Healing attachment styles:
When you have an attatchment style like anxious especially or even detatched/avoidant, or even disorganized you may fall into karmic cycles and habits that pull you to love someone wholeheartedly (or in some cases be infatuated with someone,obsessive, or attatched) who you know on a subconscious level isnât going to fulfill your needs or isnât able or capable of giving you what you need out of a relationship. You may desire true love, you may desire deep connections, true intimacy, passion, safety, etc. and all of these wonderful things BUT the love and attention youâre used to receiving (even on a fundamental level because attatchment styles are developed early) isnât what is going to meet your needs. And your idea of what love or what it means or be valued or desired is skewed or warped. So, now when youâre presented with a healthy individual who is capable of caring for you and capable of giving you what you need, you may run from that person or find yourself uninterested or unable to connect with them. But, you are familiar with unhealthy relationships and behavioral patterns and so when presented with those, you find yourself easily attached or feeling some semblance of safety or belonging in those connections.
Start potentially thinking about what types of things you want or desire in your relationships. Donât pass judgment on yourself or on these things just yet, just reflect. Be honest with yourself. Think about your ideas about what it means to love and be loved as well.
Try to identify what type of attachment style you may have. Look into the attachment styles, think about your parents and the way they handled you as a child or in your youth, etc.
Start thinking about what types of things trigger you or make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in your relationships. (People canceling last minute plans, being left alone, when you start to become close with someone, etc.)
Ask yourself why these triggers may exist. Thereâs always a root cause of something youâre feeling however small it may seem on the surface. (Example: you may have a tendency to withdraw when things become serious or when you feel close to someone or when things are going well within a connection. This reflects a fear of deeper commitment or deeper vulnerability and connection. If you are open and receptive, your person may abandon you, may hurt your feelings or may decide to leave you and you donât feel prepared to deal with or feel the emotional consequences of a situation like that.)
Learn how to be reflective and how to identify the way you feel. Easier said than done for most. But it helps to begin this journey with yourself first, you can practice journaling or sitting with yourself to reflect on how you feel and identify how you feel. If you donât know how you feel right away when a situation arises, thatâs okay, give yourself a moment to come to a conclusion and reflect. (Maybe you feel embarrassed, maybe you feel shameful, maybe you feel guilty, angry, sad, etc.) when you find out how you feel, you can begin to ask yourself why.
You can begin to learn how to communicate with others now. This part is difficult too. You may have to overcome a fear of vulnerability, a fear of rejection, a fear of being misunderstood, a fear of burdening others with your emotions/needs. When given a situation where you feel some kind of way in a connection whether it be platonic or romantic, you can take small steps by learning how to set boundaries, by making sure you tell people what you dislike or what you may feel hurt your feelings or made you feel uncomfortable about their behavior (AFTER you reflect on how you feel, during this process, itâs important you learn to be proactive instead of reactive.) in order to communicate effectively, you must see yourself clearly first.
Healing an attachment style is a big feat, itâs not an easy task, there will be moments where youâll have to identify if youâre triggered or if someone has intentionally caused you harm or has mistreated you, youâre going to have to be able to communicate through that and be able to self reflect and be still for a while whilst you ground your energy and come to terms with your feelings.
There will absolutely be moments where you may make the mistake of accepting bad things or you may fall into karmic cycles or be tempted by people and things and youâll need to think about what you deserve vs what you feel pulled to from a wounded aspect of yourself.
There will be moments where significant others in your life like partners and especially parents are people youâre going to have to hold accountable or take off of a pedestal and see honestly.
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