AngryNerdBird

You are not getting pushback from the older segment of the queer community because you are young.

It’s because you came into the spaces we built for you and instantly tried to kick us out.

It’s because we opened the doors for you and you walked in and demanded that everyone you don’t like leave. You demanded that the kinksters, the crossdressers, the freaks and the weirdos, the non-binary trans folks, the people with conflicting identity labels, the people who apparently don’t enjoy their smut “the right way” leave.

It’s because you have thrown yourself into queer spaces with all the fucking audacity of a straight white woman raging at a rainbow flag in a grocery store, wailing about how it’s not appropriate for children.

It’s because you apparently think that you have some right to tell us, and other queer people your age, HOW to be queer.

It’s because a SCARY number of you think that using the word queer is bad in the first place.

It’s because so many of you have come here drowning in radfem rhetoric, and your response to being corrected is to scream “pedo!” At any queer peer who disagrees with your puritanical approach to kink and fantasy.

It’s because so many of you think that being LGBT+ means you can’t possibly hold onto the conservative values you grew up with, and when you’re called on it you attack anyone and everyone in your way.

Us queer elders aren’t hating on you because you’re young. It’s because you have come into the space we built- a space that we built on from what OUR queer elders built. Which was built on what THEIR queer elders built. And so on, all held up by a foundation of fucking blood of the queers who did not fucking survive, who we lost before I was born, and continue to be lost.

Fire burn and cowboy bootin’

Eye of newt and spicy beans,

Toe of frog and denim jeans,

Whiskey, grits, n’ demon spittle

tossed into my iron griddle

With the tannin’ of our hides,

But I feel like people often gloss over how… quietly traumatising it is to grow up being told that there is only one way to be happy— and that everybody who doesn't conform to that norm is secretly miserable and just doesn't know it— and then to gradually realise that, for reasons that you cannot help, that is never going to happen for you.

You're not going to find a prince/princess and ride off into the sunset. Or if you do, then it's not going to look exactly the way it does in fairytales. You're not going to get a 'normal' relationship, because you are not 'normal', and everybody and everything around you keeps telling you that that's bad.

You see films where characters are presented as being financially stable, genuinely passionate about their work and surrounded by friends and family, but then spend the rest of the plot realising that the real thing they needed was a (romantic and sexual) partner, to make them 'complete'.

You absorb the idea that any relationships you have with allo people will ultimately be unfulfilling on their side, and that this will be your fault (even if you discussed things with your partner beforehand and they decided that they were a-okay with having those sorts of boundaries in a relationship) unless you deliberately force yourself into situations that you aren't comfortable with, so as to make uo for your 'defects'.

You grow up feeling lowkey gaslighted because all the adults in your life (even in LGBT+ spaces. In fact especially in LGBT+ spaces) are insisting that it's totally normal to not be attracted to anybody at your age, and then you go to school and everybody keeps pressuring you to name somebody you're attracted to because they can't imagine not being attracted to anybody at your age.

And then you get older and realise that one day you're going to be expected to leave home, and that one day all your friends are going to be expected to put aside other relationships and 'settle down' with a primary partner and you don't know what you're going to do after that because you straight up don't have a roadmap for what a 'happy ending' looks like for someone like you.

(And the LGBT+ community is little help, because so many people in there are more than happy to tell you that you're not oppressed at all. That you're like this because you don't want to have sex, and/or you don't want to have any relationships, that your orientation is some sort of choice you made— like not eating bananas— rather than an intrinsic part of you that a lot of us have at some point tried to wish away.)

Even if you're grey or demi, and do experience those feelings, you still have to deal with the fact that you're not experiencing them the 'normal' way and that that's going to effect your relationships and your ability to find one in the first place.

If you're aiming for lifelong singlehood (which is valid af) or looking for a qpp, then you're going to have to spend the rest of your life either letting people make wrong assumptions about your situation (at best that your relationship is of a different nature than it actually is, at worst that the life you've chosen is really just a consolation prize because you 'failed' at finding a romantic/sexual partner) or pulling out a powerpoint and several webpages every time you want to explain it.

This what being aspec looks like for most people, and it is constantly minimised as being unimportant and not worth fighting against— even in aspec spaces— because we've all on some level absorbed the idea that oppression is only worth fighting against if it's big, and dramatic, and immediately obvious. That all the little incidents of suffering that we experience on a daily basis are not enough to be worth bothering about.

I mean, who gives a shit if you feel broken, inherently toxic as a partner, and like you're going to be denied happiness because of your orientation? Shouldn't we all just shut up and thank our lucky stars we don't have to deal with all the stuff some of the other letters in the acronym have to put up with (leaving aside the fact that there are many aspec people who identify with more than one letter)?

So you know what? If you're aspec and you relate to anything I've said above (or can think of other things relating your your aspec-ness that I haven't mentioned) then this is me telling you now that it's enough. Even if we got rid of all the big stuff (which we're unlikely to do any time soon because— Shock! Horror!— the big stuff is actually connected to all the small stuff) we would still be unable to consider our fight 'over' because what you are experiencing is not 'basically okay' and something we should just be expected to 'put up with'.

But I feel like people often gloss over how… quietly traumatising it is to grow up being told that there is only one way to be happy— and that everybody who doesn't conform to that norm is secretly miserable and just doesn't know it— and then to gradually realise that, for reasons that you cannot help, that is never going to happen for you.

You're not going to find a prince/princess and ride off into the sunset. Or if you do, then it's not going to look exactly the way it does in fairytales. You're not going to get a 'normal' relationship, because you are not 'normal', and everybody and everything around you keeps telling you that that's bad.

You see films where characters are presented as being financially stable, genuinely passionate about their work and surrounded by friends and family, but then spend the rest of the plot realising that the real thing they needed was a (romantic and sexual) partner, to make them 'complete'.

You absorb the idea that any relationships you have with allo people will ultimately be unfulfilling on their side, and that this will be your fault (even if you discussed things with your partner beforehand and they decided that they were a-okay with having those sorts of boundaries in a relationship) unless you deliberately force yourself into situations that you aren't comfortable with, so as to make uo for your 'defects'.

You grow up feeling lowkey gaslighted because all the adults in your life (even in LGBT+ spaces. In fact especially in LGBT+ spaces) are insisting that it's totally normal to not be attracted to anybody at your age, and then you go to school and everybody keeps pressuring you to name somebody you're attracted to because they can't imagine not being attracted to anybody at your age.

And then you get older and realise that one day you're going to be expected to leave home, and that one day all your friends are going to be expected to put aside other relationships and 'settle down' with a primary partner and you don't know what you're going to do after that because you straight up don't have a roadmap for what a 'happy ending' looks like for someone like you.

(And the LGBT+ community is little help, because so many people in there are more than happy to tell you that you're not oppressed at all. That you're like this because you don't want to have sex, and/or you don't want to have any relationships, that your orientation is some sort of choice you made— like not eating bananas— rather than an intrinsic part of you that a lot of us have at some point tried to wish away.)

Even if you're grey or demi, and do experience those feelings, you still have to deal with the fact that you're not experiencing them the 'normal' way and that that's going to effect your relationships and your ability to find one in the first place.

If you're aiming for lifelong singlehood (which is valid af) or looking for a qpp, then you're going to have to spend the rest of your life either letting people make wrong assumptions about your situation (at best that your relationship is of a different nature than it actually is, at worst that the life you've chosen is really just a consolation prize because you 'failed' at finding a romantic/sexual partner) or pulling out a powerpoint and several webpages every time you want to explain it.

This what being aspec looks like for most people, and it is constantly minimised as being unimportant and not worth fighting against— even in aspec spaces— because we've all on some level absorbed the idea that oppression is only worth fighting against if it's big, and dramatic, and immediately obvious. That all the little incidents of suffering that we experience on a daily basis are not enough to be worth bothering about.

I mean, who gives a shit if you feel broken, inherently toxic as a partner, and like you're going to be denied happiness because of your orientation? Shouldn't we all just shut up and thank our lucky stars we don't have to deal with all the stuff some of the other letters in the acronym have to put up with (leaving aside the fact that there are many aspec people who identify with more than one letter)?

So you know what? If you're aspec and you relate to anything I've said above (or can think of other things relating your your aspec-ness that I haven't mentioned) then this is me telling you now that it's enough. Even if we got rid of all the big stuff (which we're unlikely to do any time soon because— Shock! Horror!— the big stuff is actually connected to all the small stuff) we would still be unable to consider our fight 'over' because what you are experiencing is not 'basically okay' and something we should just be expected to 'put up with'.

I always knew that Lars struggled to like himself, and how that fed into his problems.

I’ve been that guy for most of my life.

That’s why I never could get in on the hating of Lars within the fandom. It always rubbed me the wrong way.

Upon rewatching the last two episodes, it seems really obvious how this whole part is basically the payoff for Lars’s arc. 

Now here’s the part where I pretend to be really deep and meaningful while talking about a children’s show. 

For people who don’t live in total denial of their problems, seeing other people going through a struggle you’re dealing with can be painful. 

Especially when seeing someone who has it much worse than you do.

But, sometimes it can help you to see things more clearly.

Facing that part of yourself can be hard. It can be scary. It can be god damn terrifying. And that’s okay. Real, meaningful change? It’s not easy. 

Deciding to face those demons can be the hardest thing in the world to do. 

But, sometimes, the things in life that seem terrifying and impossible only seem that way because we spend so much energy running from them.

Sometimes, when you find the courage to stand up to them, you find that it’s not so impossible. 

The truth is, the strength to overcome it is there. It’s always there. You just need to reach for it.

But in doing so, you won’t be the same afterwards. That’s how change works.

By facing your demons, you grow. You evolve past them. You leave behind the person you were. And you become someone new.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

I started watching Violet Evergarden back in March, and it didn’t take long for me to notice a pattern with her behavior. As an autistic person, I don’t often get to really connect with people, or fictional characters. There’s almost always a communication barrier, to some extent, that makes it hard for me to be comfortable around people. And fictional characters always lack something and rarely strike a chord. But with Violet? I felt a kindred spirit, almost immediately.

I’ve always felt pretty isolated from people, and media almost always feels like it’s speaking to someone else. Even as a cis white dude, there’s just so much media that doesn’t speak to me even among the stuff that’s aimed at the demographics I fit into.

But this show? It was not like that at all. I finally got to see someone going through the struggles I’ve had to deal with. Someone being confused in all the ways I’ve been confused, when dealing with other people. It feels really amazing and validating to see it on screen. It was a breath of fresh air.

So, naturally, allistic (non-autistic) people feel the need to argue with me almost ever single time I’ve ever brought this up. Because god forbid autistic people get good representation, I guess?

So, I decided to compile a list of things she does throughout the show that all fall within the spectrum of behaviors and issues that are known to manifest with autistic people much more than allistic (non-autistic) ones.

And if you attempt to argue with me on this by telling me “she’s just bad at social stuff because she grew up in the woods”, SO HELP ME.

But anyway, here are some issues that come up a LOT throughout the show in general.

- Being bad at understanding feelings. This can apply to your own feelings, or those of others.

- Having difficulties working and interacting with allistic people (non-autistic people) due to communication breakdowns.

- Frequently speaking in technical language, even when talking about mundane things like eating or sleeping.

- Taking people too literally. - Being honest to the point of being unintentionally rude.

- Relying on routines in daily life. (It takes Violet a while to stop applying military terms to everything she does).

- Obsessive interest in a small number of activities.

- Being totally oblivious to social cues that most people use to communicate things nonverbally

- Seldom expressing emotion in obvious ways; Both characters in her own show and reviewers of the series describe Violet as being emotionless, when she really never is at any point in the show. She’s just not obvious in the wya she expresses it.

Here are some examples that come up in specific episodes.

(Episode 1)

- Becoming deeply unsettled when established routines are disrupted. (Claudia is about to leave her behind, and she has no idea what to do with herself)

- Mouthing objects (Teddy bear)

- Sometimes being very perceptive of others people’s intentions when interacting with them.(Telling Tiffany Evergarden “I can’t replace your lost child” after she offers to let Violet stay)

       The above example is a thing that be pretty armor piercing for those who aren’t self aware. I’ve dealt with this myself a variety of times, and have had to learn to NOT do this in order to avoid causing issues.

- Having a poor understanding of physical boundaries. (Undressing in front of Benedict)

- Focusing on tasks to the point of neglecting other needs well beyond what is required. (working all night without eating)

- Taking people too literally. (working all night)

- Mouthing objects again. (the Brooch)

(Episode 2)

- Being oblivious to how loud you are. (the typewriter)

- Being oblivious to other poeple’s hurt feelings. (telling a crying client to stop crying)

- Having a poor understanding of physical boundaries (restraining the angry client)

- Having little to no understanding of how words communicate indirect meaning. (Violet’s hilariously bad letter)

- Taking people too literally (she says “Her name is Erica” when an angry client shouts “Who do you think you are?!” at Erica.)

(Episode 3)

- Extremely good memory. (Violet says she remembers the introductions of all the doll students early in the episode)

- Expressing intense feelings with subtle body language and gestures, rather than with words. (squeezing her letter as the instructor explains that what she wrote is not acceptable as a letter.)

(Episode 4)

- Doesn’t understand deception.(She immediately corrects Iris several times in front of her family, when Iris attempts to exaggerate her popularity at work)

- Struggles to cooperate with requests that she doesn’t understand.(She doesn’t listen when Iris asks her to not write an invitation to the boy that turned her down, because Iris wouldn’t tell her why she didn’t want him to come.)

- Doesn’t understand discretion.(Telling Iris’s family what Iris told her about her past, not realizing she was expected to keep this private.)

I always knew that Lars struggled to like himself, and how that fed into his problems.

I’ve been that guy for most of my life.

That’s why I never could get in on the hating of Lars within the fandom. It always rubbed me the wrong way.

Upon rewatching the last two episodes, it seems really obvious how this whole part is basically the payoff for Lars’s arc. 

Now here’s the part where I pretend to be really deep and meaningful while talking about a children’s show. 

For people who don’t live in total denial of their problems, seeing other people going through a struggle you’re dealing with can be painful. 

Especially when seeing someone who has it much worse than you do.

But, sometimes it can help you to see things more clearly.

Facing that part of yourself can be hard. It can be scary. It can be god damn terrifying. And that’s okay. Real, meaningful change? It’s not easy. 

Deciding to face those demons can be the hardest thing in the world to do. 

But, sometimes, the things in life that seem terrifying and impossible only seem that way because we spend so much energy running from them.

Sometimes, when you find the courage to stand up to them, you find that it’s not so impossible. 

The truth is, the strength to overcome it is there. It’s always there. You just need to reach for it.

But in doing so, you won’t be the same afterwards. That’s how change works.

By facing your demons, you grow. You evolve past them. You leave behind the person you were. And you become someone new.

And that’s a beautiful thing.