I'm too old for this shit

I always walk on the thin line between demanding to be admired by my partner, to feeling fat and ugly and wanting to change myself and go back to old habits.

I'm falling in love with you- you said two weeks ago

I'm yours forever- you said last night

Maybe she's just a libra

It gives you what you need, when you need it.

Me: I'm an adult, grown up, serious person.

Also me: sobbing at a person's (I've never even met) achievement

"Please don't go, sleep with me" she used to ask with her sweetest voice, "I can't, I have my contacts on" but soon excuses became reasons.

"Bring your contacts case next time" she used to say, with a disappointed eye roll.

So I started bringing the case with me whenever I came over, sometimes I even wore my glasses, knowing just how comfortable it feels to be real with her. naked, no makeup, cuddled up with her, watching TV on a Tuesday.

"Can you come over?" She sent me a message at 1 am. "I'm still at work", "join me in bed when you're done"...

"But I don't have my contacts case"

Same old sentence, that brought memories, and fear of connection.

"I have an idea.." I wrote, but regretted right after.

"Tell me" she demanded, and I knew that trying to change the topic is useless.

"Maybe I can leave one case at your place..." I hesitated but sent it anyway. "Not to stress you or anything" I added immediately.

But that was too late, and her thoughts ran by themselves.

"That's a big step.. a really big step.." she replied, and I was ready for the rising fight.

But it never came.

" well.. I guess it wouldn't be that bad"

The next day I came over. Armed with a new contacts case. we spent the day cuddled in bed, laughing about life, sharing a joint and kisses between orgasms.

And when I got ready to leave the next morning, I saw the case sitting at the edge of her sink, as if it was always there. But something felt worng. And my instincts, as if my conciousness was somewhere else, took the case and shoved it back into my makeup bag.

"I have to tell you something" I woke up to a text from her the next day.

"I got back in touch with that other girl... we're meeting tonight", she sent, knowing perfectly how bad it would hurt.

"You're not mine" I replied with tears in my eyes, "it hurts me terribly but you're allowed to do whatever you want".

"I needed a reminder that we're not a couple" she replied as if I was nothing to her

"Is being mine that bad?" I struggled finding the letters in my keyboard between the tears.

"I can't Anna.. I can't be yours"

"Is it about the contacts case?" I asked already knowing the answer.

After long messages, fights, pain, and crying.

I locked my heart for good, " If you're not mine, I'm not gonna be yours"

Oh but she loves

Like sleep to the freezing

Sweet and right and merciful

I'm all but washed

In the tide of her breathing.

And it's worth it, it's divine

You need to get up every morning and do something you love.

You need to kick out toxic people.

Don't let love blind you, dont let the fear of leaving stop you from moving on.

Light should come from within, warmth should spread throughout.

Safe and trust are hard to earn, give them to those who are worthy.

קיא של מילים וערבוב של מחשבות, כאלה שאין להן התחלה או סוף.

השבילים שבי מתפצלים לאלפי תת מסלולים, שלכולם סוף ידוע מראש.

The way your black hair falls between our faces as I kiss you gently, like it's the first time.

And the way I can't let go of your lips, like it's the last time.

You like being sad and quiet.