Another Chance

This was me at my heaviest, January 2021.

I feel so close to this change. For so long, I’d hoped and I’d hoped to be skinny, to feel good about myself. For so long, I believed my weight and looks dictated my worthiness or my ability to be loved.

I have started work to overcome that. Rationally I know that my weight and looks don’t dictate my worthiness or my ability to be loved, however, there are still some emotional triggers in this realm of thinking that I’m working on. Enter therapy. 

I’m not getting this surgery because I believe that I’ll magically become super model thin and people will love me then. No, I’m getting this surgery because if I continue the way I’m going, I’ll be having considerable amount of health problems. I’m getting surgery so my body doesn’t hurt all the time. I’m getting the surgery, because I know my body doesn’t tell me when I’m full or when I’ve had enough until it’s too late. I’m getting this surgery because of superficial items, too, such as I want to feel comfortable sitting on public transportation or sitting in the backseat of a car with two other people. I’m getting this surgery so I can eventually walk into any store and actually find something to wear.

This isn’t easy, there’s so much to the process and so many life changes. I’ve tried SO many ways to lose weight - Weight Watchers, Noom, Dieticians, FDA plate lifestyle change, medication, etc. Part of the reason I’m anonymous is so people don't tell me that I’m taking the easy way out.

This journey is that, a freaking journey. It’s been a lifetime building.

I had been feeling really off, but made a little bit of a turnaround today. I was actually productive for the first time in a week.

Medication helped, but so did dressing up in an outfit that made me feel good, putting on makeup, the right jewelry balance. Sometimes that's all you need, but sometimes you need different coping mechanisms such as change of scenery.

2020-2021 was a year of growth for me. I started slowly stepping out of my comfort zone one thing at a time. Let me begin by saying, IT WAS NOT EASY. I had to start working through societal expectations about what was acceptable surrounding my body that I’ve lived with all my life.

I would like to give some influencers on TikTok a shout-out for giving me the inspiration to do so.

I started wearing shorts again, started letting clothes fit a bit tighter on my body until I was comfortable with ruched bodycon dresses, and I even tried crop tops. I’m more likely to wear them now, even though I still have my days.

It takes a lot to get past an ingrained perspective so I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and know that it’ll help with this new transition in life, VSG. As a therapist told me during my psych eval for this surgery - “I think you're a reasonable candidate for the surgery, but I’m afraid you’ll take the low self-esteem and negative perspectives of yourself with you and you’ll feel like you’re still the [insert weight here] pound woman when you’ve hit your goal.”

This is why, and many people who’ve gone through it has advised it, I am starting up therapy again. I didn’t “get past” all the bad feelings because I never actually felt them, I just buried them.

Hi - 

On instagram I stated that “Sometimes the promise of a morning is so much more than just a new day.” I meant that the morning was a period of time where I didn’t have to think of the societal expectations or perspectives that have been thrown on me. I could just love myself as is, even if it’s only for a moment.

I’m keeping myself anonymous for now for a few reasons that I may or may not reveal later, but I’ve definitely been burned by being transparent about my identity on previous journeys.

I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I was always the bigger person, the one that never had a healthy relationship with my food or my body. 

Finally after a year of attempting weight loss during CoVid and gaining 30+ pounds with no movement or change in a downward movement, I decided to look into other options for why I couldn’t lose weight or why I’d yo-yo so much. I found that my body has been betraying me. It doesn’t tell me when I’m full and my “average” appetite was indeed a lot larger than the average person’s.

When I learned that I could be biological, I sought medical professionals who could help me. They seconded that it was biological and that surgery would be a great option for me. Not only to lose weight now, but as a preventative medical procedure for me.