wild times

I AM SANITY FRIENDS

it's giving sleep

sometimes when I press my earphones really hard into my ears, I can feel the music playing inside my head.

Tumblr bots are annoying. Like they'll randomly start following me and then proceed to have 0 interaction w my content. Bro if you're here might as well disrupt -_-

Any of y'all into modern family? I just realized Phil and Jay's relationship is the purest thing in the world and I'm crying. Like Jay will be silently fuming at Phil and Phil will just sit there and keep trying and it's so epic.

I just realized, earlier, the posts romanticising loneliness and sadness felt so sadistically appealing to me. Crying at 3 am with the lights off listening to some gut wrenching song, smiling and laughing when something is breaking you down. All of it. I yearned for it. But I realized, fuck that. Like I don't want that shit in my life. If I feel sad at 3 am I want to call up my best friend and get coffee or get fucking drunk and do the weirdest things. I don't want to smile when something hurts me I want to break down and fuck over everyone and write a heartbreak song and laugh at it later. I don't want to do the beautiful sadness thing man I just want to live to the fucking fullest and love and hate and shout and scream and have fun and win life.

I think it would be really nice to be noticed and unnoticed. If I could coordinate what I'd like to be in front of which people. If I could navigate between the ifs and maybes and find out what the other person wants and see if I can safely reach those expectations without hurting myself. An analysis of what I can and can't making myself the priority. I wish I could do that while handling the people I voluntarily interact with and the people I'm forced to see. If I could maybe run a little test before knowing how and what part of myself I'm ready to show. If I could match up the amount of love I have to give with the people who want it, need it from me. If I could figure out how to make love not a responsibility but a thing that happens in passing. If I could match myself against the past me and see if I've grown or I've illusioned myself into believing this is better when it's really almost sinking. It would be so nice if I could know what people originally thought of me and what they did after they said hi because then I would know where I should invest time and where I don't need to because man someone decided they hated me because of the way I said hello.

I think it's about those moments where the version of you that doesn't give a shit and the version of you that will spend 5 hours trying to fix the littlest details of everything come together to give the greatest fucking human alive on the planet.

Today I lay in bed, put on a face mask, listened to indie pop, and scrolled on my phone. I don't know I think I keep forgetting how much I need to talk to myself lol