bee

sooo guess who got t-worded lol

this is a vent blog, and i'll talk about some sensitive/triggering stuff regarding sh and my ed. i support and encourage recovery and hope to recover one day myself, but for now i need this blog as a safe space and diary

plz don't report, just block

(fatphobic ppl DNI, having an ed isn't an excuse to bully and shame other people for their bodies!!)

you can call me bee! i'm 5'9'' (175 cm), afab, use they/them pronouns and im autistic. i mainly speak english but i'm in the process of learning spanish

i'm sorry if i go inactive for long periods of time, i have a pretty shitty home life rn + bad mental health and its often hard to maintain this blog

sw: 121 lbs/54.8 kg

gw1: 115 lbs/52.1 kg

gw2: 110 lbs/49.8 kg

cw: 106 lbs/48 kg

gw3: 105 lbs/47.6 kg

ugw: 99 lbs/45 kg ♡

im not sure what i'll do for each gw but i'll think of something to treat myself when i get there

stay safe and know you can reach out to me if you need someone to vent to <3

i need to get clean before summer but i dont wanna stop. im starting to get much deeper, swiping multiple times, hitting beans and i dont wanna stop. ik its awful but i love cutting right now and want to keep going

i keep telling myself i can start again when summers over but i sort of fear i wont??? i know thats technically a good thing and would mean im getting better but i need sh to function and idk how im gonna stay clean for several months when i can barely go hours without it :/

tw/ counting calories, disordered eating

plz block, dont report!

i really need to up my calorie intake, 300 cals a day is not sustainable with the amount of physical activity im doing :( i've been passing out and i'm having memory issues so i'm definitely gonna try to eat more. i feel a little sick as i'm writing this bc i ate the dinner my mom made (don't get me wrong it was yummy, just more than i usually eat) but uh yeahhh track practice today was really hard with how exhausted i've become

it turns out if i put my watch in (outdoor running) workout mode it actually takes my heart rate and pace into account when tracking calories instead of basing it off of steps alone which makes me really happy!! now i can be more accurate 💪

8 am:

-tea (0 cals)

4 pm:

-protein bar (190 cals)

6 pm:

-100-ish(?)g meatloaf (350 cals)

-1 cup green beans (46 cals)

burned: 453 cals (track practice babeyyy)

total: 113 calories

tw/ counting calories, disordered eating

plz block, dont report!

i haven't been doing my food diaries recently :(

i have a calendrer i printed for the month of march and i've gonna track my calories on there, hopefully that will help me not binge

today i made squishie-squid's recipe for a low cal pizza but i had to substitute the concentrated tomato paste for whatever i could find in my house. which ended up being four cheese pasta sauce (i added wayyyy to much), also my cheese is more calories but it was still low cal and very good!! i ate half of it for lunch and half of it for dinner

then i did a 200 calorie workout before bed

9 am:

-30g blueberry and cream instant oatmeal (110 cals)

split between 2 pm/7 pm:

-homemade pizza (206 cals)

-4 egg whites (56 cals)

-1 tsp corn startch (10 cals)

-1/2 cup four cheese pasta sauce (60 cals)

-1/4 cup mozzerella shredded cheese (80 cals)

it looks bad bc i used too much sauce and it made the cheese all yellow and greasy but it was actually rlly good

burned: 200 cals + 105 cals from walking (according to my watch)

total: 11 calories?!?!?

okay gn i'm gonna try to actually go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight :3

soo uhh i was clean for like 3 months and didn't interact with shblr much, my mom took all my blades and started making it so i couldn't leave the room she was in for "safety"(my mental health is in the grabage), i thought "hey maybe i could actually get clean this time" and started focusing more on weight loss which led to my eating problems returning, but i relapsed and here i am again teehee

the silly little violent urges got worse and i was so desperate that i stole some blades from a broken pencil sharper i found at school. i tried to clean them but idrk how sjkgfelhu,jtghk,br

im kinda scared to try them, like you never know how sharp a blade is gonna be and i'm scared to go way deeper than intended by accident

anyways i had a mini binge and i have a science project due on monday i haven't even started on, not the best of days

ik its unhealthy to compare ur weight with people (especially with a height difference), but here i am anyways lol

one of my friends is very thin and has told me they weight about 110 lbs (around 50 kg). they are almost 7 inches shorter than me and i have a proud (and a little guilty) feeling knowing that yesterday i weighed in at 108.6 lbs

tw/ counting calories, disordered eating

plz block, dont report!

i hate breakfast :( i'm never hungry in the mornings and eating breakfast sets me up for a day of discomfort and makes me more likely to binge. unless ive gotten really bad (extreme dizziness, uncontrollable shaking, passing out, unable to keep water down) and literally NEED breakfast to function, i try my best to go without it

my mom has noticed i haven't been eating and forced me to eat a scramble kit thingy, i threw away like half of it when she wasn't looking and kept a lot of it in my mouth and spit it out when she left, i still probably ate like a third of it which i'll count at 110 cals (full thing was 320, yes i know that doesn't work out exactly but whatever)

at dinner my family ordered sonic, when my mom wasnt paying attention i grabbed her phone and removed the thing she ordered for me from the online order, then she just assumed the sonic employees left it out of the order by accident and i got to eat a safe dinner instead of fast food :3

then after dinner i did a 200 calorie workout just bc why not? i could use some extra physical activity since i have my first track meet soon, also i didn't do as much walking as usual today

what i ate today

9:30 am:

-about 21g of a scramble kit (110 cals)

2 pm:

-30g blueberry and cream instant oatmeal (110 cals)

-17 blueberries (13 cals)

7 pm:

-premade salad thingy (110 cals)

-sonic diet cherry limeade (20 cals)

burned: 200 cals + 135 cals from walking (according to my watch, likely more)

total: 28!!!! yippeee

total: ♡ 123 cals ♡ 1.58g fat ♡ 25.35g carbs ♡ 3.17g protein