LovelyBane

It has only been a few years since I was on here for more than a minute at a time and yet it feels like its been several lifetimes.

When I was last here I had ambition and goals. I had hopes and dreams. I was able to do things like communicate effectively, like my brain wasnt damaged as fuck. Now, I have nothing.

I loved and gave everything for the person I cared about. Gave them all the money I could afford to. Slept on the streets for months through the dead of winter so they could take my home and have a warm and safe place to live. I cooked for them and was met with insults that it's not like the food their mother makes.

When we agreed that I would use my income to cover most of the bills and you would do the savings, I was later hit with insults about how I wasn't saving enough. You called me "complacent" and told me you'd leave me behind if I didn't catch up. How was I supposed to catch up? All my money went to you. You made twice the amount of money in a month than I did. Usually even more. You worked a far easier job too. I worked myself to the bone taking care of people. So exhausted that when I came home I had 30 minutes to myself and would basically crash the moment I sat still.

You spent your money like it grew on trees.

Weed every day. Domino's for every meal because you didn't like what I made even when I tried to make it for you.

You bought a top of the line android phone, changed your mind and swapped to the current top teir IPhone, then decided you wanted the android back wasting hundreds of dollars in the process.

Ubers to and from work when I couldn't take you to work instead of using the city bus... as if it wasn't a short walk to the bus stop and only one bus in a single direction to your job... Fast food for lunch every day, either because i'd pick it up and bring it to you between my two jobs or because you used Uber eats for delivery. And if i was delayed to pick you up lunch or to go home? You'd verbally abuse me.

When I would be stuck late because I had to make sure my patients didn't die or was stuck behind school busses and didn't have time to pick you up before heading to my next job, you said it would be my fault if you ended up in the hospital... when I went to find you after work, you hid away from the main street so I couldn't see you as I drove by looking for you... even though I offered to pay for an Uber those times, even when I couldn't afford it. You made me think I was at fault every day.

You threatened to kill yourself so often it stopped having any actual meaning beyond a panic response and a fear that you'd do it and it would disturb the house you shared with my grandparents.

I was so tired of everything. So tired of doing everything and getting threatened of being left behind if i couldn't keep up. Tired of being used and abused.

Oh and speaking of bones? Guess who was working every day in hard work with broken bones? Me. Every day I cooked, cleaned, worked the house and yard, worked outside, and took care of patients - Rain or shine. Snow, sleet, or wind - with broken bones. Bones that will literally never heal again. I was in agony but I thought I was working for us and being the backbone to building our future.

I gave everything and all I got was abuse. Even when we split up, I graciously didn't make your life hell. I let you stay in the house. I didn't make a fuss. The only thing that changed outwardly was I was not paying for or doing anything for you. I agreed to take you to work and pick you up on my terms, but everything else you had to ask for.

Even then, you'd make life hell. Still threatening to off yourself in my family home. We'd have a few good days every now and then. You'd give me something and I'd say thank you, then you'd have an argument out of nowhere and start accusing me of cheating and being a gold digger and try to take back gifts. What gold was there to dig? I supported and gave you money for years when you had no job. If i wanted to be a gold digger why would I do that? And I never cheated on you.

You couldn't even remember my birthday month after being together for 8 years... It was in the same month as yours...

I'm just a shell of a person now. You made sure of that. You broke me down until there was nothing left, and I will never forgive you. I only wish I had not brought you home when you needed a place. That I'd cut you off years before when you broke up with me the first time through text "because you couldn't talk" after being at a party or rave the night before. I wish I'd moved on with my life sooner.