AnnaMadeItLife

I am a night nurse.

I go to the store in the morning to get alcohol.

I have been asked if I'm going to work due to my scrubs..

No you wanker!

This is my nighttime.

All you night nurses out there.. just know this is okay!

People may judge us and call us alcoholics, but this is our night..

Fuck 'em.

You deserve that bottle of wine.

You deserve that six pack.

Shit if you're in the good states.. you deserve that puff!

No one will understand what we go through and no one can tell us how to live our lives..

Except maybe our therapists but we see them on Wednesday.

With the George Floyd disaster upon us all, let’s remember the real reason for his death, ignorance.

Our patient had a bowel movement and needed to be changed.

In order to do this, she was laid flat and then turned on her side.

The patient started saying “I can’t breathe” which is common.

We continued to care for the patient, but she, in pauses, said “I can’t”, “I need to”, and “please”. Then stopped talking.

We quickly realized the patient was no longer breathing adequately, ended the cleaning process, and helped her to breathe.

She easily regained her ability to breathe spontaneously and we paused the cleaning process.

It came down to mere seconds that could’ve ended her life, but we acted quickly and professionally. 

Now don’t be upset if you’re an ED nurse.

This was just this one time (and many others).

Vented patient came up to the ICU without a CT scan because every time they laid her down, her sats would drop.

We get her to the unit and test why her sats dropped when laying down.

Her fucking ET tube was kinked. It bent when laying the patient down. 

That was all.

You blocked her only source of breathing, so her oxygenation dropped.

Maybe look at the patient before deciding they’re too sick to find out why they’re sick?

COVID hit the states and all hell broke loose.

As a nurse my life didn’t really change.

I was already in a serious relationship with Netflix and this only made our love grow stronger.

But there was this one time..

An elderly patient came in with COVID, vented and sedated.

I was being the nice nurse and helping transfer her to our ICU bed.

I was gowned up, mask on, googles, ready for anything.

On the count of three we moved her over.

On the count of three we heard a pop.

On the count of three I felt liquid splash and enter my ear.

Upon further assessment, we realized the catheter bag was stuck on the ED stretcher and came loose from the catheter itself.

I had COVID pee IN MY EAR.

I started screaming: HER PEE IS IN MY EAR, I HAVE PEE IN MY EAR, WHAT DO I DO? I HAVE PEE IN MY EAR.

Everyone couldn’t help but giggle as I stripped and headed for the shower.

I squirted chlorhexidine (serious infection stuff) in my ear until they brought me new scrubs.

I washed every part of my body even though the one orifice I wanted to control was untouchable.

I walked out of the shower, in very unflattering scrubs, with a look of shock.

My colleagues look at me and laughed.

Because that’s all you can do when someone gets pee in their ear.

This was not a golden shower.

This was not consensual.

Although I’m sure there are those out there that would have enjoyed the experience...

I am not one of them. But I shall share this for the enjoyment of others.

My pain is your pleasure.

Hey ya’ll.

So I know there aren’t too many nurse stories out there because of this whole HIPPA thing.

Snitches get subpoenas..

But I got a story to tell that I think you’d enjoy.

Ain’t no names, so don’t be searching your Facebook.

I remember the first day I ever had to change out of my regular scrubs.

They tell us to bring others because you never know.

I didn’t know.

First my patient got out of bed and had full projectile shits.

I know ya’ll thought that was only a puke thing, it’s not.

And then he danced in a circle and finally pooped himself out on a chair (pun intended).

I walk in.

Young nurse and all.

I immediately go to checking his IVs and making sure he’s okay.

Now, I like my scrubs to be like pajamas.

Because I often have nightmares and work ain’t too different.

So I finally get this man back to his bed and realize the bottom of my pants are soaking with shit.

You ever tried to walk with shit soaked pants and not get the ground shitty?

It’s impossible.

So I smeared shit all over my unit and changed my pants to the OR scrubs that fit absolutely nobody.

I then continued on with the last few hours of my night.

Except they have this thing called “first turn”.

It’s when you are so freaking done with a patient and the oncoming nurse makes you go back in to look at their butt.

Now I have seen this butt 17 times as I wiped it the last 12 hours, but the new nurse has to have me there during her first 1,000 wipes.

Now I am already in mix matching scrubs and ready to go home.

But of course we go into the patient’s room and there’s a code brown.

Even if you aren’t in the medical field, a code brown doesn’t sound nice right?

I’m sure there is a fetish out there, but I am not a member of that group.

We turn this patient, and the nurse grabs her booty to make her asshole fully visible for cleaning.

Yes.. I know.. this is my life.

Now have you ever had a fart you shouldn’t have trusted?

Imagine that tenfold.

She pulls this lady’s ass cheek and a splatter of hell’s substance crosses my chest.

Can I freak out?

No, because that would be rude to the patient.

Instead, I mouth curse words to the nurse as I internally scream for an acid shower.

I finally leave with a totally different attire than I came in with.