i'm from california

of course, i’m blanketing a year’s worth of experience. trying to force meaning into arbitrary constraints. time isn’t linear, nor is growth. 

i have been struggling with my depression lately, because, at its root, i am struggling with my ability to believe in myself and love myself despite my circumstances. i know, intellectually, that i am a valid human and a capable human. but when i can’t pay bills and can’t take care of myself with all my wacky needs then my mind begins to believe the logic, “well, if you were actually good enough, this wouldn’t be happening.”

which is the OPPOSITE of everything i believe in about the world, about who i love, how i love, what my experience knows to be true. it’s like i’m underwater,  weighters of my disbelieving thoughts tied to my ankles drag me deeper & i use all my strength to come back up to catch my breath, and just as soon as i do, back underwater i go. 

it’s a viscous cycle. 

i asked for help today. i decided to ask for help a bit over a week ago. it’s been a very difficult thing for me to do, especially to ask of it of this person. but i, after a weekend of major crying time, and debilitating depression, i was able to reach a stasis that allowed me to mediate, with the guidance of some crystals, and last week, i felt much more connected to the world and more open to receiving and giving love. 

there was this moment when i was laying next to my partner and i was struck with this clear thought, “if i valued myself as much as i value my partner, i would not be treating myself like this,” which still fits that terrible logic “if is was ___ then _____” but i took it more as the moment i realized the root of my problem, which is that i am not valuing myself.