I dont even know who I am

There's something so special about hearing your mother talk shit about you and tell the story completely wrong so you look like the worst human alive and shes just an innocent person in your outburst.

Living in a house with parents who are hoarders and do nothing but sit on their ass all day is so mentally draining. Being the only person in a house who does literally anything at all is mentally exhausting. Suffering with depression on top of dealing with draining people is like fighting for your life every single day. And while I'm here just ranting where no one will ever see, I'm so tired of my mother never including me in things when she talks about my siblings. Its always how they do something similar that I also do, but I'm never included. And when I say anything I always get told that she didn't realize I did that. She never realizes anything about me because she doesn't care about me. Every single day of my life I do as much as I can for her, at the cost of my own mental health and sanity. And I get nothing in return. Not even simple acknowledgement from her. My siblings are so perfect and do so much but me? I'm nothing to her. I'm a waste of space loser with nothing going for me. But I have nothing because I gave up the option of a better job to take care of her, I don't go anywhere for fear of her being alone, I do everything for her. Even the small things I do for myself, like reading, are always a problem. I get asked why I'm just reading and not doing something else. But my siblings, they do anything they want and my mother is so proud and happy for them. Sometimes I wish my mom could just see how awful she makes me feel. That she would understand how much shes hurt me. She has no idea shes the main reason for my mental health being shit, because she doesn't care. As long as I'm the good quiet kid she doesn't have to worry about, she won't ever think of me and how I feel. I dont even know how I went from my parents being hoarders to my mother hating me but this is just my life. I live in a shit home with shit people who couldn't care less about me until they need something from me. And I want nothing more than to just pack up and leave this all behind but I couldn't ever bring myself to do it without guilt consuming me, but I could never afford it anyway with the only job I can have while still being home with my mother to cater to her every need. None of this makes any sense and I should probably find a new therapist because its getting out of hand. I'm just so over everything and I can't keep doing this.

I hate how I can go days, or weeks even, feeling completely fine and doing good, and then one small stupid thing ruins it all for me. One shitty day makes me want to just give up on life. And I know its ridiculous, and I know its stupid. But it doesn't change how I feel. And I can't ever tell anyone how I feel because all I get in response is how wrong my feelings are, or how I shouldn't feel that way, or how I have no reason to feel that way. No one in my life actually gives a shit about me. Just makes me want to just give up and stop trying at all.

The irony of me literally thinking how things have been okay recently to today being one of the shitty days. My life is a complete joke and I'm so tired of it.

I thought the warm sunny days were supposed to be good for depression. It's not working for me, I'd like a refund.

Not sure how many more times I can break down on my bedroom floor before I just give up. Not sure how long I can be the one everyone turns to in their time of need, and the one everyone turns away from in my time of need. Not sure how long I can just keep going when I want nothing more than for everything to just stop.

Had a blow up fight with my mom. Told her how I feel like she doesn't even care about me. She got mad and told me that's not the truth. She yelled over me every time I tried to tell her how I felt. I started crying, she still didn't listen. So I left. Got in my car and drove off and turned my location off. My sister (who was on the phone with my mom during the whole thing) eventually called me to ask why she couldn't see where I was. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I told her a little of how I felt, she told me it was just my depression. So I got off the phone with her. No one else called. I was gone over an hour. No one called, no one cared. They just prove my point further and further while denying it.

My mom basically just said that because I'm her kid she doesn't have to respect me. So that's cool.