my envy is a calling

watching lost 2x09 ("what kate did") with my parents and we get to the scene where kate breaks down and confesses to an unconscious sawyer why she killed wayne and... god, i love kate austen. so much. that kind of pain, the pain of feeling like there is something deep and ugly inherited into your bloodstream, is so debilitating; it ruins your hopes, your dreams, your relationships. and every time you think you have even a chance of being something more, that darkness, that self-hatred inside of you that convinces you are this evil, unlovable monster, surges up and reminds you that you can't. that you will never deserve it. so you stay in this endless cycle of shame. and for her to also lose her childhood best friend after killing wayne and having her mom give her up (diane i will never forgive you) amplifies all of this, especially since she feels responsible. tom was probably the first and last person to love her unconditionally, to give her even a glimpse of what that meant. i just had to sit alone and cry afterwards.

the fact that there are people who still actively hate her character after this episode is insane to me. i understand disliking a character, but the reasons i see people hating on kate are usually ridiculous. she is such a layered and devastating character. i wish we could have just continued to explore her without so much of her story being filtered through the love triangle. her relationship with sawyer is fascinating, as is her devotion to jack, but i feel like the crux of her arc becomes about choosing between them versus exploring kate's trauma, guilt, and identity. such a loss imo. especially off island—i wish we could have further delved into what being a mother meant to her since i don't think she would have chosen to have children otherwise, especially after the trauma of what her mom put her through.

LOST IS AWESOME YOU ALL GOTTA WATCH IT LIKE NOW

I just watched the first two of season 3

I think Ben is my new favorite character…

he’s creepy but really awesome

But yeah

Television Show Meme: Lost Edition [3/3] Relationships - Alex and Benjamin Linus

*traditional is a flawed term that im using here for the sake of brevity, not because i agree with it or think its valid. think the things that your capitalist uncle would consider "a real job" (even if he may not respect it); anything in a physical office, but also healthcare workers, teachers, secretarial work, cleaning staff, childcare workers, professional athletics, etc. *non-traditional would be the opposite, aka things your capitalist uncle would not consider to be "a real job". this does not mean i think your job is not real or valid, it means it is outside of the bounds of what modern society deems traditional and you've faced unique struggles as a result. artists and creatives who live on commissions, any kind of influencer, sex workers etc. are examples of what should go here.