About Me (Annie)
I grew up in the countryside three hours away from Sydney.
My mum is an immigrant from eastern europe. My dad died the day before my 16th birthday and it is still the best present I have ever and probably will ever receive. I dreamed and hoped and plucked out my eyelashes as a little girl wishing for him to die. He was the cruelest person I ever met. My brother is dead too. He died at 21, and this year I'll be the same age he was when he died. Next year I'll be older than my older brother, forever. I have very few friends, I can only manage to keep one at a time for different phases of my life. I can't do group friendships, they stress me out and are too dynamic. I feel in them someone one always hurting in a way I can't help. I went to an all girls catholic private high school and it was tortuous, I almost died from an eating disorder there. Then I went to a school for kids with psychological issues and they practically begged me to leave after less than a year. I had already moved out of home by then, the pandemic happened and I was stuck with a controlling roommate who gave me Claire Saffitz, 'Dessert Person' to encourage me out of my depression. It worked to some degree, I became an extremely skilled baker. This became my passion and my dream, to become a pastry chef. Once I finally finished high school online and by myself without a year 12 hoodie a graduation ball or a bouquet of flowers, a feat I never thought I'd make it to the end of, I moved away from everyone and everything I knew, to the heart of Melbourne after scoring a once in a lifetime job miraculously with a world class patisserie. I had dreams of buying into the multimillion dollar business one day, but within less than six months, I quit.
Still, I can't recall exactly what happened, it all fell through my hands like sand. Now I am in university and I'm studying a Bachelors of Politics Philosophy and Economics (PPE) - I'm actually really good at this degree. I am always the smartest and most articulate person in the room. I am a great arguer, because I saw so much of it growing up. Despite all of this, and Australia being pretty much all I know, the older I get, the more misfit I feel here.
I constantly feel misplaced
like I was born in the wrong place
I might move to Russia one day and pursue a masters of PPE there, it's the only place in the world that offers it. Plus, I dream of skating on lake Baikal one day.
I've always been a creative person, it's instinctual to me. I remember in primary school I was considered the best drawer. In highschool the best musician (I reached a semi-professional level of the flute, another thing abandoned). Then the best baker. and now what? I'm not particularly good at anything anymore. Singing will probably always be my passion, I've had unwavering love and interest in it since I can first remember, I love finding a song that is difficult for me to sing and mastering it, nothing makes me feel more accomplished. With school it's an obligation to do well, I have no choice but to succeed, it doesn't feel like an achievement. Singing always done in my car by myself. I don't sing in front of anyone. One day maybe someone will record me singing in my car at a red light and I'll go viral. lol. one can dream. This leads me to my current passion project, Annie Can Do Anything, because I feel I am capable of doing just about anything. It seems to be my flaw that once I figure something out, I'm not interested in playing with it anymore. Here, I write, I blog, maybe I'll start filming videos again (another passion project abandoned in my cupboard collecting dust and dead skin). Maybe I'll have the courage to sing for you. Above all else, if I can do anything, it includes laying my heart in front of you
I feel I can't share everything with anyone, like, I can't share how misplaced I feel with anyone, because they may feel that I'm inadvertently saying they're not good enough for me, which, I suppose I am? I love my two friends, my mum, my partner, but I still have this longing for something else. someone else? I visited some of my family in Kazakhstan last year for the first time in my memory, and it was the first time in my life I felt unconditionally loved by a group of people just because I was their family. My only family in Australia is my mum. That is it. I worry how alone I will be when she dies. So, if I can do anything, it is including sharing my most private intimate thoughts, my insecurities, shames, my longings my hopes and fears, to you, dear reader.
and I will pray to the sun that I won't get doxxed.
-Annie
