going off the deep end

🟄 we are a cetacean. as an infant, the stem cells of a dolphin and whale were implanted in our body, where their genetics have propagated. dolphin seems to have taken precedence, but there is still whale; having the genetics and biology of a dolphin(+), that is what we consider ourselves to "mostly" be. a dolphin with an alien skin suit.

🟄 we are a werecanid, with our primary forms being eastern coyote/coywolf (Canis latrans var.) and Vancouver Island sea wolf (Canis lupus crassodon). we can change into many other forms as well (eg, wolverine, bear, long-tailed weasel). in the past, the red wolf (Canis rufus) has also been a primary form.

🟄 there is no part of us that is human; our alien body was experimented on by another "higher" species before being implanted in a human here. we are still being watched by alien scientists, and we liken our experiences to the Rat Park experiment.

🟄 we are considered a clinical lycanthrope/zoanthrope by humans, and we find community among other CLCZs. we do not, however, believe this is a delusion. we will not listen to anyone who tries to imply it is one.

🟄 we are bodily intersex and physically disabled; we also have multiple different personality disorders (NPD, ASPD, AvPD) along with polyfragmented, programmed DID. our plurality is (currently) highly spiritual in nature. we are also schizophrenic and incredibly paranoid.

🟄 we are not human. we do not have a "human form", only a human-appearing facade. even if humans can't see what we are, we know what we are, and they know we're different from them.

["block on sight" list & tag list below]

we're a dolphin. we know that. we know what species. half of us is dolphin, the other half is whale. one captured, one beached? both beached? i don't know.

we're a werecaniform. unless that's where being an alien comes in, although in the timeline we've pieced together, our abusers specifically intended us to be a (were)dog.

sometimes we feel extra... limbs? fins? things on our abdomen. two extra arms, two extra fins, two extra nubs, whatever. that shouldn't be there (it made us wonder, briefly, if some part of us was a shark--psychological origins, most likely; we didn't think we were physically a shark at the time, although we determined that we likely weren't a shark). that lines up most with being an alien, but we just don't know when alien-(ity/ness/other suffix to denote the state of being [root word]) would... appear, for lack of better word.

we know at least part of us is of Earth. at the very least, the dolphin part is. but there's still some part that makes our stomach curdle. makes us nauseous with anxiety. some hook in the back of our mind clinging to but what if we're an alien? no matter how hard we try to ignore it. no matter how hard we try to point to all of the other things.

it's possible the "human" child we were mapped onto wasn't actually human, was an alien implanted, and that's why its form is so off. why so many things were different and strange (in a way, of course, that humans understand as disorders and symptoms). we did theorize in some of the first posts on this blog (now deleted) that we did not simply replace a human child in the world, but were placed inside of a random human. to be watched and considered.

or maybe we aren't an alien, and we're coming up with connections that don't exist.

it... sucks. not having any sort of clarity. not being certain of anything. we try not to think about our alien family that we were so convinced we had, try not to think about the extraterrestrial origins we were certain we were of. it's easier not to think about it. makes things simpler. things are already complex being a dolphin and a whale and a fucking werecaniform, so many beasts at once. why would we want to be more? how would this have come to pass? how would it have come to pass that the "human" child these other humans stuffed a dolphin and a whale into, just happened to actually be an alien? and then that thing that was already an abomination from the start just happened to be turned not just into a weredog like our handlers hoped, but into a werecaniform?

were our genes spliced, in some way? alien DNA getting merged into a human genome--is that how we ended up here?

but we're fully an alien, we know that. the human facade is just that--a facade. pardon the spirituality, but the facade isn't part of our physical form, it is more... magical in nature. our real body isn't human. that's why we don't feel so much dysphoria as others do, that's why we don't feel the need to transition--we're already as we should be, and we personally don't care to try and force humans to see our body the way we do by modulating the facade that is, ultimately, unreal. we don't like being seen as a human, but we're self assured of our true body, and so are able to stand it. we also just personally wouldn't be able to stomach being treated worse than we already are when there would be very little benefit for us to counter it.

unless we weren't spliced with a human. unless we're multiple different alien creatures put together when they never should have been, and that is what causes our genetic issues. huzzah! an answer?

but then, how did we end up in the body's mother's arms? were we swapped at some point as a baby? it seems unlikely that we were substituted when we were older.

... but that doesn't stop the fear reaction, because the fear reaction has no nuance. and now our stomach hurts because of the fear reaction we're trying to push through. being an alien isn't hurting us, it's just what we are--it's the reactions and fears related to it, spawned to prevent a certain thought process that we're not even having right now.

between being created, not born; direct parallels in their lore to programming and OEA trauma; the utter lack of control many of them have over their own lives; just the fact that they are aliens is... i don't know.

maybe it's... a little bit disturbing that we want to physically be one? that we wish our facade could shift and mold into the form of one. inherently, they are made for a specific purpose, and are made to be entirely subservient to their creators, and if they stray, they are mind controlled until they obey once more--and if that does not work, they are hunted until they are killed. ones that are deemed useless are abandoned.

we've already felt and experienced much of that before, due to the OEA. why would we want to go back to that?

but we don't want to "go back"--i think, and maybe i am wrong about this, but i think we want to be one of the lucky few that escape, that are free, that get to build their own lives outside of under their creators' thumb.