioned he was struggling, frowning slightly. “I’m definitely open to working with you, Frankie. If you’d like, I would love to be your midwife,” her smile lifted again and she jotted a few things down on her page. “Have you ever heard of a doula?” she asked as the question popped into her head.

“You sly thing you,” Charlie mumbled to Aoife, catching the wicked little look on her face. “Let’s hope the triple nap works out. Maybe we won’t have to rush too much, huh?” He winked back at her, bouncing Winnie gently as he carried her into the nursery to put her in her own crib. “She’s out like a light.” He gazed at the little girl, long eyelashes curling under sleeping eyelids. “Beautiful,” Charlie whispered, hardly noticing Emma standing by his side and looking into the crib as well. “Just like her sister,” the man added, earning a smile from the little girl. “Daddy, can I sleep in here with the babies?” The six-year-old yawned. “Of course. Let me fix you up a palette you can lay down on, okay? Maybe we can put some noise on to help all three of you relax.” Charlie turned Emma towards Aoife, the little girl clinging sleepily to the woman’s legs. “I’ll be back with some blankets and pillows. It’ll just be a minute.”

Aoife made sure to swing her hips as she walked into the nursery, giving Charlie something to admire as he followed.”It better work,” she chuckled. Setting Tadhg in the crib, he stretched but stayed asleep. With Winnie beside him they looked so peaceful. “We are very lucky parents,” Aoife grinned down at her sleeping babies then looked to Charlie and Emma. “Must be the Foxworth genes,” she winked at Emma. Putting her arm around the little girl as she rest against her leg, holding her tightly. She loved how comfortable Emma was with her, how easily she’d accepted her as a motherly figure. Stroking Emma’s hair, she leaned down and picked the sleepy girl up, taking her to the rocking chair. Sitting with her on his lap she continued to stroke her hair, rocking slowly and reaching to turn on the sound machine and the soft glow night light. The sound of ocean waves filled the room and Aoife felt Emma’s head fall onto her shoulder. She hadn’t even had a chance to speak before the girl was out.