The Inner Thoughts of the Angry Gentleman

I followed her for what seemed like ages.

Though I tried not to; I tried to run away,

She was always there, and I was drawn to her.

Now she’s right beside me and I’m uncomfortably content.

I know she is wrong for me

But I was desperate to feel anything

Self loathing was old news

We spend our nights together alone.

I drown her with bottle

But she is always there to watch me wake.

The headache reminds me of her.

Sometimes she visits during the day.

I try to ignore her as she mocks me.

She is the pest that never goes away

But at least she keeps me company

I’ve convinced myself I’d be more miserable without her

That’s why I live with the pain she puts me through

The world will never know my passion.

I find it incredible,

I despise my existence yet hide it so well

My loudest screams are kept muffled to a whisper

I thought you had left 

I thought you had went away

I thought I was finally done with you

But I woke up the other day

And you were in bed beside me

I tried going back to sleep

Hope it was a dream

Can't you see I fucking hate you

I don't want you ruling my life

I don't want you ruining my life

I won't let you control me

But you do it anyway

I woke up today

I thought you had went away

But you came back

I need someone 

I want a goddess

To worship every inch of her flesh

To devour her in ecstasy

The sheets soaked in our desire

The air echoes of our pleasure

Afterwards we lay in bliss

Desperately catching our breaths

Every pant another second closer

I woke up realizing that I'm unhappy

I don't know to be sad or relieved

My shoulders feel a lot lighter

My chest no longer has a brick on it

I've spent this year as a joke

The punchline isn't worth waiting to hear.

How are we ever going to the stars 

When no one looks at the moon anymore?

It's lonely up in space

It hangs around waiting for someone to visit. 

We never call

We never write

Occasionally it will do a special trick.

Some of us watch,

But most nights it goes unnoticed.

I like to think that last line's a lie. 

There was a man who was famous

For his foot print.

In that it was placed where none other

Was placed before.

A pioneer who led a new generation of explorers.

That man is no longer with us.

Why do we miss him?

Let's not leave his work in vain.

It was a publicity stunt.

We did it to show off.

Her eyes were made of ice 

But they still set me on fire. 

I burned through the night 

A star in the cold universe

We incinerated everyone in our vincity

And in the morning it was over 

She was gone and I was still here

Are you letting the fuckers get to you

Are you believing their doubts

Are you afraid of failing or thinking you already have

Are you giving up

Are you calling it quits

Are you going home with your tail between your legs

Stop

Take a breath

Collect your thoughts

Are you keeping your chin up

Are you fighting the good fight

Are you making strides despite adversity

Are you coming out on top

Are you feeling ten feet tall

Are you saying no one is going to hold me down

Slow down

Get a grip

When you're down on luck

The world is out to get you

Keep faith in yourself

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 Who am I?

Just another existentialist twenty something trying to write the next great american novel. 

When I was in college. I followed my heart, and did exactly what I wanted to do. Now I'm an HR manager with a history degree who aspires to one day publish something. 

Publish Something. That's what's left of my life long goal.  

I used to want to do nothing but write. I would fill notebooks  of poems, stories, and words. I recieved multiple awards throughout school for my writing.  I was addicted to words and the way they sounded. When I learned a new one I would use it consistently until I literally wore the word out. I'm still like this today, but often it's because I'm reminded of words. 

I had big plans. I was going to teach, and have the summer off to write. I would one day get published and then only have to write. I would get paid to do the thing I loved. 

But as I got into college, I started writing less. As college went on, I started caring less. Part of me began to hate the very things I loved. History required so much writing about stories that had already been written, had already been documented countlessly, yet they wanted you to write about them again. We were supposed to look at it from a different angle, elaborate on a different topic.  I had no time to write oringinal stories, and if I did start any I would forget to where they are going. 

I graduated college; there were no teaching jobs. 

What do you do when you follow your dreams down a dead end road? 

I turned around, and cursed my dreams. Why didn't I love science more? Why didn't I love math at all? I could be so much further with what I would want to in life. We need more scientists. We need more engineers. We don't need another author to kill a tree so his book  can sit on a dusty shelf.  

I left my dreams at the end of the dead end road, and I found myself the saddest I've ever been. so after years of fighting myself. I turned around. I returned to that dead end, and went off road. Now I'm barreling through a forest of unknowns learning to find content in the unfamiliar. 

I have to remind myself my journey isn't over. It comforts me when I see someone in their 30s or even 40s get famous. This provides me hope that there is still time. I've rekindled my love for words. I just have to remind myself to keep writing them down. Someone is bound to find them interesting and will be left fullfilled, satisfied, but wanting more. 

Micheal poured the last of the whiskey into his glass. He hoped this satisfied his thirst. He was too drunk to drive to get more. He grabbed a knife and sloppily cut a lemon in half, squeezed half of it into the glass then threw both halves away. He took the knife and stirred the whiskey and lemon mixture till he was satifised with the colorization of the liquid.  He stumbled over to record player and started to thumb through his vinyl collection. He picked out an album he hadn't played in a while. He wanted to hear songs he had forgotten. He wanted to sing a long to the cheesy melody of some punk song his neighbors would hate. No, he wanted to scream every word loudly and off key, unforgivenly. He wanted to throw his voice from screaming. However he couldn't find the energy to do so. 

Micheal turned his player up as loud as it would go and he stepped outside. He took the first sip of what would be the last glass of whiskey he would have that night. Michael stared up at the sky. It was a gorgeous night out. The moon was full and Michael's little back yard provided a beautiful view of the universe. Micheal could identify some of the bright lights: Ursa Major and Minor, Polaris, Beetleguese, and Venus. He knew exactly where to find them in the night sky. Throughout history Man had used these beacons for guidance. They never got Michael anywhere. 

Day Ten: Favorite Ten Moment 

I don't know that I have a favorite Ten moment. I enjoyed his story from beginning to end. 

Day Eleven: Favorite Eleven Moment

In the episode the Doctor's Wife, the villian says, "You should fear me, I've killed 100s of Time 

Lords." The Doctor responds to this by saying, "No, you should fear me, I've killed them all!" 

Pure Badassery

Day Twelve: A Scene That Made You Happy 

There are a lot of scenes that make me happy. This is not a good question

Day Thirteen: Favorite Historical Event/Character the Doctor Visited

I really liked when Nine visited Dickens who was being haunted by "Ghosts" and when Ten visited 

Shakespeare and the Globe was being built by a guy who was being controlled by "Witches". As a 

fan of both authors its great to see the show give them credit and reference their works in the 

respective episodes.

Day Fourteen: Favourite Rose Moment

Day Nine: Favorite Nine Moment

Yesterday I was asked to write about a scene that made you cry and I alluded to there were many. I knew I would be writing about this scene today, so I didn't mention it though I easily could have. My favorite reunion happens twice. Once, towards the end of the episode of, "The Pandorica Opens," and then again towards the middle of "The Big Bang." 

So for those of you haven't caught on, the Fifth Series of Doctor Who features the companion, Amy Pond and her fiance Rory Williams. Rory dies in the middle of the series, and at the same time is wiped from existence as the universe is slowly cracking... literally. If you don't get that pun, quit reading this and watch the fifth series.

Anyway some episodes later, the Doctor and Amy are exploring the Pandorica underneath Stonehenge, when they are attacked by a Cyberman. The Doctor gets knocked down by a blast and Amy ends up hiding in a room only to hear the Cyberman get involved in a sword fight. The swordsman was a gladiator, Gladiator Rory Williams. 

Of course Amy doesn't remember him, because he was wiped out of existence. This fact should also put you at unease as to why he was there if he doesn't exist. However, eventually Amy and him have a moment and she remembers him. At that exact moment, his mind is taking over by an alliance of enemies of the Doctor and he shoots her with a gun... that is hidden in his hand. 

He isn't okay with this. 

It's okay though, because the Doctor convinces Rory to put Amy in the Pandorica to save her, but it's going to take 2000 years roughly. (Again watch the episode.) The pandorica will remain intact and no one will be able to open it. It can't be destroyed. She would be find in there. 

Rory could just go away then and travel with the Doctor in time to when the Pandorica will be open. Simple right. 

Rory Williams doesn't do simple. Rory waits!

Rory guards the Pandorica throughout time. (He can do this because he's not really alive.) (Watch the series!)

He even saves the Pandorica during the bombing raids on London during World War Two.

Eventually, The Pandorica is reopened. Amy comes out and hears the story of the Roman who protected her. 

(Yeah, he won't have to worry about doing the dishes for a while.)

Day Seven: A Scene That Made You Cry

(Did he ever cry that hard for the Ood? Come on, how many Ood did you kill?)

If you cannot relate to what I am about to discuss then I want to know what turned you into a souless corpse. 

There have been many scenes in this series that I refuse to watch with anyone because the things it does to my feelings. The Van Gogh episode immediately comes to mind, but I already wrote about it, so I'll avoid that one episode. There's a couple of others that I know I'm going to use in upcoming posts as well. 

I'm not much for expressing my feelings. Anyone who knows me would say I do sarcasm, anger, and asshole well but when it comes to empathy, sympathy, compassion, sadness, well I tend to keep those on the inside. It's hard to do that with this show. 

The Doctor has so much blood on his hands. You think he would be used to it by now: death and lost. But everytime he's faced with it, reminded of it, it has a way of showing on his face. The guilt, the infinite sadness. It makes you wonder, even when he smiles, even when it appears to be extremely happy, is he? I don't think so. I think he's old. I think he's tired. I think he wants to stop, but can't because he knows once he does, it's over. We're talking about a man who killed off his entire race, because they wouldn't stop fighting. 

Day Six: Favorite Two Part Adventure

The Impossible Astronaut/Day on the Moon

The opener to sixth series this two part story set the stage for a hell of series. It was the introduction to the Silence, some backstory to the River Song character, featured NASA, and made of Richard Nixson. 

The Silence were introduced and have a pretty cool ability in that you forget about them as soon as you turn your head. They make a pretty cool noise when attacking also. They claim to have being influence man since the days of fire.

You learn a little about River. Up to this point this character had annoyingly (go ahead and send your hate filled comments)  popped up in various episodes. The only thing we knew about her that she is someone's from the Doctor's future and possessed some sort of time travel ability. In this episode we learn a little more about her but I won't say anything else here for spoilers sake.

This episode dealt with the moon landing. Having a bachelor's degree in History, it's natural that my favorite episodes deal with actual historic events, so to watch the Doctor mess around with the shuttle, and infiltrate the White House (albeit accidently) was really cool. 

The Nixson stuff was great as well. The banter between him and Canton at the end of the episode makes me laugh out loud even as I rewatch it. 

Finally, what better way to open an series than the way this one opens with the introduction to The Astronaut. It made everyone go "WHAT THE FUCK!" and set up the plot for the series. 

Though this was my favorite I do want to list some close seconds:

The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit