Ani

Uh honey? There's a guy at the door that wants you to kill yourself

One day i will make or do something

We should hang out soon before one of us evolves or disappears

(violently jerking the steering wheel) my car swerves like crazy when i do this

men b like wow I’ve never met a girl who liked music before..

You obviously know nothing about men if this is what you think they say

Men will see a mouse and eat it

No they won’t because why would anyone eat a mouse that’s stupid not all men are bad and not all men are stupid you may have had a bad experience with a man but not all men are bad granted there bad men but instantly accusing all men as bad is immature I’m dating a man and he is nowhere near stupid and I know for a fact that he won’t eat a mouse and in pretty sure I could name at least five other men that won’t do something as immature as that and saying that a man will see a mouse and eat it won’t get you a anywhere with a man if anything it will drive them away.

A man will see a mouse and be like is anyone else gonna eat this and not wait for an answer

we need more vampire characters who are squeamish at the sight of blood. that's a comedic goldmine and it's just sitting there

"why do you look like you're about to faint you literally drink blood" yeah and YOU eat steak but i bet if a cow showed up and randomly split open its viscera you'd be grossed out too, fuck OFF. you're telling me if i slaughtered a chicken in front of you with no warning, that wouldn't freak you out in the slightest??? get out of my ASS Randy

Spiritually, 3 am is the darkest hour of the night. The people who stay up late but not insanely late have gone to bed, people who wake up early but not insanely early are yet to wake up. The only people who are awake are the night shift, and the insane.

Oh, you think it's "adorable" that I fell asleep on your lap? Well, it's a mark of my utter contempt. That's how little I fear you.

i’m at a party right now and i heard someone on a walkie talkie and i turned around and it’s a mom who left her kids home on their own for the first time ever (they’re old enough) and they live a few houses down so she gave them a walkie talkie to call her if they get nervous. they just walkietalkied her for permission to eat ice cream

she told them they can stay up and read for 30 more minutes 🙌🏻

i’m at a party right now and i heard someone on a walkie talkie and i turned around and it’s a mom who left her kids home on their own for the first time ever (they’re old enough) and they live a few houses down so she gave them a walkie talkie to call her if they get nervous. they just walkietalkied her for permission to eat ice cream

she told them they can stay up and read for 30 more minutes 🙌🏻