my pf pic is a baby shark

WHATTTTTT? Friends give you affection??????????

mei and her trophy wife appreciation post

Listen I like your spirit I like your vibe but there was no firetruck. I genuinely cannot overstate how much it very much was a literal ice cream truck

because he looks the fuck like this

So, as it’s roughly explained, the state alchemist program is a kind of “recruit potential human sacrifices” mechanism, with a side-order of “brute strength for the army”. But basically, the state alchemist title is mostly about being a researcher–given people like Shou Tucker exist, and given that the only requirement to stay a state alchemist is to submit a yearly report of your research that says “look I’m still being a useful scientist”.

So far, so far this is sensible, yeah? Father and the delightful children from down the lane are running a recruitment program for potential human sacrifices. So sure–butter them up! Give them lots of money, get them buddy-buddy with the government, and give them endless resources for research. It’s be pretty easy to trick a state alchemist in that position to open the portal if Sugar DaddyBradley is nudging them to do it.

And I’m still willing to go with this logic for the whole “draft the state alchemists into war” move. They make it pretty clear that was something of a last-ditch effort. And the blood transmutation circle around Amestris was an absolute necessity for Father’s plan. So the risk of a few state alchemists dying or resigning from your Potential Sacrifice Pool is worth it for the completion of the circle.

Now. To get to my fucking thought. 

Edward fucking Elric. This fucking fight-me 12 year old troglodyte shows up to the exam and performs circle-less transmutation in front of mother fucking Bradley, demonstrating to one of the seven Actual Fucking Homunculi that he’d already opened the portal. Ed was literally prepped as a human sacrifice before he showed up to Central. A fully set human sacrifice showed up at the homunculi’s door, said “hey look what I can do!”, proved he’d opened the mother fucking portal already, and said “hey yeah hire me”. Human sacrifice, free shipping, no assembly required, handcuffs not included!

They could have just tossed Ed into a shoebox and kept him there until the Promised Day. They wouldn’t even need to make up an excuse he attacked the f u  c k i n g president. That’s fucking treason babey. He’s 12, he’s an orphan, he’s from a rural town in buttfuck nowhere, he’s literally the easiest person alive to disappear. They could have arrested him for assassination crimes, kept him in gay baby jail, and just popped him out for the Promised Day

What do they do instead?! “Oh lmao this kid’s great. Let’s give him infinite money, no supervision, no governmental responsibilities, access to all our secret resources, and toss him on a train to who-the-fuck-knows-where-land”

They fucking did that

And like? They then had the audacity to be concerned when Edward “Fight Me” Elric almost got himself killed about 293 times. Just an endless game of “I thought u were watching him” from one homunculus to another when Ed fucking absconds half-way across the globe to go entice some other hostile entity into murdering him to death. That’s the whole series. Every arc is Ed baiting death while the homunculi are in the background like “:/ wish he wouldn’t do that”

This only gets worse when you consider they later learned Al opened the portal too because really?? These two stab-happy globe-trotting public menaces are 40% of your final evil plan for godhood. 40%. Almost half. You couldn’t fucking set aside a cardboard box to keep these idiots in?

Father didn’t baby-gate Ed because humans are like ants to him and he had no concept of how thoroughly Ed and co. could fuck his shit up

Father and the Hot Topic Brigade didn’t lock Ed up because they recognized the unbridled chaotic 12-year-old energy compressed into such a small vessel and they understood no jail cell on earth would reliably hold this thing

Fuhrer Eye Patch saw Edward “Catch these Hands” Elric and thought oh. He’s gonna cause problems.

But. You can’t look me in the eyes and tell me that Brad the Pissed Off didn’t also anticipate Roy “Don’t Mind Me Just a Manwhore Passing Through” Mustang causing problems at some point.

The solution? Give Elric to Mustang. The Human Blowtorch is going to spend so much time chasing and corraling the 6th grader who can turn his arm into a sword at will that it will be impossible for him to cause problems for CopyofHohenheim.exe.

Nishimoto Ryota

Like immediately afterward he goes home and stays home to help Al recover, then travels the West as like a scholar, then settles down with Winry and has kids–it’s pretty obvious he never went back to the military at any point during that, and that he’s stayed well and far out of the public eye.

So what’s that leave the military with? “Hey you heard of Edward Elric?” “Oh yeah isn’t he that dude who passed the state alchemy exam at 12, punched God in the face, toppled the whole military coup with Fuhrer Mustang, and vanished? Yeah he had a cubby here for like…4 years.”

And with so many people knowing half-truths about what really happened in Amestris, I fully believe that hundreds of fantastically stupid and marginally correct rumors spread about Ed. “I heard Ed Elric met God twice.” “I heard he’s the only person to ever successfully break the core law of alchemy.” “I heard he’s a 4,000 year old prophet who discovered immortality and that’s why he’s so skilled.” “I heard he fought a tank.” “I heard God personally took his limbs away and that’s why he’s half-metal.”  “I heard he actually invented alchemy.” “I heard he once beat up Fuhrer Mustang with his own hands.” 

Like it’s the most central, prominent piece of small talk among new recruits–who knows the best little factoids about the child prodigy who hangs with God and saved the world and disappeared Jesus-style immediately after. Mustang walks out into press conferences, maximum security with reporters clamoring to lobby their questions at the leader of the entire nation, and somehow he always ends up with a flood of “Can you confirm?” tall tales about Ed.

“Fuhrer, is it true that Edward Elric discovered how to transmute his soul into a higher plane of existence and so he quit the military to achieve the status of a god?” 

Like Winry’s working on some friendly old lady’s leg and chatting while Ed’s playing tag with the kids through the shop. Old lady is watching this and comments, “Your husband is adorable, Miss. My Harold was never half that energetic with the kids.”

“Oh, he needs to burn off energy more than the kids do. Trust me this is good for him.”

“…You mentioned earlier that the Rockbell Automail went back a few generations. Is Rockbell his last name that you took?”

“No no, Rockbell is my maiden name, and I plan to keep my automail under the Rockbell name in memory of my parents. My last name is Elric now.”

“Ah! How unusual. So your husband—tell me, is your husband related to Edward Elric? It’s just not a very common last name.”

“…Uh.”

“The Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric. The one who saved Amestris all those years back from that attack the government had planned. Oh, maybe the name’s just coincidence. You know who I’m talking about, don’t you?”

“…Yeah. I know who you’re talking about. I grew up in the same town as him. I made him his automail. I married him.” She points over her shoulder. “That guy.”

Now the old lady looks too, visibly startled. “That’s Edward Elric?”

Ed, having heard his name, stops chasing his daughter in circles around Winry’s workbench and turns to see who’s talking about him.

“Ah geez…Ed, come over here a minute.”

He walks over, uncertain, trying to size up the situation. “Yeah Winry? What’s up?”

Before Winry can clarify, the old lady points and blurts out. “You’re the Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric?”

Ed blinks, still trying to gauge the situation. “Well I was.”

“Edward Elric who saved the entire country fifteen years ago? Who returned everyone’s souls and fought God and won—that Edward Elric?!”

Ed smiles, rubs his chin and stands up a little taller, smug eyes to Winry. “Well I don’t like to brag about it, but it seems you’ve got the idea.”

“How can you be the Fullmetal Alchemist when he’s supposed to be five feet tall?”

“I’ve grown goddammit!”

“No no impossible I heard you were off conferencing with the Emperor of Xing in order to invent the perfect alchemy that can transcend even God!”

“Ling? He doesn’t know the first thing about—also where are you hearing this? I’ve never even been to Xing!”

“I heard you created a philosopher’s stone when you meditated on the Briggs Mountains for a month and reached enlightenment. How could you have done that if you were here having children?”

“I would never have created a philosopher’s stone what the hell. Those are all just stupid rumors–ask me about something I’ve actually done goddammit!”

“Rumors? Or maybe it’s just that you’re not really the Fullmetal Alchemist? Are you two pulling my metal leg right now?”

“…”

“…”

“Winry, keep the legless old bat here. I’m getting the pocket watch.”

Winry sighs, drags her hand down her face. “Ed, come on, just let it go. It’s not worth starting anything over it, and the kids are—“

“I’m getting the pocket watch, Winry.”