Annie and her crafts

Xaden Riorson

You have loved Xaden Riorson since you were twelve years old. He was slightly older, charming and absolutely handsome. You spent every waking moment chasing his adventures, returning home drenched from rains and muddy from puddles close to midnight. You wrote letters back and forth when the apostasy happened and you were all put into foster care all over the country. You lost contact when he entered Basgiath, but now two years later you were only moments from seeing him again.

Xaden wasn’t just the man of your dreams, he was the strongest constant in your life when everything else was turning into nightmares. He comforted you, empowered you, always pushed you to be stronger and braver. That surely couldn’t change with just two years of college. When you crossed the parapet he was there, muscled, tall, and devastatingly ethereal. You quickly fell back into your friend group, comfortable amongst the other marked kids.

You tried to get your relationship back on track, but it seemed he was always too busy and occupied now. He trained you for the challenges and gauntlet, instructed you on what to say in battle brief and history, but the loving moments, stolen touches and longing stares when he thought you weren’t looking weren’t there anymore. The final nail in the coffin was threshing day, when Violet Sorrengail bonded Tairn and the last remnants of your connection shattered.

“He hoped Tairn would bond you, they’re mated,” Imogen explained to you with a heavy heart.

You spent that night weeping for the relationship you won’t have now, the possibilities that didn’t come. Grieving wishes that will never be answered anymore. Maybe you could still try, still be the girl Xaden will fall in love with. But every time you looked his way, every time you asked for help or came up with suggestions, there was another girl he was paying attention to now. He gravitated towards her, protected her out of reflex.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this,” he apologized at night, restless shadows covering the courtyard.

“Why not?” You demanded, voice thickened with tears. “Why can’t you love me still?”

“Things are different now,” Xaden stated. “I’m not the man you loved anymore.”

“So she gets to have you and I don’t?” You furiously shake your head. “You promised not to leave me! You promised to always protect me!”

“She needs my protection now,” he didn’t even sound sorry.

He left you alone and broken to pick up the pieces he shattered. The words he gave you meant nothing anymore, all his promises were broken, torn up as if they were just a piece of paper. There was no solution that could save you from this, no medicine from the infirmary for broken heart. Not all childhood loves were meant to last forever, no matter how innocent and strong they used to be, and no matter how desperately you hung onto them.

Garrick Tavis

You met Garrick about five minutes after you crossed the parapet to the rider’s quadrant, only thirty minutes after him. It was hard not to notice him with the way his broad shoulders warned everyone to keep away from his personal space and crooked smile that provoked any smart mouth to have a go at him and see what happens. You didn’t want to be another number amongst the cadets who didn’t trust each other, so you cheerfully introduced yourself.

He was the distrustful one in this case, but over the weeks and months you gave him no reason to keep his distance. You both bonded dragons, lived through challenges, passed tests, and at no point were you dangerous to him. You created a routine where you checked on each other after too long training sessions and supported each other on hard days. Sometimes he told you stories about his home and in exchange you shared facts about your family.

With more marked cadets coming in in your second year, you expected him to get busy training them, but not too busy for you. But it seemed every free minute of his day was taken up doing one thing or the other for the marked kids, and a certain pink haired girl in particular. You saw how his eyes traveled towards her when you were talking to him. Saw the lengths he went to just to make her smile.

“Do you even care anymore?” You question him after a week of not even being able to talk to him.

“I’m just busy,” Garrick defended.

“Yeah, busy trying to get into pink-freak’s bed,” you deadpan with jealousy. “I thought we had something… special. But I see I was just a placeholder for your actual girlfriend.”

“There’s just more for me to do now,” he shrugs. “I can’t cater to all your whims. Grow up. We weren’t special, we were just convenient.”

“Oh fuck you Tavis,” you shake your head already turning away.

“Nah you won’t get that chance anymore,” he calls after you.

Anything you might have felt for him shatters in that moment, and you leave the pieces of your heart under his crushing boots. Your relationship seemed as natural as the bond to your dragon, but you saw now you were just a distraction until his actual point of interest came back. You might have borrowed him for a year, but she had him hooked for much longer than that.

Bodhi Durran

You and Bodhi fell into step as naturally as the season changed. In the rider’s quadrant there wasn’t time for niceties and feelings, but you worked together without words and supported each other without asking. When you had trouble nailing flight maneuvers, he spent hours teaching you until his own fingers went frozen. When he had to trained the new marked cadets, you divided half his students as yours and followed every method he prepared.

You didn’t need grand gestures and declarations of love, you were just there. Quiet, supportive, useful. He used to say how grateful he was for the silent strength you gave him, until he started taking it for granted. Stopped thanking you for the meals you remembered to bring him or the notes you took in classes he fell asleep half way through due to his own exhaustion.

You had no doubt you’d be coming into the third year as strong as ever, but you should have known better than to expect anything at Basgiath, where every day carried the danger of death and tomorrow was never promised. Suddenly you were only valuable when you could take things off his leadership plate of clearly his responsibilities for the evening. You had no problem doing these things for him at first, but they were never met with reciprocity or even gratitude anymore.

“Hey, I thought we could go out tomorrow?” You propose in the evening in his bedroom. “If you’re free, that is?”

“Go out?” Bodhi hardly looks up from his homework.

“Yeah, you know, like a date…” That suddenly spikes his interest.

“Why would I be going out on a date with you?” He asks incredulously.

“Um… because, we…” You swallow hard.

“I have zero intentions of dating you,” Bodhi declares. “How the fuck did you even get that?”

“Well I thought, you know, that we… we had something going on,” you explain turning red.

“There’s nothing like that going on,” he shook his head at your humiliation. “You’re just a good helpmate that’s all.”

“Oh wow, fine,” you frantically pick up your things from around the place.

“Where are you going?” Bodhi questions.

“To be a good helpmate somewhere else,” you mutter before slamming the door behind you.

You felt the humiliation burning up your face until you reached the showers and splashed your face with cold water. Two years of help and support and he thought you were only being a friend? Friends don’t sleep over at each other’s after studying into two in the morning. They don’t put your grades over their own, they don’t make sure you are fed three times a day and don’t stitch you un in the middle of the night.

And they definitely don’t look at you the way you’ve been looking at Bodhi for the past two years, but clearly that’s something he missed. Now he acted like your feelings didn’t matter, like pouring your heart out to him was only a game, a joke to pass time. Every time you though of him laughing at you again, your heart cracked a bit more, that was not the man you had dreamt about for months. You had never seen him be this cruel to anybody.

Dain Aetos

Dating was the last thing on your mind when you entered the place where cruelty and spite concentrate and nightmares are the daily lived experience. Constantly fighting for your place between dragons and death threats, all joys of life were easy to move aside. You and Dain started meeting during your first year. It was familiar and convenient, the warmth of each other caressed your aching muscles.

Your bed was never too cold, his scent always lingered and half your desk was covered in his own textbooks. You were quiet and sacred about the time you spent together. You had fun at shared breakfasts and walks, even when you managed to snag duties together. Dain was your rock against which the current of insecurities and weaknesses crashed. He always held you up, always figured out how to boost your confidence up for a challenge.

When he was named squad leader for your second year, you were prepared to properly celebrate him. You wanted to congratulate him for acquiring the position he spent the whole year working overtime towards, but he never came. The cold walls of your room were silent and the darkness that fell deafening. On the third night he didn’t show up as he usually would, you found him in the gym, practicing fighting style he could do in his sleep.

“Hey, you’ve been couped up in here all this time?” You joke but his expression sours.

“I’ve just had a lot to think about and work on,” he dodges your question.

“Aren’t you going to come to bed? I wanted to congratulate you properly,” you wing at him.

“I can’t. We can’t do this anymore,” Dain states as if it doesn’t affect him at all.

“What are you talking about?” Your mind races but your heart already starts breaking.

“I have a leadership position now, fraternizing with cadets is forbidden,” he shrugs.

“So I don’t mean anything anymore?” You cry out. “Just because you’re a squad leader now we are nothing?”

“That’s the rules. And I’m not going to break them for you,” Dain specifies watching your stunned expression. “And watch your tongue. You’re out after curfew.”

“My apologies, squad leader,” you murmur after a moment and bow your head. “I thought you were just Dain.”

You run out of the gym, tears already falling. You knew Dain was a sucker for rules, but never would you have imagined the moment he’ll get a taste of power he’ll toss you aside as redundant. You weren’t even technically in his squad, and yet he wouldn’t risk an already secret relationship with you to jeopardize his position in the leadership you suddenly despised for corrupting his morals. Or maybe he was always like this, and you were destined to be just his collateral, a stepping stool to bigger greatness.

Imogen Cardulo

You didn’t know what you were thinking when you decided to try your luck and cross the parapet to the rider’s quadrant, but that place has been successfully kicking your ass ever since. It felt like you won challenges and earned a dragon by pure luck, and were kissed by gods to not have plummeted to your death or met the wrong end of a sword yet. Therefore your squad leader making a deal with another one and finding people to actually train with you and your friends was a welcomed relief.

Your excited talk of strategies and techniques as you waited in the gym was severed by the heavy door opening and fourth wing’s second squad striding in like they owned the place. They were all friendly, sure, but also quite deadly, if not themselves then with their dragons. But there hopefully would be no fatal wounding you in sparring. You actually grew to enjoy their company after a few weeks, quickly becoming friends, which was scarce in the quadrant.

After long evenings and impossible fight trainings you grew more and more interested in the pink-haired second year, Imogen. She always carried an aura of impartiality, like this whole place was beneath her and just an obstacle she needed to get through. She was harsh but also caring, lethal but beautifully deadly on the mat. However disinterested she tried to look, she always made sure her mates are okay and took care of threats before they had the chance to form. It took you week to gather the courage to finally do something about your dreamy staring and actually talk to her.

“Do you, uh, maybe wanna go out someday?” You offered hastily.

“I’m flattered, but I’m not interested. Besides, I’m already seeing someone,” she shrugged apologetically and turned away to talk to Rhiannon.

Your cheeks flared as you turned on your heel and walked away, of course she was already seeing someone, how could she not be? She was such a catch, of course a dumbass like you would be nowhere near her standards. Even if she wasn’t already taken, why did you think she’d be interested in a girl like you? You were lucky not to stumble over your own shoelaces and fall down the stairs most days.

She was just too cool for you. She was the kind of soldier who flies to the battle at fronts, and you would be lucky to even get there and not get lost on the way or fall off your dragon because you decided to lean away too much to watch a flock of flying ducks. Of course she was way out of your league, but it didn’t make the heartbreak and rejection hurt any less. There were no limits to dreams, but the bigger they were the more it hurt getting them crushed.

Violet Sorrengail

Maybe you hadn’t had known Violet Sorrengail since the crib, but with how close you were since the day you met you might as well could have. Since her family started residing around Basgiath and then her mother became its general, you were inseparable. You spent days and weeks burrowed under piles of books, visiting archives and libraries since early morning till the staff kicked you out at night.

You understood each other on levels most other people never got to. You developed a routine and zoned into each other’s minds so well you most of the time didn’t even need words to communicate anymore. You grew up dreaming about college and the archives, studying for the entry exam long before you even got the chance to sign up. When she couldn’t leave the school you exchanged letters, long paragraphs talking about big changes and small experiences you had in a day.

After the past half a year you didn’t see each other, you couldn’t wait for the day you’ll meet again on conscription day, and then no doubt receive cream linen robes and share a room on the campus. You got slightly nervous when you didn’t catch her signing up or see her in the test hall, she would never be late for this. Your mind raced with dangerous possibilities, but you had to concentrate on the task at hand. After the exam though, with every passing hour your anxiety spiked until there was no chance she’d come anymore.

The next days were more stressful than they needed to be, no professors giving you any information about her whereabouts no matter how hard you begged and all your letters going unanswered. You could hardly sleep, worried about the things that must have happened to her to miss conscription day. Your stress and nerves were answered the day she strode into the archives dressed in rider black leathers and her beautiful hair tied up.

“Violet!?” You couldn’t believe your eyes, you spent so long worrying about her and there she was, in a completely wrong quadrant. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Hi,” she answered sheepishly. “Sorry, I couldn’t tell you, mom sent to me to the riders.”

“But… we have dreamt about this for years…? To become scribes together…” You didn’t understand how she could have taken such a turn and not even tell you about you.

“Yeah, I know, but hey, it’s not so bad there. The food is good, it’s a little scary, but I met Xaden and oh my god, if you’d just look at him, he’s so strong, and tall, and handsome…” Violet blubbered on.

“But… it was supposed to be us…” You whisper softly.

“Well, I am a rider now. I have a different life,” she shrugged like it’s just another weather change.

Like she didn’t just wreak your whole world, like she didn’t burry everything you dreamt of together in a single sentence. Of course Violet was meant for great things, she was amazing. Smart, beautiful, confident. You just never thought these things suddenly wouldn’t include you. That she’d exchange you for a man, no matter how handsome, in just a couple days. This time, you were sure your heart breaking must have been heard throughout the whole silent archive.

Mira Sorrengail

Mira Sorrengail was a legend. Even before you left Basgiath you’ve heard stories of her heroism, battles and missions that earned her titles and medals. You were excited to work with her of course when you’ve got the orders to join her outpost, but also nervous of what she’d think of a rookie like you. But soon you found out she wasn’t as cruel and indifferent as some tales made her out to be. She was a little standoffish, sure, but anybody would be with new people they didn’t know.

With each sparring session spent together and every strategy meeting you agreed in, you’ve learnt a bit more about how kind and caring she actually was. She protected the people she held close and took no bullshit from anyone. And you couldn’t help but fall for her more with each little detail. How she prepared her morning coffee, how she organized her notes in mission briefings, what her routine was before flying away.

Maybe it was the fresh air and atmosphere of constant danger speaking, but you were enamored with everything she did, to a point you had to ask people to repeat themselves when you watched her stretching or handling deadly weapons for too long. You needed to do something about this intensifying crush before it crushed you, and the end of the evening training session was the perfect opportunity.

“What are you doing Saturday?” You ask nonchalantly when stacking mats back in place.

“I have plans, why?” She measures you with her eyes.

“Just wondering if you’d maybe wanna go out with me?” That earned you a burst of laughter from her.

“Sorry, but no,” Mira laughs. “You aren’t really my type.”

“Wow, that was…” You shake your head. “Sorry I asked.”

It was cruel to laugh at you like that, for simply asking. She didn’t need to be thrilled, or even flattered, but it’s not like she had to make you into a whole spectacle. Of course she wouldn’t be into you, you were just a younger rider hardly out of college, but somehow you had still hoped for the impossible. You only hoped for a chance to worship her for how amazing she is, but clearly she had no desire for that.

Xaden Riorson – physical touch

Guiding cadets as a wingleader was hard and draining, and you had yet to find a way to cope with all the responsibility. It was quite honoring having their lives entrusted in your hands, but also terrifying. The days were long and the thoughts and planning of next training sessions didn’t leave even after the door of your bedroom shut closed. It was even more draining for Xaden, his own wing being under close watch of the leadership.

It was only a few months till your own graduation, when the responsibility would let you go and you’d end up on the bottom of the commander food chain again, but you’ll have to manage till then. You’re already bathed and changed when his familiar heavy steps thump through the door. The boots hit the floor and his flight jacket, smelling of wind and dragon breath, falls over yours across the chair.

You turn to him, tired but enamored smile spreading across your face. His hands wrap around your middle and lift you to your tiptoes. He buries his face in the floral scent of your shampoo, leaving small kisses in the crook of your neck. You can feel the strain of the day radiating off him in waves of stress.

“Long day?” You whisper.

“The longest,” Xaden murmurs into your shoulder and lightly caresses your shoulder blades.

He gets to bed in as little layers as he can, content with letting the blankets and your closeness provide all the warmth. He cuddles to your back, pulling you impossible closer with his iron grip into him. You caress the bicep under your head, drawing idle patterns on his forearm. Sleep was a privilege to those in position of power at Basgiath, but with each other it came as naturally as breathing.

He braids your hair in the morning without having to ask the way he saw you do it countless times. Gives you three kisses before opening the door and holding your hand all the way to breakfast. Stands right behind your chair in battle brief, lightly massaging your shoulders when he decides not to pay too much attention.

When you have a close call with your dragon in flight lessons that afternoon, he has heard by the time you make it to your room slightly limping. He’s already there and on you in an instant, peeling your protective layers off to inspect every inch of your skin himself. Satisfied with no evidence of other injuries, he picks you up and carries you to the bed even though it’s only a few steps away.

He inspects your ankle like it has personally offended him and when you cry out in pain when he bends it, reaches out for a balm he stole from the infirmary with a brooding expression. He knows it wasn’t your fault, it was an accident, but the knowledge makes you no less hurt and he wished there was someone to blame it on. Later that day, when you insist on joining the leadership meeting anyway, he almost fights you on carrying you there and holds your pinkie under the table the whole time.

Because Xaden Riorson always needed to touch you, to make sure you’re really there. That you’re safe, and not just some cruel trick picture of his exhausted mind. He never got words of love in his life, and didn’t know how to give or receive them. Maybe he was no poet, but his touches always showed you how deeply he loved you.

Garrick Tavis – acts of service

Garrick has learned early on to care about himself first and everybody else next. Xaden was right behind him on the list as his best friend and leader, as well as someone he considered his oldest brother in crime. He paraded himself as someone confident and self-centered, not giving much damn about anybody else.

That changed when he met you, a sunshine personified. How did someone like you end up in the rider’s quadrant was absolutely beyond him, but that only intrigued him more. He was sure the cruelty of this place would soon dim your shine, but on the contrary to his conviction it was like every hardship you encountered only made you shine more.

Very soon did he realize his mistake when he saw you sparring on the mat in your first round of challenges. Maybe you gave the impression of a delicate flower swayed in the summer breeze, but your fighting was precise and lethal. You knew what you were doing, how to use every weapon or position to your advantage. Now, a couple months later and proudly calling himself your boyfriend, you still didn’t stop to amaze him.

“There you go, sunshine,” he extends a handful of your daggers to you for the next match.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” you wink at him and he almost melts in the sunlight.

You win, again, and jump into his arms in celebration. The dinner call comes soon after that, the whole squad making enthusiastic stroll to the mess hall. You’re blabbing on about some pretty sword you saw on your last trip to town and he tried to listen, but his mind keeps running to how beautiful you are and how you still have so much energy after sweating on the mat for three hours.

The conversation around your usual table flows without a hitch, but he concentrates on how you only carry your tray in one hand and stare the fork down in a silent match. He switches his plate with yours in no time, cutting your food up into delicate cubes. You watch him dumbfounded, it shouldn’t surprise you how perceptive he is after all these months but it still does anyway. He returns your plate cut up so all you need to do is stab the pieces with your fork.

“Thank you,” you say quietly. “My wrist is just a little sore from the last challenge.”

“Don’t even mention it,” Garrick blusters.

He helps you take your shirt off that night and makes sure not to squish your hand when cuddling. In the morning he brushes your hair and puts it in a neat ponytail after the fifth try, then follows you around the day to take your notes for you. You tell him to go to his own duties at least a dozen times, but he never budges.

When you return to bed that night absolutely exhausted, he massages your back with calming oils and unlaces your shoes, putting them neatly by the side of the bed. Then he cuddles up with you wrapped up in blankets and dreams, calmly combing your hair with his fingers.

Garrick Tavis always considered himself a charmer, but the longer he talked to people he cared about, the harder it was to let the words of affection out. He found it so much easier to show them through his actions, and you always knew that every little service he did for you, he did with the utmost love and adoration for you in mind.

Bodhi Durran – gifts

Since a young age, Bodhi was taught that gifts have a lot of meaning. A gift can carry a thousand words, his mom used to say, and she was never wrong. He loved to receive birthday presents and guess what people thought about when they were purchasing them for him, and he loved to browse shops and antiques for hours with the receiving person in mind.

Now at Basgiath, there wasn’t a lot of occasions for gift giving. But he always found an opportunity to give one to you, the most ethereally beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on. You had collected a respectable number of heart-shaped rocks from him before you decided to accept his first date invitation, now a year later they still all resided on your windowsill.

Over the time he gifted you a beautiful pen when you had learned how to magically fill them, a pair of protection gloves when you had discovered your signet, a first edition of fairytale book for your birthday and a bunch of field flowers every now and then just because. Bodhi was a serious gift giver and it seemed that at any time he could find or make up an excuse to gift you something, however small it was.

You held those gifts close to your heart no matter how many you got, because you knew in a place like this, every day was a risk of losing him and only having these things to hang onto. Most were neatly stacked in a box under your bed and occasionally taken out for you to marvel over. He gave you so many special things, it made finding the perfect gift for his birthday that much harder.

“It’s nothing special,” you warned him that evening in his room.

“Whatever it is I’ll love it,” Bodhi promised.

He unwrapped the carefully placed blue paper and opened the box, curiously looking inside. The pair of clearly a little perished and probably older than him daggers carried some tyrrish symbols, runes he recognized as protection, strength and accuracy spells. Some of them were being used even now in Tyrrendor, but in a noticeably modernized version.

“Wow, where did you get that?” Bodhi exhales stunned.

“A little antique store in town… do you like them?” You hesitate. “They were discounted, I guess nobody really wanted them cause of…”

There was no need to finish, a lot of people considered objects with tyrrish symbols cursed or dangerous nowadays. You originally wanted to get him some shiny new ones, or a great new sword perfectly balanced, but really with what money here? And you had a guess he will more appreciate something personal that comes from his home, something that made you think of him when you saw it.

“They’re perfect,” he swears, already holding them close.

Cleaning them off was his personal free time project for the next week, and when he took them out to use in sparring, he proudly showed you first. It came with gifting you a whole set of different fabric cloths to clean your own, something he knew you often slacked at. He knew you’ll probably stash them away and when he pesters you about not using them, you’ll complain they’re too precious to dirty them with blood and filth.

Bodhi Durran loved to show his love, and whatever feelings he couldn’t put in exact wording, he always found a way to show them through his gifts. He was open about how much he appreciated you and wanted to care for you with the things he gave you, to benefit you or just to pick up your mood. You’d never complain, because you knew all his gifts came with the most precious love for you.

Dain Aetos – words of affirmation

Dain was always a rule follower. Even since before he entered the rider’s quadrant he lived by the army codex and made sure never to step out of line. Which is probably the reason you got on his nerves since day one. The moment you stepped off the parapet, you ignored every rule put in place. If he instructed his squad not to do something, it was certainty you’ll find yourself in the exact situation.

Over the first few weeks he spent more time pestering you than in lectures or even training. After a little while though, he had to admit you were growing on him. He spent his whole life in the confinements of rules he had to follow, you were a bold whirlwind of fresh air and very little care for your own life apparently.

Slowly, his reproaches started coming accompanied by encouragements. If he saw you struggling in challenges, he boosted your confidence with the memory of you climbing the walls and roofs of the castle in search of the moonlight. Before presentation day he reminded you that you don’t have to be afraid of the dragons, because you fight monsters from nightmares before breakfast. For threshing, he encouraged your self-confidence reminding you about all the weapons you currently carried you won in challenges.

And when you landed on the flight field with your dragon, he couldn’t be prouder. You were still a trouble, but you became his trouble. And he wouldn’t have it any other way than for you to be solely his problem. You challenged him in ways no one has ever tried to, not only his leadership and skill, but also his self-respect and morals.

But no confidence could cover the insecurities seeping though the tough exterior when you couldn’t get a hold of fight maneuver of figure out how to provoke your signet to finally show up. With passing months everybody else was discovering their talents every day and you still only enviously watched as signetless.

“Hey, it’s gonna happen, you just have to let it run its course,” Dain reiterated for the hundredth time.

“Pfft, easy for you to say, wingleader,” you snort annoyed.

“I know it’s frustrating, but you won’t hurry it up by having an attitude,” he says calmly. “You are amazing, your dragon is amazing, so your signet is also going to be amazing, and amazing things take time. And patience.”

It was a miracle you always found his words more soothing than annoying and hadn’t thrown him out the window yet. But somehow, when Dain said all these sweet caring things, they always become true. He was no future teller, but he was confident in your abilities. Even now, when you were on the brink of doubts, he proved to be right after all, when your signet manifested just a few days later.

“See, I knew you could do it!” He laughed and twirled you in his arms. “You are so talented and smart. Absolutely exceptional.”

Every time doubts clouded your mind, Dain somehow knew exactly what to say to make you feel better, and when you were seething with anger and annoyance, he could calm you down and soothe you with just a few kind words. Maybe you really were made for each other with the effect his words had on you the second he spoke them.

Dain Aetos had learned how to make his girl feel special and appreciated and knew exactly what to say to drive away any doubts she had about herself. From every word you always felt the love he carried for you.

Imogen Cardulo – acts of service

There was no place for sweetness and kindness in a place like the rider’s quadrant. It was famous for taking away everything fragile and nice. So Imogen adapted. She became hard as a for and unreadable like forgotten languages. She promised herself to never be weak and vulnerable again. Never to fall in love or leave any space for being betrayed. It was pure self-preservation.

Therefore, after she started dating you, she was unfamiliar with words of love or spending time together. Most things people deemed romantic seemed useless and boring to her. So she opted to offer to spend time doing beneficial activities. You were ecstatic the first time she invited you to train with her, even though it added another hour in the gym to her already very long day.

You spent half the evenings studying together for classes and exams and when you were falling a little behind, she explained every matter you didn’t understand and never judged you for needing to take a different approach to problems or strategies. She also monitored your eating habits and brought you a sandwich every time you forgot to include lunch or dinner in your busy schedule.

She slowly renewed your whole wardrobe and before you noticed, all your flight jackets and training shirts were replaced with Imogen’s much more fitting and effective versions. The morning after you complained about the laces of your boots always coming loose, you found them next to the dresser fastened to perfection.

Even now, being stuck in the gym for what felt like the thousandth hour repeating drills and techniques, she handed you your water bottle before you could even register the need to replace the fluids lost by sweating on the mat. When you’re finally allowed to leave, she takes the jacket off your shoulders the moment you unzip it and hangs it by your door, noting to the way you flinch when straining your shoulder.

“Here, let me help you with that a little bit,” and before you can protest she’s massaging your aching muscles.

“You don’t have to take so much care of me,” you quarrel weakly.

“Nonsense, you’re my girlfriend,” Imogen states leaving no space for argument with her tone.

You could never complain about her treatment, because even though she showed an unruly cruel side to everyone else, she always carried you like a princess. She hated the archives but always spent however long necessary to help you find a book you were looking for. The smell of disinfectant that filled the infirmary made her sick, but the moment she heard about you getting hurt she was there, screaming at whoever came near enough to make you a priority.

Imogen Cardulo may have been a tough rock molded by steel and brutality she went through in her life, but even the sight of you made her heart beat faster and her cheeks warm up. And even though she didn’t know how to lazily spend time together, didn’t see the benefit in useless items as gifts or didn’t know how to say all the things she felt aloud, you always felt the unconditional love in her actions.

Violet Sorrengail – quality time

Violet could imagine a lot of things, but not how exhausting it’s going to be trying to survive in the rider’s quadrant. Of course she didn’t expect a walk through a rose garden, but she also didn’t expect that fearing for her life would literally consume every waking moment, and even her sleep. She’d love to say she got used to it over the year, but the truth was she didn’t. Only in her second year did she start adjusting and making friends outside of her squad.

You were one of those friends, turned close confidant turned lover turned girlfriend. A year ago she could only dream about having enough time in the day to start dating someone, so now she tried to spend every free time doing something nice with you. Walks to the town on weekends, picking flowers on chill afternoons, watching stars in the dead of night when sleep refused to claim either of you.

Daydreaming was your favorite pastime, but you also studied together for battle brief exams which always turned into conversations about life after an hour of textbooks reading. Violet loved to spend time with you, even if it was something simple like braiding each other’s hair or stitching holes in your uniforms. You’ve learned multiple braiding techniques with her beautiful silver locks and she always found new ways to incorporate flowers into yours.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Violet chirps much too excitedly for the early hour of the morning at breakfast.

“Hopefully sleeping in..?” You answer uncertainly.

“There’s a play in town for the weekend, maybe we could go?” She tries to act all nonchalant about her offer, but you see the excitement in the spark of her eye.

“Sure, it’s gonna be nice,” you shrug your shoulders and she jumps around your neck almost choking you on the piece of egg you’ve been eating.

“Great! Pick you up at five,” Violet almost skips away in happiness.

It was almost unnatural for someone to be this excited and loving at Basgiath, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. You went to dinner after the play and strolled back to the quadrant watching the stars swimming above you. Hands locked together chatting about dragons and dreams, there was no better way to spend your time than with Violet.

It could have been the most mundane things, picking duties together to make washing dishes or delivering books to the scribe quadrant a tad bit more bearable. Between the two of you the moments always felt special. And when Violet got knocked out during a challenge, you were the first one sitting by her side in the infirmary, refusing to leave until she was released and crouching next to her in the small bed talking nonsense to take her mind off things.

One day you went swimming with her squad, another one you sat in the grass reading your own books and leaning on each other in the shade. Even in silence the time spent with her was better than anything else. And when you cuddled in bed betting on who will fall asleep first, you felt like you could spend the rest of your life right there.

Quality time was always something Violet Sorrengail found herself in the lack of, and when she started dating you, she wanted to spend all the free time with you, making it as special as could be. Be it hours of undisturbed fun or only a few minutes before your hectic days started, you always found yourself enamored with all the quality time she came up with just to show you her love.

Mira Sorrengail – words of affirmation

The life at an active outpost guarding the borders was always crazy. Mira often found herself swept under the current of constant threats and duties, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. The adrenaline and risks thrilled her. Many people thought she was just carreer driven and desperate to appease her mother and fulfill the leadership’s unattainable expectations, and maybe they’d be right a little.

But she also signed up for every mission and extra patrol simply because she liked to keep herself active. So when you joined her outpost fresh out of Basgiath and didn’t show similar enthusiasm, she looked down her nose at you a little. Most cadets were excited to get into the real battle as soon as they graduated, but you seemed to linger in the back rows and judge everything around you before making any efforts.

That’s why it surprised her to see you in the gym after hours, when most of the outpost was already asleep, training a maneuver over and over with not much progress. The room felt warmed up by your stress and your frustrated grunts prompted you aren’t having much success. She offered to help, it was always nicer to have a sparring partner than just try to practice fighting alone.

You studied her with watchful gaze before nodding, apprehensive to the hero who wanted to stand against you. You warned her you weren’t any good, but you surely had to have some skills to make it through the rider’s quadrant alive. You just needed a bit of practice, not many people were actually battle-ready right after college anyway.

“Just try to put your stance lower for the move,” she instructed and watched you implement her tips with pleasure. “See? You’re already doing much better.”

“I doubt that, but thank you,” it must have been the first smile she has ever seen from you.

On the way to grab some midnight snack after training she made you tell her about how you don’t really feel like you belong, how you feel like you just had a shit-ton of luck making it through school and now are completely lost. How you think your dragon could do much better than you and how he must regret picking you at times.

“Hey, dragons know much more about us than we do ourselves,” Mira reminds you. “They see our potential, our core, our abilities. So if he picked you, it was for a very good reason, trust me. He didn’t choose you lightly.”

Since then, she made it her personal mission to brighten your days just a little and chase every dark thought about yourself away. She reminded you of all your skills when you were feeling low, listed your qualities when you were getting your ass kicked in training and used every affectionate word in the dictionary to tell you how amazing and great you are.

She was the one to ask you out on a date, and you said yes with your cheeks and ears painted red. And with every sentence of worship and affection from her, you slowly started to believe you really are the beautiful, smart and kind girl she sees in you. When you laid together, limbs entwined and minds running with possibilities, she whispered every loving affirmation in your ear like a prayer.

Xaden Riorson didn’t do dating. He was not a boyfriend, nor would he ever willingly get shackled to someone in such personal vulnerable commitment. He was a man of free spirit and wild mind, sharp and dangerous as his dragon’s tail. He wasn’t a lover, just a man who needed to let off some steam every once in a while and didn’t care too much who he did it with.

His first year at Basgiath was filled with assassination attempts on his life and classes harder than he could have expected. He and Garrick watched each other’s back every hour of the day and never strayed too far away from each other, knowing they’re only strong enough as a unit. Once he bonded Sgaeyl, his life on the campus got a little easier, and after he manifested his shadow wielding signet, not too many people were still confident enough to give him trouble.

Finally he could focus on surviving this hellhole of a college, improve his skills and soon start discreetly helping his province back home. So dating life was the last thing on his priority list, it wasn’t even on the list at all. While Garrick made his bedding habits known, Xaden had the decency to never mention his private nights spent around other beds. There weren’t many marked riders yet, so they formed a tight group, but even his closest friends weren’t pry to his personal delights.

He didn’t care much for his partners, until he met you. He knew you from passings and squad rotations, but the moment he stepped against you on the mat was the first time he actually paid you any attention. Boldly he didn’t realize he wouldn’t be able to stop from that day forward. War games were coming in just a month, and yet he suddenly had other things to invest his interest in than battle strategy.

It started with a cheeky suggestion after an afternoon training session. You had said no, turned the bright color of tomato and nearly run out of the gym. The next time at breakfast you almost choked on a piece of bread. But after a few weeks of staring at his ripped torso in challenges and trained thighs landing off his dragon, it wore you out. Was it so bad to want this man after all? Sure, he was practically asking for trouble, but damn who would let such a god just stroll around?

Your first time was three days before war games. The adrenaline from squad battles was still running high and the expectations and worry of war games even higher. You both needed to just let go, and this time when he nonchalantly invited you into his room you had said yes. You left early in the morning, covering bites and bruises with the collar of your flight jacket. Nobody knew. And it was best to keep it that way.

You weren’t dating after all. Even after you came back from the grueling week and spent the next four days tangled in his bed, nobody knew. And when your second year started and he took up training all the marked ones, still nobody knew. A girl like you, the most innocent goody two shoes of all, and a son of the rebellion’s leader wasn’t mixing well. You didn’t want people to whisper about you in the hallways and neither did Xaden.

There were no romantic dates, no gifts, no flowers, no notes left on your nightstand. Xaden told you early on he wasn’t a relationship type of guy. You told yourself you’re okay with that. That having whatever piece of him he was willing to give was enough. Even the smallest amount of closeness was more than you deserved for not being from his province.

Xaden became a squad leader. You congratulated him in privacy. He started training the other marked ones most nights. You brought back a little dinner when you expected him to be running late and took double notes when he couldn’t make it in time to class due to leadership meetings. Not because you were his girlfriend, but because you were just a kind compassionate person.

Once, when the snow fell, you asked him what you were. After he murmured some displeased comment about fuck buddies and hovering you rather decided not to label whatever it was between you. Just two people enjoying each other’s company. No need to be more. The romance and chemistry between you were enough. He always told you how smart, skilled, and too good for him you were. You didn’t agree and laughed it off every time.

The year passed by in a blur of challenges and dragon scales and the two of you were comfortable hiding out in your rooms, doing homework and reading books in each other’s company. It didn’t bother you that you never took the relationship outside of the confinement of these four walls. You two knew you meant something to each other, and that was enough. No need to let other people know about it. It wouldn’t be good for either of you.

You got confident in the routine you developed together. How you knew his favorite desserts, which side of the bed he preferred, his schedule as familiarly as your own. There still wasn’t a label, but why name something other people can’t even see? After RSC he cleaned your wounds and you stitched him together with surgeon-like precision. You understood each other without words and asked for each other’s comfort with just looks. It worked. Until it didn’t.

And it started the day Violet Sorrengail crossed the parapet. The downfall wasn’t immediate. You didn’t notice at first. The nights Xaden let the dinner you brought go cold, the mornings he was gone before you even woke up, the squad training sessions he didn’t have time for. He was a wingleader now, of course he didn’t have time. But somehow there was always time for Violet. Always time to train her, help her, guard her.

Countless nights you spent sitting in his room in desperate need of help with assignments for him to waltz in at midnight with another excuse of having to keep the general’s daughter alive. You could ignore it in the beginning, but just like the night falling, you can’t ignore the absence of light when you can’t see your steps anymore in the darkness. And the darkness fell when Violet bonded Tairn.

Suddenly it wasn’t just the promise to keep her alive, but the bonding of his very existence to Violet. He didn’t care what you had to say anymore, what your opinions were on his leading and training strategies. He didn’t accompany you to lunch after class and didn’t bother to study for battle brief exams with you. You spent countless nights waiting for him in his room just for him to never show up.

And when you saw how he trained Violet in the gym, how he assigned a guard to her for every time of day, how he made specialized weapons just for her? That’s when you fell off the cliff. Because he’d never do those things for you. He didn’t care about your opinions anymore because Violet was smarter. Stronger, braver, even prettier. She wasn’t shy to call him out like you were in the beginning. Where he had to explain a passed battle to you three times for tests she already had them all memorized. Where you could only nod along to his complicated fighting strategies she was adding her own suggestions.

Of course a noname girl like you was no match to the general’s daughter. She was the dream, wasn’t she? Agile, smart, bold, pretty. She had everything you were lacking, so it was only a matter of time Xaden bedhopped from yours to hers, to something and someone better. Their dragons were mated, didn’t that mean they are practically made for each other?

For every assignment you couldn’t rely on Xaden for help with, every training session he canceled last minute or didn’t bother showing up for, every lonely meal in the mess hall, you started relying on your squad more. It was good for you to not be so hung up on one person. They became your lifeline in the quadrant of cruelty and death.

Xaden didn’t notice you pulling away of course, too engrossed with his new girl. He didn’t notice you going quiet, not laughing at his jokes, not voicing your opinions anymore because you deemed it useless. He didn’t realize you started spending more nights locked up in your own room than his. Didn’t acknowledge you didn’t care for him to eat enough meals in the day anymore. He took you for granted for so long he didn’t even notice all the parts of his life you removed yourself from.

Only after his bed felt cold for too long and his grumbling stomach interrupted his sleep did he notice how your scent didn’t linger in his room anymore. The shirt you so often borrowed for sleep lay neatly folded at the foot of his bed collecting a slight layer of dust. Only then did he start paying attention. How you averted your gaze when he looked your way for too long. How you found any excuse after five minutes in a room with him to leave.

While before you would naturally gravitate towards his orbit, you now tried to stay as far away from him as stars from each other. You begged for him to give you extra training, now you did everything in your power to get any sparing partner other than him. You used to write his notes for him, now you didn’t even bother to look for him in the classroom.

He didn’t know what this was, but he knew he didn’t like it one bit. But any time he decided to confront you about it, you conveniently found an excuse to slip away. Chasing you was like trying to catch one of his shadows, impossible. For weeks he felt like he’s playing cat and mousse with you, until one evening he spotted you in a secluded corner of the small rider’s quadrant library, lucky for him alone.

“What are you doing?” Xaden asked fording his arms over his chest, shadows ready to pin you in place had you tried to run from him again.

“What does it look like? Studying,” you slowly look up from your book and notes scattered around the table.

“Oh, so you haven’t been avoiding me for the past month?” He challenges.

“I’m surprised you even noticed,” you snarl. “Aren’t you too busy taking care of your precious Violet?”

“What about her? Just cause I’m training her you suddenly can’t be around me or something?” The storm within him is evident in the fists he keeps clenching.

“No, Xaden, I can’t. I thought I meant something to you, that we had something…” you choke with emotion. “…special. But obviously not.”

“I’m a wingleader! I have duties, and one of them is keeping Sorrengail alive. I’d think you of all people would get that,” Xaden seethes. “What, are you that insecure?”

“Yes Xaden, I’m insecure. When you spend more time with the girl you’re bonded to than me, prioritize your enemy’s daughter above all else, forget me, it tends to make people jealous,” you argue back.

“You’re being ridiculous! She’s just a part of my duty,” he opposes.

“I’m ridiculous!? You haven’t listened to a single thing I’ve said for months! Didn’t bother to show up for our training or study dates,” you shake your head in disbelief.

“I’m just busy!” Xaden leans on the table with both hands. “Do you seriously need me to mother you through all this? You’re not a ball on my foot for me to drag you through everything.”

“You know, if you can’t see how you’re pushing me away for her, maybe there really wasn’t any chance for us from the start,” you shake your head and gather your things.

“Can you not be so god damn sensitive for two seconds?” he pushes.

“Maybe I’m just a sensitive person,” you mumble sneaking around him to get out of the too warm room.

It was one thing for Xaden to unintentionally push you away, but for him to feel shackled by you was a new low punch to the gut. You were nothing but supportive, and he perceived you as overbearing. When you only asked for help, he considered you a burden. Maybe you really weren’t cut out for this life, to be the hero in the skies riding a dragon. But you were already three years in so there wasn’t anything to do about it now.

Your dragon tried to shush such thoughts away, but she couldn’t silence them in the depths of night when sleep refused to claim you. So many times you wished it was different, wished Tairn had chosen you when Sgaeyl had chosen Xaden, and then immediately felt guilty about even thinking something like this when your own dragon was more than amazing. She was a bright light in your darkest moments.

But when you still saw Xaden and his friends on the mat, ruthless and deadly, or mounting their dragons, you felt that maybe you really were too insecure and sensitive for this place, this life. Maybe if it weren’t for Xaden, you never would have made it this far in the first place. When winter came and even the dragons refused to peel off the ground in such weather, you spent the evenings in the quietness of your warm room with nothing but college books for company.

It proved harder and harder for your squad to get a laugh out of you, your mind always mingling elsewhere, wondering if you’re enough. Smart enough, funny enough, fast enough, pretty enough. You rejected their invitations to outings and fun events, rather staying locked up where no one could see how insufficient you were. Only a few more months, and you’ll make it out of here, get assigned to an outpost and probably die in the first battle you stumble into.

In a few months, Xaden Riorson won’t be in your proximity, you won’t be tortured with seeing him every day and he won’t be your problem anymore. But for that, you actually have to survive till graduation. Your grades improved since you spent your days cooped up with nothing to do but read school textbooks over and over, but the same couldn’t be said for your fighting skills, because avoiding Xaden ultimately also meant avoiding the gym.

It shouldn’t have been surprising then that you were slower on the mat when challenges picked up after the new year, but it took you off guard. You hardly fought your much larger opponent off, avoiding punches and outstepping attacks at the last minute. You didn’t notice you’ve stepped to the edge of the ring in your defense, not until you caught a strong punch in the jaw and hit another from the hard wood floor, effectively knocking you out.

The infirmary lights and white walls were effectively hurting your brain when you woke up, your head pounding and uncomfortable pressure in your jaw as evidence of your loss. In your third year you should have known better. Prepared better. Trained like the dragon rider you’re trying to be. Your dragon voices her displeasure but keeps it quiet and careful not to hurt you more. You’re grateful for the consideration, but you’d probably deserve a stern talking to from her right now.

“You’re up!” Cries much too enthusiastically from the side of your bed.

There sits Xaden, in a plastic chair way too small for his large frame, watching you with a spark in his eye like he just saw a miracle. You sit up and fluff your pillows to lean on them against the headboard. He looks positively distraught, as if his life solely depended on yours. Funny idea considering his life is literally intertwined to another girl’s.

“How are you feeling?” he bombards you with questions. “Do you need a drink? Some medicine? Another blanket?”

“You’re being too loud,” you complain quietly and close your eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I just…” Xaden tunes into a much quieter tone. “I had to make sure you’re okay.”

“Why? I’m not your problem… I’m not your ball on the foot, remember?” You snark. “How long was I out anyway?”

“About an hour. It terrified me that he knocked you out that easily…” he dozes off.

“Well, I’m fine now, so surely your duties here are over, wingleader,” you study the lines on the duvet, suddenly very interested in the pattern.

“Y/n, please… I’m not just your wingleader, please don’t say that,” Xaden practically begs on his knees by the side of your bed. “I’ve missed you so much, you can’t even imagine…”

“Missed me? Or just that I took care of you?” You challenge.

“Missed you. I need you by my side, I want to hear your opinions, I want to keep you warm and protected in my bed,” he declares and reaches for your hands.

“I’m sure you have Sorrengail warming it up for you,” you comment dryly.

“It’s not like that,” Xaden swears. “Violet is my shackle, but you’re my freedom. You’re everything I didn’t even dream about for myself. I know I have been stupid about this, but please, give me a chance to make it right.”

“I don’t know, don’t you think I’m too sensitive for you?” You roll your eyes.

“I want all your sensitive, all your insecurities and jealousy, please,” he promises. “I swear I won’t let Violet get between us again, I’ll make sure to never neglect you.”

“You can’t promise that,” you oppose.

“I can. I promise whatever happens and however hard things get, I’ll always make sure to keep you right by my side,” Xaden slowly kisses all your knuckles when you don’t push him away.

“I thought you don’t do relationships…” you remind him.

“I do now… if you’ll have me,” he looks up at your hopefully.

“Fine,” you breath out after a minute. “We can try. But you have to be open with me, not forget me again.”

“Never,” Xaden sits next to you to gather you in his arms. “Are you actually okay? That was a serious hit you took.”

“I don’t know if I’ll throw up of pass out, I’m so tired,” you admit, and it wasn’t only physically.

“The healer said you might,” he laughs quietly and puts the bowl from the nightstand onto his lap. “We’re prepared.”

“Eww, gross,” you complain and hide your face in the crook of his neck.

Basgiath is a place of steel and resilience. Every day, every challenge tests one’s ability to adapt and loose all feelings. Survive, outsmart, improve. Bodhi has always prouded himself on the ability to be invisible. To lurk in the back corners and observe from shadows. His attentiveness is what earned him a section leader position for his second year. The ability to know exactly what other riders needed, how to talk to frightened cadets and motivate the lost cases.

You on the other hand were voted in by most squads in your section of the wing. Not because you were compassionate or people’s favorite, but because the fourth wing hasn’t seen many riders as good and ruthless with their dragon as you. Your connection was better than most, your signet was dangerous and the combination of your fight skills and your dragon’s maneuvers was lethal. Just your presence evoked respect and fear.

Back in your first year, Bodhi wouldn’t have guessed you’ll become someone so frightening. You seemed a little off-standish, distant, but sweet and innocent enough. He recognized your abilities in squad battle and war games, when you almost wiped the ground with him and his dragon protecting your outpost. It was safe to say he noticed you a lot after that. Not out of fear, but admiration. And when you stood by his side as the flame section leader, he was not surprised.

He used every leadership meeting after that to get to know you better. Find out things you thought about when no one was paying attention, how you fiddled with the ties of your sleeves when you got too bored and screwed with your vest buttons when you didn’t agree with someone higher up. He learned the signs of when you’ll challenge Xaden’s plans or when you’ll quietly walk out of the meeting seething.

After two months, he invited you to the gym after a discussion that almost left you breathing fire. You almost turned him away, but it was good to have an outlet for all the anger seething inside of you. You almost broke his arm that night. The next one he hardly escaped a serious stab into his lungs. A week after that he left with a twisted ankle, trying to not let it be known he’s limping.

But only after you almost killed him and he had to counter your signed did you accept his invite to a coffee. At first it was out of guilt. You didn’t want to deepen your ruthless reputation further by hurting a fellow leader. People were already whispering living nightmares and scaring their teammates with your name as it was. But you couldn’t deny that with every training session and study practice you didn’t actually need his presence was growing on you.

You started to understand why people gravitated towards him so naturally. He was born a leader, whether he believed it or not. Where you had to fight for your respect he was granted it out of politeness. Where you got arguments and challenges of rules, his riders listened and acted without fuss. Sometimes you envied how easy it must have been for him to be popular and so liked while you were feared by people before they even met you.

After you started dating, which took a lot of his courage and your patience, it became quite evident there was a big difference in your leading styles. You had to hold an iron hand while he guided people with their best interest in mind. But with the spring growing near he started to become afraid his guidance wasn’t enough.

“I don’t know how to get the second squad up,” he confided in you one evening. “I feel like all my strategies are falling short.”

“They have already made it through challenges, haven’t they? They’ll be fine,” you almost dismissed not looking up from your textbook.

“Not ones like this. Everyone else is getting better and I feel like they’re slacking. They’ll fall behind,” he sighs.

“Look, if they’re not working hard enough, just talk to them. You’re always good at motivating people,” you set away the book to study him instead.

“Not them, they act like everything I say is a joke,” he paces the room, pulling his hair with stress. “I think they don’t have enough respect for me. It would be easier if I could just command them like you do. Yours always listen and respect you.”

“They respect me because they’re afraid of me,” you remind him. “They respect you because you have compassion and empathy. It’s much better to lead with kindness than fear.”

“I don’t know,” Bodhi hesitates.

“Well I do. When my strength fails, they’ll disperse. Yours will stand by you if you can’t stand yourself, hold you up if your leadership falters,” you assure him.

“I guess you’re right,” he admits and finally gets into bed with you. “I guess I couldn’t rule with such tight leash like you anyway.”

“But if it makes you feel better I can give them a stern talking to tomorrow,” you only half joke.

“No, it’s fine. I don’t need to unleash my scary girlfriend privilege on them. You might actually make them cry,” he laughs.

“That’s what they deserve for giving you wrinkles anyway,” you counter and he snorts. “Sometimes I wish I could afford to have the sweetness and amiability you have with them. Don’t let them dim that down.”

Bodhi always found he got lucky given his situations. Lucky to survive his parents’ execution, lucky to be allowed to live in foster care, lucky to survive in Basgiath and bond a dragon and lucky to only be Xaden’s spare heir. He didn’t want his chair, his position, and the least of all he wanted to lead his province alone. He always thought he wouldn’t be a good fit anyway, too soft, too indecisive, unable to carry all the lives of his citizens like Xaden bravely did for years.

But now Xaden was gone and all those tasks have fallen on him. Supply connections, political deals, border patrols, and he didn’t know how to shoulder it all. He tried, wanted to get through everything just like Xaden. But he wasn’t Xaden, and instead of strong decisions and sharp orders he found himself drowning. Everyone had their opinion on everything and he didn’t know any more ways to silence them. Couldn’t rule the room in with a single sentence like Xaden did.

Right now they were arguing over runes sword supply for a border outpost and have been for the past ninety minutes. And that was only the third thing on the agenda of today’s meeting. He desperately wanted the chair at the head of the table to swallow him whole and never spit him out again. Brennan catching his anxious gaze commanded the room and decided the best route without being interrupted or questioned.

How come apparently everybody was better at this job than he was? He was technically born for it, yet couldn’t get the assembly to trust him on a single topic. He got out of the session two hours later, completely drained and exhausted. And it has only been few weeks. How much longer he will be able to handle all this he didn’t know, but just the constant questioning of his every decision would convince him to turn venin himself and get lost so that he doesn’t have to sit through a single meeting ever again.

He enters his room with heavy footsteps, eyes widening a little on your form changing from flight leathers to comfortable shorts and a t-shirt that looks suspiciously like his own, worn out and washed out of color. The corners of his mouth hardly lift up as he smells the wind and fresh grass on you, engulfing you in a hug before you can put your second sock on.

“Hi,” you chirp up, scratching in his hair until he let’s go of you. “I just came back from the vales. You wanna go for dinner?”

“I don’t know,” Bodhi murmurs.

“We could get pancakes, or I think the venison is on the menu tonight,” you go on listing options but all he hears is more noise.

“I said I don’t know gods damn it!” his outburst makes you jump a little, scrunching your face up on him. “Sorry, I just…”

“Hey, I know you don’t have it easy, but that doesn’t mean you’ll talk to me like that,” you school him.

“I know, I’m sorry I yelled. You don’t deserve that,” Bodhi sighs.

“Gods know I don’t, so what was that about?” You sit in his lap, forcing him to look up at you.

“I’ve just been so stressed lately, I can’t do one thing right. Everyone always argues about everything, it’s like they’re not even listening to me,” he admits, laying his chin on your shoulder. “Xaden was such a good leader and it’s like I’m just splashing around hoping for someone to save me before I drown.”

“You don’t have to do it like Xaden,” you promise playing with his hair. “They listened because he is scary, it’s not a bad thing that you’re not.”

“But it worked for him,” Bodhi says.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t need to work for you. You are good, loyal, empathetic and compassionate, that’s enough, love,” you soothe.

“I don’t know if it’s enough anymore,” he whispers.

“It is. And I’ll always be there to save you from drowning,” you promise, smiling at him. “Now how about we get that dinner and after we can cuddle up and let the world handle its own problems for a while. I’m starving.”

“Oh we can’t have that,” Bodhi matches your happy tone.

You sit in a far corner so that nobody can bother you in the dining hall and joke and complain about the day you had. Bodhi did have it hard, but you didn’t doubt that with the right support system he will get through anything. You didn’t know a stronger or more determined person. And even though this position fell into his lap without him ever wanting it, you were sure he’ll do his goddamn hardest to fill it to his best abilities.

When you’re finally dresses in a linen nightgown and cuddled under the duvets, he feels like it’s the first time in the whole day he can actually rest and relax. No place was more comfortable than snuggling up to you, your hand in his curls playing lightly and his hands tightly wrapped around your middle. He could spend the rest of his life right here, the rest of the world can kindly go fuck itself.

“When you’re missus Durran I don’t want to live here,” he admits quietly.

“Really? Where do you wanna live?” You ask amused, it wasn’t too often you daydreamed about the future these days.

“Some place quiet, in the village maybe,” Bodhi speculates.

“Is that so?” You continue scratching.

“Yeah, I want our children to run around flower fields, not fortresses. And fresh air is good for them,” he contemplates. “No war talk, no battered soldiers, no battle decisions or death.”

“But your whole family is here..?” You remind him. “And we still have two dragons following our asses.”

“We can still visit, besides, at least the dragons will be useful for transport. What kid can say they ride a dragon to school?” Bodhi jokes.

“Wow, you’ve really thought about this haven’t you,” you smile.

“I think about the day I marry you every day,” he admits quietly, already half asleep.

“Yeah, me too, love,” you whisper as not to wake him.

Bodhi has always lived in Xaden’s shadow. Ever since he was little his life started and ended with his cousin. Required to be strong as Xaden, smart like Xaden, follow in every footstep of his. But Xaden was always older and just a few steps ahead. Bodhi learnt how to ride a horse? Xaden was already winning races. Bodhi mastered a dagger skill? Xaden was already using it in sparing like second nature.

Nothing Bodhi ever did was quite close or good enough. He was always the second choice. Always left behind, because Xaden was the immediate pick. And he was expected to take it as his role, to always be compliant with whatever Xaden wanted. Follow his lead without doubt, never tell him no. Because Xaden knew best and was the best.

Even in Basgiath he couldn’t escape his cousin’s shadow because when Bodhi crossed the parapet Xaden was already a second year rider bonded to the strongest dragon anyone has seen around. There was no way Bodhi could ever compete with that. He will never be seen as his own person, as good enough in comparison. So he stopped trying.

Every meeting Xaden had the last word in just because he was potentially a duke, every argument he was supposed to let him win ruffled the feathers of his patience. He longed for a day he could just stop, leave his perfect cousin and all the expectations behind and never look back. Find a place that was just his, where he was Bodhi Durran, not just the cousin of Xaden Riorson. But he knew such fate wasn’t in his stars.

You were one of the first years who entered with him and Imogen, a marked girl with shimmering long hair and witty personality that took up the whole room. He noticed you immediately, everyone probably did. Most marked ones tried not to spike any interest or trouble, but it seemed like you bath in the attention, enjoy every insult you can fire back at people.

But he also noticed how you hang on every word Xaden says, follow his every step in demonstrations or seek his help when training for challenges. And out of all the things Xaden had and Bodhi wasn’t allowed to want, you were the one he longed for the most. When Bodhi bonds Cuir and you acquire a beautiful orange dragon, he thinks there might be a chance, but he can’t find a moment to talk to you.

It seems every time he wants to spend with you or talk to you, Xaden somehow appears or calls you over. He tried to convince him to leave you alone a little, but Xaden was having none of it, claiming you’re just too good of a strategist and help to let you off the hook. Apparently even his apprentices are off limits for Bodhi now. And he hated the inability to do anything about it, because everyone just accepted Xaden as the best one there is no questions asked.

His mind once again flies to the girl he found so pretty and cunning even though he knows he should be concentrating on the battle history in front of him, or he’ll fail yet another test and will be able to throw it on the pile of ‘not as good as Xaden’ receipts again. It’s been months and all Bodhi can do is huff and puff about the chances he doesn’t get to have because of his cousin.

“How come you’ve never asked me out?” you call out behind him.

“What?” His soul almost leaves his body as he spins in the dining hall chair.

“Imogen leaked,” you admit with the most innocent smile. “Apparently you’ve been smitten with me for months.”

“…I don’t know where she got that,” Bodhi deadpans.

“Oh, so you don’t like me?” You make sure so casually as if talking about the weather. “Cause she said something about obsessing over me for the past half of the year.”

“I don’t dislike you,” he wasn’t sure what the right answer is to this weird test. “But I don’t know why she’d say that.”

“Alright then,” you shrug and place your own study books down.

“Why would you want me to like you?” Bodhi can’t help but ask after a minute. “I’m hardly something to tender over.”

“You kidding?” You actually laugh. “You are so smart, you’re like, one of the best riders in our year, you’ve gotten five kids successfully trained so they don’t die in this place on your own, and you’re so kind to everyone who speaks to you… you’re a catch for whoever you’ll be interested in.”

Never in his life has he heard anyone speak of his qualities and not compare him to Xaden once. He was only falling more in love with you with every word you ever said. He couldn’t believe you’d think all this about him. And he couldn’t believe Imogen betrayed him and told you all about his feelings.

“Imogen didn’t lie,” he admits quietly.

“Sorry, what was that?” your head picks up from the book you’re studying.

“Imogen didn’t lie about what I feel to you,” Bodhi repeats. “I just… I couldn’t believe anyone would ever see me too.”

“Why not? You’re great,” you shake your head.

“Because everything is always about Xaden. He’s the only one people see. I’m just… his worse second-hand copy,” he locks his fists. “It’s like I’m not even a person, just some tool to extend him.”

“You think you have to aspire for everything he reaches?” You ask.

“It’s not me who does the expecting,” his jaw grinds. “I thought you liked him too? That you expect me to just be his aid. You were always with him…”

“Bodhi, Xaden is just my friend. Sure, we do some work together, but that doesn’t mean I’m interested in him,” you cringe a little disgusted. “Besides, to me he could never compare to your qualities. He’s not as kind and smart and charming.”

“Everyone takes me as this substitute just in case. I’m not allowed to be my own person. I’m just his cousin,” he admits.

“You’re noone’s copy Bodhi,” you state. “You are amazing just the way you are, in your own way. You don’t need to be like Xaden, you’re already best as you are.”

“Thank you for thinking that,” he smiles. “Not a lot of people take us as two different people.”

“You don’t have to thank me for the truth,” you shake your head. “Just keep being amazing and don’t hide in someone’s shadow. And I’ll probably have to have a talk with your friends.”

“Please don’t,” your playful wink scares him. “I want them to keep liking my future girlfriend.”

“Well then you better get back to battle history, dear future boyfriend,” you playfully poke him.

“Will do,” he salutes but his gaze keeps running away to your concentrated adorably scrunched up face.