incinarate

and then two weeks before her own birthday party, her dad decided it wasn’t worth celebrating.

so, let’s do the math. a father who left + the sudden urge to see those notorious racer parties = nothing but trouble. 

it equals a mess. equals questions of self-worth. equals finding happiness at the bottom of the bottle. equals distrust of the males in her life. equals nights out and a worried mama. equals nothing more than another teenage party girl with daddy issues.

it equals to angel realizing things about herself. to angel stumbling, laughter drunk and drunk drunk, into closets with pretty girls. to angel giggling as she presses her lips against soft ones and wow, it’s so much better than kissing boys was. to angel thinking that maybe she doesn’t actually need men in her life anymore.

but, she thought to herself, what about reese ?? what about hershey ?? what about lemon drop and mr. fluggerbutter and ralph and felix and sour bill, and oh heath, what about sour patch ??

what about her sweetest sour boy ?? the one she adores with all of her confused little heart. the one she wants by her side always so she drags him to all the parties she goes to. the only one to ever make her think that ‘ yeah, i’d probably marry H I M. ’ because if she ever liked boys she would love patches, and isn’t that a funny little thought ??

and angel doesn’t know why she’s thinking about all of this in that moment. that moment where she’s hunched over a toilet seat. that moment where her mouth tastes like sewage and her eyes like someone teleported an entire ocean into them. because she got so drunk. because she made another girl scoff and leave her to be company-less again that night. because she puking her guts out and there’s a dude in a horse mask holding her hair back but she kind of wishes it was patches. because patches sticks with her always. because patches would know what to say to make her feel better. because patches would do a better job of not letting her hair fall into her face than this horse dude, and if anything, they would walk back in shame together.

 but then angel thinks about how he said she does uncool stuff sometimes. and then she thinks about that girl in the street then in the hospital. the one who called her out on her flaws and her messes. and angel pouted and argues but now she’s thinking that the girl was right. and all of a sudden the bile is rising in her throat again and she’s throwing up once more even though she was pretty sure she had already ran out of things to throw up.

and when she’s done, and she’s rinsed her mouth out, and the sweet horse mask dude that she’s started considering a friend gave some gum, she sits in the bathtub. there’s someone pounding on the door, but it’s not louder than the pounding in her head. 

so she sits in that tub, and she thinks about how she knows she’s gonna be back in this situation at someday. and then about how she doesn’t want that someday to be tomorrow. and then about how she doesn’t want to spend tomorrow alone, so she fumbles for her phone and finds the name in her favorites list and she presses it....

.....and it rings.......and it rings.....and it rings......

and angel remembers how late it is and that he’s probably sleeping and she shouldn’t bother him as much as she does and he deserves better friends than her and - click

and now angel is choking back a sob because he answered and he sounds groggy and tired but he answered and she wants to tell him how much she appreciates him and how wonderful her is but -

“ hey, my sweet sour boy. ” she croons, managing to sound more drunken slurring than crying voice cracking. “ i’m feeling sleepover. we should have a sleepover tomorrow. ”

and he’s mumbling and she can barely hear him over the music blasting and it sound like confusion but nevertheless an okay and she can’t help but smile brilliantly.

“ just us, a movie, some blankets, and sweets. i’ll bake for us. no parties. ” she assures him. “ sounds good, right ?? ”

there’s a mumbled affirmation and then the sound of someone falling asleep on the phone. angel just smiles softly.