anterograde

Cash watches Ashley’s retreating form after finally getting her to leave his office. Resting his forehead against the cool metal of the doorframe he sighs, eyes slipping closed for a moment. 

“I thought you told her to stop coming to staff only areas —“ 

“Jesus Christ, Susan!” Cash yelps, clutching his chest after being startled. 

“As you know, only museum personnel are allowed back here. We’re all adults here, we know what’s going on. Paul thinks you’re sleeping with an intern —”

Cash finally puts his hand up to stop Susan, “I said something to her already. And I told Paul she wasn’t an intern.” 

Susan stares at Cash and he hates not knowing what she’s thinking. 

The Riverfield Museum of Modern Art was hanging by a thread until the government stepped in and gave them a grant, and suggested they outsource new help. The newly appointed directors board of people with decades of experience from other museums all over the country, who also, outsourced more help. 

The job pays scraps but everyone loves what they do so they don’t complain. Susan is one of those transplants and with her lack of small town mentality, she and Cash established a rapport easily. 

She’s age appropriate and objectively attractive, a few late nights at the museum had Cash wondering if there was something there between them and he could tell she was on the same page. They have the same passion for research and art; both have hardass military fathers, PhD’s in art history, it seemed inevitable. 

Susan is a widow, her husband ending his life after suffering from the chemicals he was exposed to during the Gulf War for decades, she seemed healed for the most part, understanding why her husband did it. She wasn’t the first widow Cash had flirted with and when he met her, he thought she wouldn’t be the last. He was wrong. 

Cash can’t tell if she judges him from a place of professionalism or jealousy or even worse: both.

“You have no reason to date a twenty five –” 

“She’s twenty-nine and we like each other, it’s not serious. I’ve been waiting for her to figure that out on her own. Until then we’re having fun. It’s casual.”  Cash doesn’t know why he’s so defensive when they’re friends with benefits, Ashley is still adjusting to having a real man give her the sex her body needed so she’s acting out. He tried to push her away, but she was relentless, Cash couldn’t resist – he didn’t want to, even when he told her to stop coming around, he was waiting for her to come back. Cash has found himself addicted to her insatiable appetite.

“Is this a sugar baby thing? Are you using this young woman to gain back some of your youth?” Susan asks, genuinely confused about the turn of events between the pair, wanting to keep things professional, she had suggested they stop getting dinner together after work and a month later a woman young enough to be their daughter starts showing up, throwing herself all over Cash. Susan’s pride has taken a hit but they’re both at the age where these games don’t need to be played. 

Cash’s face scrunches up in disbelief, the embarrassment making him cringe, “really, Susan? You and I both know this job doesn’t pay enough for me to be anyone’s sugar daddy. No. I’m not using her, our ages are the furthest thing on my mind when we’re together.” 

Because they never go anywhere, Cash knows the optics look crazy.

His friends have started talking to younger women but dating hasn’t been on the forefront of Cash’s mind, all the women his age in town are either married to a man he knows or is a lesbian or in Susan’s case too uptight to go out. 

He was too tired – mentally and physically from rebuilding the museum from the ground up to think about any sort of romantic connections. At times, he did miss intimacy, not the actual sex, but being close to someone but it wasn’t a priority, work was. 

“Whether you think about it or not, it’s always going to be the elephant in the room, she’s old enough to be –” 

“Susan, what I do in my personal life is none of your business,” Cash interjects before she finishes her sentence, “and that was your decision,” he looks down at her pointedly, brow raised daring her to say otherwise when they both know the truth. 

From a professional point of view Cash gets it, you don’t shit where you eat, dating a coworker is a giant fuck no. Yet, Cash’s ego was bruised that he wasn’t worth breaking professional boundaries over, he didn’t even have real romantic feelings for her yet, they would get dinner together after working late, talk about art with a bottle of wine and he’d foot the bill. After the third time, Cash got presumptuous, figuring this would be a regular thing. Obviously he was wrong and Susan told him they weren’t getting dinner anymore one on one anymore and Cash accepted it.

“Nothing good can come you two being together. Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Susan says with defeat and Cash sighs, nodding. 

2002:

It was a lovely ceremony. Cash's date cried silently the whole time and he kept giving her tissues from a mini pack he keeps in his suit jacket. He wears the same jacket to weddings and funerals, so, it made sense to just have some in the inner breast pocket at all times. It’s a child-free wedding with an open bar, Cash takes advantage until his bladder reminds him it’s only so big and he excuses himself. 

Cash stares at the words written above the urinal, Jessica is a lovely woman: tall, beautiful, classy personality and her parents come from money — lots of money, that’s how they met. Jessica’s father likes rare art, Cash helped him a few times and next thing he knows he’s spending autumns with the family in Florence with a job at one of the most prestigious art museums. John took a liking to Cash, so naturally, his only child and future heiress to his fortune also took an interest in him as well. This was three years ago. 

More and more lately the topic of marriage has been coming up in conversations, especially at her parents house, it makes sense, Jessica is forty five and the oldest woman he’s ever been with. She has a cool twelve years on Cash. They’ve been having a lot of fun, why do they need to get married? All the married couples Cash knows are secretly miserable, they salivate at the chance to tell him so. That isn’t stopping Jessica and her family from dropping hints, at thirty three Cash should be ready for marriage but he’s far from it, and the reality hangs over their relationship and — the lifestyle that this relationship has given him. Which leaves Cash with a lot to ponder. 

He’s zipping up his fly when David walks in and Cash waits by the sink after washing his hands for David to do the same before he starts talking, thankfully they’ve managed to become cordial, lots of childhood friends grow up and apart, whether a girl got between them or not, all that matters is that they can have a conversation without any of the awkwardness. “How did you know you were ready to marry Esther?”

David glances over at Cash as he washes his hands, grabbing a paper towel. “We prayed about, and God told us it was time to create that covenant with him –” 

“Spare me the church talk, it’s just us in here” Cash interjects before David goes further into sermon mode, waving his hand to stop him. 

“Okay okay, we were horny, we were in love, I always knew we would get married, we didn’t want to wait any longer.” 

Cash appreciates the honesty and chuckles, “well, I’m not a virgin so I need another excuse to marry this woman.” 

“Do you love her?”

“Yeah, but –”

“But you don’t want to marry her?” David finishes for his old friend, giving him a knowing look. 

Cash doesn’t answer immediately, tossing the paper towel in the trash, studying his reflection in the mirror. He doesn’t know what’s stopping him. Jessica is the perfect woman for Cash but nothing in his heart or mind tells him to take that next step, to buy her a ring and make things permanent, they’re having fun, “I don’t want a ring to change things.” I don’t wanna lose my freedom.

David doesn’t have all day to play therapist in the restroom and another man comes in, the room isn’t that big so he looks at Cash, smoothing over the lapels of his jacket he looks at his friend, “talk to her and figure out what’s next for your relationship. Talking to me won’t fix anything. Whether you marry her or not she deserves your honesty.” 

Cash rolls his eyes but acquiesces at the same time, his head a curt nod and David pats his chest. He was always the voice of reason when Cash was younger, keeping him out of trouble as much as he could until he moved away and life went on without him and everyone changed. But Cash has changed too. 

–

Cash and Jessica walk along the shoreline at the beach in Charleston. Every year since 1995 Cash and the rest of his frat visit their brother Mark’s grave and hang out with his family. It’s typically only the guys, Jessica insisted she tag along, wanting to visit the small town of Sullivan’s island for herself, being an east coast woman most of her life, Cash is far from a country bumpkin but South Carolina and Texas are way different than New York her curiosity wouldn’t escape her and despite his numerous warnings that it was a guy’s trip Jessica showed up anyways. The initial hostility towards her presence was dismissed when she told the group of annoyed frat boys that she brought pot with her and they welcomed the older woman with open arms much to Cash’s chagrin. That was three days ago. 

“It’s so… picturesque here, darling,” Jessica sighs happily, swinging their arms, “a beach wedding would be perfect,” she squeezes his hand as she slips into a reverie that Cash quickly pulls the older woman out of. 

“We’re not getting married,” Cash finally admits bluntly after stopping them, there is a shell piercing into the bottom of his foot and he accepts the pain of his skin being stabbed open as his punishment for the look on Jessica’s face. The slap she gives a second later he decides he deserved as well. It’s just… all week she’d been talking about weddings. Jessica wanted to come on the trip to get to know his friends, winning them over and cracking marriage jokes with them. When Cash tried to be gentle about it, not wanting to talk about wedding stuff during the trip, he was shot down; Jessica isn’t used to not getting her way.

Leaving Cash frustrated while handling his grief — out of everyone in their pledge class, Cash and Mark were the closest, they lived together. It was his idea to tell Mark’s parents to spread his ashes in Sullivan’s Island and Jessica keeps making it about a wedding that’s never going to happen. 

“I don’t wanna get married, Jessica. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you soon. These past few years have been so much fun! And I don’t see the need to complicate that with the fanfare of a ceremony and a piece of —“ 

Jessica slaps him again and  stomps back up to the beach house they’ve rented for the week to pack her bags without a word to the others, taking the first flight home. 

When Cash returns to their shared Manhattan penthouse he’s greeted by all his possessions boxed up in the lobby. 

2013:

Cash hates attending funerals, and prefers to avoid them as much as possible but sometimes he has no choice and his attendance is non-negotiable. He hates when he’s reminded of his mortality, Cash has been on borrowed time since his first breath. He turns forty-five next year but his now dead friend won’t and that freaks Cash the hell out.

One of the last stragglers left in the cemetery minus the family, Cash sighs as he stares down at the tombstone. Cheryl and Cash lived on the same block for a little bit when he was growing up until they moved to a different street but the town is so small he still saw her nearly every day at school until he moved away and every time Cash came back to visit or spend months at a time, he and Cheryl would bump into each other and it was always nice to catch up and they always made sure to wish each other happy birthday.

He knew about the cancer, everyone did, no one knew it was terminal minus Cheryl and her husband; which was on purpose apparently.

The Jungs own a bakery that’s been family owned and operated since 1964, Cheryl started working there when she was five and eventually after her parents died Cheryl and her brother Randall took full control, their respective families helping out. Ppang was the go-to bakery, if you were to attend any sort of event in town? Ppang probably provided the cake, or the cupcakes, whatever baked goods you needed. Cash was rather fond of the banana bread, his heart belongs to the cinnamon rolls but the banana bread the healthier option. Randall isn’t much of a baker, he kept an eye on the books – something he passed down to his son after his stroke left him unable to work while Cheryl woke up at the crack of dawn every morning for decades to bake the offerings for the day with her two daughters once they were old enough to willingly wake up that early (on the weekends, school was more important to Cheryl.)

At the beginning of 2011 Cheryl made a post on the Ppang Facebook page saying she was taking a step back from working to prioritize her health – she was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer – but was determined to beat it. The whole community rallied around Cheryl, her family and the town’s beloved bakery and 2012 she was in remission.

Everything seemed fine – she started baking again, the girls were preparing for college in the next year or so – until it wasn’t. The blood work didn’t look promising, Cheryl was constantly exhausted and the oncologist two hours away said it was best for Cheryl to try to stay as comfortable as possible. Not wanting to scare her children, her friends and family, they didn’t say anything. Wanting to keep the happier atmosphere that had finally re-entered their home after a year of aggressive treatment.

Cheryl fainted outside of church after service Wednesday evening two weeks ago and now Cash is standing in the same spot. He hates how he didn’t try more, Cash comes back occasionally, he was in Spain when he got the email about the funeral and took the first red eye flight back to the states. They were friends but not the friends that talked consistently; those friendships don’t exist once you’re out of school, they would speak on holidays and he donated to the fundraiser the town started to help out with taking care of the kids medical expenses but other than that? Cash wasn’t thinking about Cheryl or anyone in this closet sized city, something that he doesn’t typically think about but now the guilt is a pressure that makes his brow throb.

He’s rubbing his forehead, maybe it’s a hunger headache, there is food being offered but Cash isn’t going to stick around for the repass, he’s going to fly to New York tomorrow, since there are more flight options back to Spain from there when David walks over. “Cash, I’m glad you made it,” he says in lieu of a greeting, clapping a hand on his broad shoulder while shaking with the other.

Cash grimaces, “I wouldn’t miss this… I…” his solemn tone trails off and David squeezes Cash before they separate to look at each other. “How are you? How’s the family?” Anything to get the topic off of Cash, off of death. David’s face brightens and Cash feels himself begin to disassociate, he can hear the words coming out of David’s mouth but Cash’s brain is only half processing what David is saying. Multiple people acknowledge David in passing as he talks, which does pull Cash back into the conversation. “Since when did you become a celebrity around here?”

Something flickers over David’s face that Cash can’t figure out immediately, then his friend lets out one of those rich man laughs. “I’m one of the deacons at this church, Cash.” David has the audacity to sound like Cash should already know this. He doesn’t live here. Cash bites the inside of his cheek.

It makes sense, David’s parents are hugely religious and passed it down, if Cash wanted to spend the weekend at David’s house when they were growing up, he was required to bring church clothes for Sunday morning or he wasn’t allowed to come over, “right.. right sorry my mind went blank,” he decides to play along, when did David get such an ego? He’s always been a bit full of himself and loved attention. Cash couldn’t help but notice how many billboards are up all over town with David’s face on them advertising his law firm. He claims to be ‘a man for the people’ but David looked way too giddy when Cash sarcastically called him a celebrity just now, something Cash stashes away in his mind to inevitably forget on the plane in 72 hours.

“Cash, you look exhausted, have you eaten yet? Esther and our daughter are helping with the repass, you should get a plate, take some for your parents as well.” David suggests, trying to convince him to stay with the raise of his brows. Cash considers it, he’s not much for cooking and it would be nice to see Esther, apparently she was busy in the kitchen the whole funeral with their daughter cooking, and while the idea of catching up with her sounds nice, he isn’t interested in sitting a church gym eating with people he isn’t seen in five or more years.

With a chuckle, Cash glances at his watch. “My parents are currently in Florida, my dad retired from the Air Force and got a — ”

David cuts him off, “that’s right! My boy is in the Marines and he loves it,” he boasts and pulls his phone out to show Cash the most recent family portrait the family took together but Cash has also pulled his phone out, texting his girlfriend in Spain, there is an 8 hour difference so he wants to know how her day went.

“I remember the last time I saw him he was no taller than my knees,” Cash says without looking up, he’s trying not to think about how fast time has truly moved. “What’s your daughter doing?”

“She graduated a few months ago, she’s enrolled in cosmetology school,” David answers a little bit less enthused.

“A scientist? You must be proud..” Cash says before pressing talk, “Dave, I really wish we were meeting up under happier circumstances I need to take care of something so I’ll see you when I’m back in town! I’ll email you.”

He puts the phone to his ear as he walks away from the church, “¿Por qué cenaste con tu ex novio?”

2024:

Cash has been unpacking his things all week, finally moving into his new home, he can’t believe he’s actually back in the small town he spent his childhood in, something he initially wasn’t planning on doing, Riverfield is the type of town that you get stuck in if you don’t leave as soon as you can. Which Cash did, but now he’s back after the director of the museum – someone the government sent in to revamp the establishment – more or less begged Cash to come help, making it a whole spectacle. It’s not. The movers offered to help Cash open the boxes but he turned them down after tipping the young men generously with money and pizza before shooing them out of his home.

Bad idea because now he’s in the ER – urgent care said the cut was too deep for them to handle – watching the physician stitch his palm closed. He studies the young man’s face, feeling a sense of familiarity. “Do I know you?” Cash asks curiously, anything to take his mind off of what’s going on, he’s numb for the most part but can feel the uncomfortable tug of his skin being forced together. The physician doesn’t look up but lets out a low chuckle, “we’ve met, when I was a little boy, you attended my brother’s baptism?” This guy has to be at least in his early thirties and Cash squints more, trying to find his father in his face, “my dad is Randall Jung – ” it makes sense and Cash nods as it’s more clear now.

“I just moved back in town, I’m still trying to relearn everything and everyone,” Cash admits sheepishly and Randy’s son – Dr. Jung – nods in understanding with another low chuckle not wanting to get distracted, Cash has a deep gash in his palm from the box cutter, he was worried they would admit him for hand surgery, apparently it was debated on but Dr. Jung said stitches would be enough and to put pause on using sharp objects. Cash has been sleeping around unopened boxes for weeks, contemplating on staying, maybe the cut is a sign he shouldn't have tried to come back. “Is your brother still working at the bakery?”

–

Cash stands outside, left hand bandaged, waiting for his ride when David exits the hospital, their eyes meet and David smiles, “Cash! So good to see you –” he looks down at Cash’s hand as he gets closer and concern takes shape on his face, “what happened? I heard you moved back.”

“Yeah, I sliced my hand with a box cutter, how’d you know I was back?” Cash asks awkwardly, the giant PARK LEGAL SERVICES billboard with David’s face staring at them from the lot across the street makes Cash feel trapped for some reason and he wonders what’s taking so long for the car. “Who told you I was back?”

“You used my moving company,” David answers proudly, “my boys move and open the boxes but you’ve always been resistant to letting others help,” he looks down at Cash’s hand and back at his face with a knowing grin, “I stand corrected, but it’s great you’re back, Cash. After you’re all unpacked and settled we should hit the green and catch up.”

Cash does a quick assessment of the man in front of him and David looks… he looks good. Perfectly tailored suit, salt and pepper hair stylishly coiffed and Cash can’t stop himself “why are you here you don't look sick.”

“The hospital chaplain and I were praying for some members of the church who have been here for long term care.”

That’s right, David is the town’s superman, helping them with their law troubles, spiritual troubles, heavy boxes, what doesn’t this man do? Cash is tempted to ask David to give him a ride to the gas station and suggest powerball numbers, he’s just that lucky in Cash’s opinion.

“You’re so… noble, Dave, what’s next? Are you going to retire? We’ll be sixty before you know it –”

David takes Cash by the shoulder before he can finish his sentence, pulling them behind a pillar like they’re in a spy movie or something, the pain medication making Cash easier to accept his fate. “I’m running for Mayor in 2026,” he admits in an excited whisper. Cash’s eyes widen behind his glasses and he opens his mouth to respond when the doors of the hospital slide open and someone walks out, greeting David who immediately responds, waving back with a TV worthy smile. He’s completely serious, Cash realizes and it makes sense. “Really? Good luck, not that anyone will try to stop you. Everyone loves you.”

David was voted most likely to succeed in 1986 by their high school class and he made it his life long mission to make it a reality and Cash has no choice but to admire the man’s determination. He’s saved by his ride pulling up, David insists, ignoring Cash’s protests and helps him into the car, greeting the driver enthusiastically and Cash tries to hold back his cringe, thankfully they both take it as him reacting to his new injury and David takes a step back, looking into the car.