Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.

Our kids gonna get the Netflix and chill talk instead of the birds and the bees

when I was like 9 my neighbors asked me to watch their fish and cat while they went on vacation and I was like “lol k” and while they were gone tHE FUCKING FISH DIED so when they got home I apologized to the mom and she was just like “no need to apologize, I turned the filter off so they would die because they are too much work. You did nothing wrong” and she gave me 20 bucks and that is the story of my first contracted murder

First

nobody in college gives a shit ive seen peope walking to class in heavy snow in sweats and a tshirt and flip flops ive seen people wear studio headphones in lecture ive heard so many professors curse its really some next level shit and high school did not prepare me for it

I was not prepared for university particularly this one lecturer that would slip in a photograph of fisting into presentations to check we were paying attention

i

How is sponge bob a sponge if everyone in his family are chocolate chip cookies

My dad is a diver, he used to dive with seals and he said that they would just play around you and basically they were just mermaid dogs 

mermaid dogs

the best part about being the little spoon while cuddling is being able to rub your butt against the person’s junk

The best part about being the big spoon while cuddling is getting to rub your junk against the person’s butt

The best part about the big spoon as that it lets me get bigger portions of ice cream as I cry alone in my room.

fuckin git it uncle samm

screamlaugh!!

when i was 4 my dad asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up and i replied ‘daddy i want to be a cheesecake’ it’s been 12 fucking years and no one has let me forget it 

i shall never understand cats…

TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT.