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Yu Tsai brings the four remaining models out to the middle of the desert and oddly doesn’t even allude to murdering them this time.

Favorite place to shoot what - a load on a guy you found on Craigslist? This is a seedy motel! Anyway, Yu Tsai announces the return of a special guest:

In all honesty, I don’t remember her. Might just be all the fresh Botox injections. Melissa and some other dude talk about how Zappos Couture is on a “journey” toward a new identity, which I think is their way of saying they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing with this brand yet and until then, they’re even willing to let a reality show contestant be the “face” of their high fashion line since a face isn’t even important when it comes to modeling shoes.  Let’s let Melissa explain it:

Melissa, honey, you are just saying big words that don’t make any sense together. Somehow, Lacey thinks she understands what Melissa is talking about, though.

God, can you imagine what reading Lacey’s journal would actually be like?

Yikes.

I also loved this random moment with Lacey in hair and makeup:

Uh, of course Lacey realizes that’s not really a gun. If she did think it were a gun, she’d be justified in trying to shoot her humorless fuck of a hairdresser in the face.

Yu Tsai’s on a tear, too. First he unironically calls Mamé a hot bitch.

Then he celebrates the end of the shoot with a gratuitous roundoff. Bitch thinks he’s Dominique Moceanu or something.

During the shoot, Nyle serves his usual brand of “dapper.” Mamé goes for her usual brand of “regal.” No surprises there.

Meanwhile, Lacey does her best to make sure her poses are “sexy” rather than “sleazy,” but she’s set up for failure given they’re having her model on top of a motel bed. The setting is inherently sleazy, so of course it’s going to look inappropriate. It’s almost as preposterous as Mikey’s repeated assertion that he’s trying to look “expensive” in his photos. Again - this is a cheap motel. Standing in a room that costs you just $35 a night plus a severe case of bed begs will never look “expensive.”

Accordingly, the crew is unimpressed with Mikey’s posing. They hate how he looks when he tries to “model,” which you think would be an important trait to have in a modeling competition, but all right! Yu Tsai repeatedly tells Mikey to just be himself rather than model. Uh oh, you know what happens when he just behaves normally - he gets horny.

That’s exactly what Yu Tsai wants, apparently. He has Mikey start eye-fucking Melissa while he poses, and suddenly, he supposedly starts taking better pictures!

Melissa is all-too-happy to assist Mikey in this process. Calm down, woman! Try to not get your ridiculous fur collar damp… this is not the professional behavior you’d expect from a Zappos marketing exec! Still, it’s nice to know that Mikey has a sugar mama he can pursue if this whole modeling thing doesn’t work out. He does “specialize in older women” after all. Can’t wait to see Tocks sold exclusively through Zappos Couture!

The thing is, he’s probably winning this show. ANTM just edited a sequence to make it seem like Mikey’s #1 flaw just became an asset - that somehow his womanizing ways actually improve his modeling skills. It’s a bunch of crap, but it’s crap they’re serving to serve to us on a spoon so… eat up??