Midnight Thoughts

If it's not on social media, it didn't happen.

If I go to the gym I can go drinking tonight.

I work hard and then spend half of my money on brunch.

Cycle. Living. in it. Something has to give.

Living in this country does not help. Where is our voice?

This country has it all backwards. here are better ways to live, healthier ways to act, deeper ways t love.If only our natural response as a society was to care more and actually be a little bit selfless.

If we loved and cared for our youth there would be a difference.

Finding my purpose and figuring out what I am meant to do really and truly in this world seems impossible right now.

I don't even know if I am happy. But I sure try to be every single day.

I did not think I would return to this neighborhood. Yet here I am in my 2 bedroom apartment two blocks from Steinway.

I did not think that I would be with a breakdancer. Yet here I am building a life with this breaker I love and adore.

I did not think I would still be in NYC in 2024. Yet that is exactly what is happening.

I love my new apartment. It feels like home already. I know in my bones that this apartment will be life changing in a way.

My love for this apartment is not attached to Lu. Yet it feels like it was.

Back to the same gym membership. Yet, I pay twice as much now.

Back to fighting with the person I love and trust the most in this world. Yet, he says he still loves me.

May 6, 2023

I started my day early and excited to go get Rush tickets for Dancing'. One of my dance friends Stephanie said she'd go with me. So on my way out the door I realize I can't take the N or W as there was none. Not knowing about the shuttle buses I marched my self down to the R train, which was a 20 minute walk or 5 minutes till the bus! Woah! I am running on down. keeping my spirits up as I made the bus right not time.

.04 miles. I am so thankful because I just realized I wore my vans.

Miss the train by 5 second maybe, because I didn't get off the right stop.

45 minutes later I find myself in line right before the box office opened upset I was not one of the first people in line. I was delighted to see that there was like maybe 10 people in line and I had hope!

20 minutes later we find ourselves with our $40 rush tickets to see Dancin' at 8 pm, walking on down to brunch in Chelsea.

25 minutes and 1.5 miles. We are putting our names in for a table for two at Citizens of Chelsea and watching Lu's live battles in Spain. My legs hurt but my stomach hurts more.

10 quick minutes later we are sitting at the window- literally facing another table and the outdoors, ordering some food. I ate some bacon today. It was wild.

An hour later we are heading down to 14th street to take Vive's dance class.

3o minutes and 2.2 miles. A class filled with spirals and lightness. I felt weightless in class. I was thankful for New York City and it being my home. We ended class in a circle and I enjoy my clean space in the corners. I'm going to miss taking dance class with Stephanie! Vive's class is such a challenge but it is everything.

1.5 hours - plus 15 minutes buffer after changing - we start walking towards Washington square park for lemonade after Vive switched his mind from coffee ( coffee-less weekend for me. yay) Feet. Are. Super. Aching.

7 minutes later, we see a protest and turn left immediately. Found ourselves at Thai Terminal. A mango mimosa and scallion pancake cubes later and we are out the door heading to the train.

Stephanie and I head to 14th Street Union Square and stumble upon the Cannabis Rally. People getting high and just talking about freeing the people incarcerated for weed. It was busy, smelled good and was a cool & raw experience.

10 minutes later and we are on the train heading home. I was so thankful to find the shuttle that time. Home- Change- Head to the city again.

Ya girl made one mistake. I worn heels.

20 minutes and .8 miles. I walk now down to the R. WHY !? I could have worn flats!!!!! Had I known that after the musical I would have taken the bus the wrong way and walked an additional 20 minutes I WOULD Have WORN FLATS!

1 hour and hundreds of tourists later and we are sittin' 3 row mezzanine on the right side. It was a magnificent show. It was an incredible experience. I am glad I walked all over town today and am glad I am a dancer and my body is able to. I am blessed to be able to take a day off and enjoy it in full leisure.

I am fascinated by the cold. The winter specifically.

It brings me to a place where I can feel everything in my body in intensely before parts of it go numb.

It is fascinating to see my breath and exactly how much I am even breathing.

If we are lucky, we get to experience the snow. At times, a white blanket that covers the earth, and instantly makes everything seem magical.

I am fascinated by the winter. It looks good on people and the Fashion sense makes sense.

Scarf. Check.

Hat. Check

Gloves. Double Check.

Layers are not only used for protecting the skin but also provide confidence boost. Those accessories come out of storage for a few short months and Fashion has arrived.

We spent all day and night fucking. We can't seem to keep our hands off of each other. Your skin on mine and your lips on mine, is a feeling I didn't even realize I was craving. Not just touch but your touch. I can't believe the summer came and went just like that. It feels as though you are a past memory. Someone so special that it was too good to be true. A consistent face I now only occasionally get to see.

Why do things like that happen? The universe brings you someone fantastic and takes them away. You're not gone but you're not here.

It hurts to be away from you and it's insane to feel this way because we just met. This whole time I was diving right in while you were afraid of what could be. I thought I was protecting myself and hiding behind the addiction to our intimacy. I can't process how I actually feel anymore. I want you. I want you all the time.

I want you to want me too, but I know that reciprocity would only lead to toxicity. Why do I do this to myself? Finding the one should not make me this crazy. I wasn't even looking for anything and neither were you. You still tell me you aren't looking for anything. So I am peeling away. Taking a step back because if I dive in any deeper, I am going to lose myself in you. I am going to let go of all of our good memories and focus on how you don't want me to be yours. How there is a slight chance that you might go back to her, or meet someone else and move on. For all I know I was just a rebound girl. Someone you used until you were sore.

And I know I shouldn't think this way, but I can't help it. I have nightmares of your family not approving of me and I already met them. You say you dream of me too and it is always good vibes. Why can't I dream that way?

My goodness how things would be so much easier if I never went to recital. How different would my summer be? Would I be happier? Would I have come back to New York? Be vaccinated? Have an apartment in the city? Be into a new style of dance?

I don't even crave being high when I am around you. You're such good person. It makes me wonder if I am a good person myself.

You are my zen.

All I do is think about you and don't want to. I want to be able to breathe again without seeing your face, or go to sleep without feeling sad because you're not with me.

There are so many things I want to say to you, but I know that I can't. It's too soon and my heart honestly can't take it.

I hope these feelings settle down and I focus on all the good times we have had. I won't beat myself up. I can't. I am stronger than that and you don't need someone as needy as me to become obsessed.

I long for your touch, and I can't wait to hold you again. But I must wait. I must calm down before I turn into someone I don't recognize.

I think I love you and I am breaking my own heart by keeping this from you.

I have been back home in Puerto Rico for the last week. So far it has been eye-opening, healing and educational. This is everything I intended on finding on this trip. Focusing on the environment around me and not standing in my way. I am honoring this trip for myself. I am taking the time to learn about where I come from, understand my family more, and through all of this enrichment, be able to heal.

My traumatic past is in a way catching up to me. Over the last year I have been working on reconnecting with my family, especially my cousins. My Tio Danny is an extended part of the family but he is still family. Spending time with those types of family members makes you realize that blood isn't the only thing. Sometimes in this life we are given the opportunity to pick our family and we should always take it and make the right choices.

My cousins grew up an hour from me in Tampa and I did not know about them until I visited last time and an Aunt mentioned one of her brothers who moved to Tampa years ago. I met one of those cousins in Puerto Rico. Our connection was real and another cousin is brought into my life. Over the last year I have seen and reconnected with over 10 cousins. I am blessed to have this opportunity even at the age of 27.

The last time I was here was a rough time and I was not okay with it. in addition to making up for the last time, I found myself in a wok situation where I could just live out of a suitcase for a while. I struggled most of my life having a relationship with my family on the island. Family in general because I was raised away from the island. I am staying with my grandmother, and in a way regretting not doing this in the past.

Life is too short for regrets and grudges. If there is anything I have learned from my family and this trip so far, is that -- shit happens, life goes on, you life your own life and it is okay to forgive and move forward.