This is real.

I have been absent, I have been scared and the fear has left me with not much to say. But I guess I have something to say now.

Back in February  2015, over a meal at fiesta cafe, I was getting dumped. It was necessary and I knew it was coming and that’s not the point of this at all but I had to set the scene: tacos, two medium sized beers, the server pushing our hands together as we withdrew them. 

The person who was breaking up with me said one thing that stuck:

“Do the work. I don’t care if it’s therapy or a demon, just do the work.”

It wasn’t much- some cups, a bottle of frangelico (for biscotti), the copy of my foodservice manager’s license off of the wall. 

Part of me feels like I failed- gave up before I should have. I know better, I swear. Maybe I don’t do well with endings, even when they’re probably overdue. Maybe mourning is just a very complicated process even if it’s over something that leans towards the trivial. It doesn’t feel trivial to me- it wasn't supposed to end like this. It wasn’t supposed to end. 

Another year where I didn’t blog too much, on account of being stalked on social media making it a lot easier to just pare down your presence. I’m nervous about even writing that down, because I don’t know if I’ll be attacked for saying something about it. I’m tired of caring though.

In 2017 I played a show for the first time, and got paid for poetry for the first time. I wrote the longest thing I’ve ever written, and developed a pretty cool friendship with someone. In my daily life the majority of people I interact with use my correct pronouns. I continue to have a relationship that is better than I knew they could be with an absolutely amazing person. And I got to officiate my Person’s wedding (and didn’t start crying all of those joyful tears until the train ride home). And I’m back in a kitchen for work.

As the world goes to shit around us it’s important to acknowledge the good stuff too. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

-“Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to like them” is best applied to blood relatives.

-Some people are so invested in their own narratives that they will do anything to protect and further them, no matter the effect on others, no matter whether or not their story is true.

-It’s super important to have a sense of humor if  you have PTSED. Otherwise the puking, panic attacks, violent shaking, diarrhea, and occasional paralysis are pretty grating.

-If you speak, someone will listen.

-In the right conditions, and only to a certain extent, physics *does* give a fuck about whether or not you agree with it.

-The person with the loudest voice will always be the one who everyone believes.

-Equal parts blue dawn dish soap and white vinegar: best way to clean a tub.

-There is no right response to give to someone who is angrily and illogically attacking you- the best response is nothing.

-When the charm breaks, get rid of it. Destroy it if you can.

-My transness and queerness are not defined by those who would question or deny my identity.

-A county coroner has all of the powers of the sheriff, and serves as an interim sheriff if the sheriff dies.

-Good love is more about fart jokes, doing the dishes together, and making out than anything else.

-The hardest part of making things is sharing them.

-IMessage makes it impossible to permanently stop communications between two iPhones.

-Trauma post-having-PTSD is like concussions: it’s easy to be re-traumatized because they stack.

-I like pop music, but only very specific pop music.

-The enemy of my enemy is definitely my friend.

-When you find your people there’s no need to discuss it.

-If something is actually worth it, the hard times are as much of a joy and blessing to live through as the easy times.

-Having one set of matching silverware instead of odds and ends can bring a surprising amount of order to one’s life.

-The more compassion you try to put out, the higher the likelihood that people will abuse it and then tell you that you’ve wronged them.

-In many parts of the world, lemonade is an entirely different thing than what I know it as.

-It’s really easy to mistake a partner who is better than your last partner , and a relationship that is less terrible than your last one, as a good person or a good relationship. especially with men (but not exclusively).

-Sparkling wine is actually pretty great if you know how to shop for it.

-It’s important to consider unintended consequences.

-The times when we feel that we’re too swamped or stressed or busy for self-care are the times that we need it the most.

-The difference between setting your thermostat at 60 degrees fahrenheit and 65 degrees fahrenheit is remarkable.