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In the last couple of weeks, I've been faced with my horrifying dating history and how disastrous my behavior becomes when a relationship with someone becomes a potential option. For the past several years I've continued to blame all my shortcomings on one singular factor and for this entry I shall name him “Mr. Unfulfilled”. He was emotionally unavailable and would ghost me for months at a time but would come rushing back and expect me to validate all his shitty behavior in his relationship. Because I was young and because I thought he liked me, I did. He would call me every 6 almost like clockwork and complain about his relationship seeking sympathy from me, and stupidly I obliged. Then he would say he still thinks of me and wonders if we could have made it, bringing up the idea of us getting married even though we have never dated. Then near the end of the several hour's call, I could tell reality would start to hit him and he would regret what he's said, and begin to insult me. I think he used me as an emotional escape or vacation. Somewhere he could go where things got too intense for him in his own life but would miss home only being there for a day. I saw him and his emotional problems as a project and maybe the spirit of the property brothers possessed me and all I could see was his “potential”. Maybe I read too many Watt-pad novels involving “moody” bad boys that have shitty behavior that seemed to be miraculously curled as soon as Y/N entered the picture. Maybe I thought I had the special something that Y/N had. Because all young girls just want to be “the exception”. The reason why bad boys quit their ways. I thought I could be a force of nature and change this man and make him mine. Selfish, 100 percent. Realistic? Absolutely not. Mr. Unfulfilled chew me up and spit me out like I was gum from the store around the corner. So now, unable to accept defeat, I still chase that rejection in every man I see. Why do I do this, truly I don't know, the internet says it's a form of self-hatred which I think I hide with performative narcissism. Sometimes I wonder if I can even move on from this, or made the pain of rejection some sort of fix that I just never seem to be able to let go of.