Anxious Brain

me: hi, i have an important question, what's your favorite ice cream flavor?

they: cheesecake, mint and choco chips, you?

How are you there? it is almost 6 months. 6 months of taking a break and trying not to work much. i know i am not really good at finding you my love.

current priorities, i am trying to take care of my mental health so i can stay alive tomorrow. i am a lot better now. i don’t have intention to stop living any more. at the moment, i like thinking about ‘tomorrow’. i try to slow down and to stay healthy physically after having too many scars.

i fell down 2 times, bike accident. lol, i have much more scars compared to a year ago. i think i space out during those 2 accidents and i thought about how to stop living. now i know being suicidal is not really solving the problem. but then, now i know being happy is also not really solving the problem. it is less painful though. so what is exactly my problem ? such a hard question to answer, and men probably would think i have a lot of issues. then, what are my issues exactly?

lol, love, this letter turns into too many questions.

What kind of life that I want to have? 

1. I want to be happy;

2. I want to have a house;

3. I want to be happy in my own house;

4. I will figure out a way to earn money later next year;

5. I want to have a family of my own; and

what is fearful about saying good bye?

I am not sure, but I want to cry a lot now. I am trying to be honest and thinking about why do i afraid to say good bye.

Besok saya akan mencoba bilang selamat tinggal pada teman-teman kerja. Saya takut akan menangis. Saya akan coba untuk tidak menangis.

kira-kira ini yang akan saya ucapkan:

1. terimakasih sudah memberikan kesempatan untuk saya bekerja bersama kalian

2. ada banyak hal yang masih saya perlu pelajari, namun semoga kalian memahami bahwa saya sudah mencoba sebaik mungkin

3. saya hanya bisa berencana untuk tinggal dan bekerja di Vietnam selama masa kontrak saya, namun ada hal-hal yg berada diluar kontrol saya seperti unplanned event yang sering kita sebutkan dalam ESIA

4. saya suka bekerja dengan kantor ini dan saya bekerja di kantor ini selama hampir 4 tahun, namun semuanya tetap terasa seperti kemarin

5. saya bekerja dengan kantor ini namun saya juga banyak bekerja dengan kantor-kantor lain di luar vietnam