hello friends

fucking hate texting dracula i'll send him a funny meme and he'll call me to be like "i need to take a SCREAMshot on my HELL phone" like oh my god we get it youre scary

sweetiepie OFFICIAL meeting

This is your captain speaking and yeah we’re not landing. I just feel like we’ve got a really good thing up here and I don’t want to ruin it. This is my home and you are my people

We never have to go back

this sucks im going to kill (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health) the president of the United States. (end statement)

I will lock in tomorrow like nobody has ever locked in before

scientists are trying to discover something harder than getting out of bed to go to work in the morning. and dont make a fucking penis joke ok they already checked everyone’s dick and it doesn’t even come close

i don’t have anything normal to say

UNGRATEFUL tech companies are saying things like "turn off your ad blocker" and "we need your photo id" instead of "thank you so much for not just pirating our shit, youre so handsome"

listen to me. stop doomscrolling. put down your phone. you need to get your shit together. take an edible right now. a big one. take a big edible immediately. now go turn on the scariest movie you can think of and get comfortable. got all that? good. this will be good for your mindfulness and cognitive behavior.

for the ides of march, tumblr should give us a button to stab people. and a badge for stabbing a lot of people.

out of all of the crazy moments on food network shows nothing will beat the guy yelling “I JUST WON CHOPPED” on cutthroat kitchen

Honestly bro i recommend touching yourself