Ceanna

“Do you even care how much you hurt Jude?” His voice was shrill, seething silently from the other end of the line. 

“Jude and I are just frien-”

“Bullshit, Summer! For whatever reason, Jude really fucking loves you. Somehow, after all the caginess and the unreliability, he still gives a fuck about you. And you don’t even care!”

What did Kai know about love? He was always on and off with Aria, always fucking around with some poor girl to make her jealous, knowing he would inevitably repeat the cycle. 

“You’re one of my best friends, but Jude’s my brother. If you wanna be casual, that’s fine, but he doesn’t deserve to be lied to or used. He’s made it very clear how much he cares about you, but you keep him on a fucking chain, and it’s not right. If you actually care about him, you would be honest with him. It’s the least he deserves.” 

I knew Jude cared about me. That was the worst part of this whole situation. He was always taking care of me, always gentle, always comforting me, making sure I was safe. I was constantly waiting for him to slip up, to break my heart or something, but he never did. And I hated it. None of this was fair to him. 

My heart raced as I made way to Jude. Suddenly it felt like a million people were crowding the room. It was way too fucking hot in here; I felt like I was gonna throw up or faint as I stood in front of him. 

“I need to talk to you,” I said, already leading him outside.

The cold ocean air whipped my face as I stood there in front of him. I could still hear Whitesnake blaring inside the room, and all I could think about was how I was gonna murder Kai if he was wrong. What if I was just a casual fling for Jude? What if he was sick of me by now? He could have a new girlfriend or fling right now! He could be meeting up with some girl after his show, and there would be nothing I could do about it! 

“I haven’t been fair to you, Jude. I’m sorry”. I didn’t even look at him when I spoke. I couldn’t.

“What are you talking about?” 

“When we first started talking, I was so prepared for you just to be another asshole. I was waiting for you to break my heart; I was practically pleading for it. But you’re so fucking kind. No matter what I’ve done to you,  you’re always so nice and gentle. You don’t yell at me, you don’t force me to do shit, you don’t criticize me, you don’t hurt me, and that terrifies me. And I’m so sorry that I’ve been such a bitch to you and all I do is keep you at arms length-”

“Summer-”

“And I understand if you hate me, because if you treated me the way I treat you, I would be so fucking pissed. But just need you to know that I really do love you and-”

“Summer! Just listen to me, please!”

I was crying by this point, and I cried even harder when Jude put his arms around my shoulders. I could smell the Country Apple body splash and the surf wax clinging to his clothes as he pulled me closer. 

“I’m not upset with you, Jewels,” he paused for a second before regaining himself. 

“When Mindy died, I really thought that was it for me. I was either gonna join her, or I was just gonna spend the rest of my life alone because what was left for me after that? But no matter what you think about yourself, Summer, you’re such a bright light to everybody you meet. You’re accepting and authentic; you don’t care what anyone says about you or anyone else. You’re always so patient and kind; you’re sarcastic and stubborn, you’re a million things at once, and I want every single one of them. What are you so scared of, Summer?”

 I was scared of every fucking thing. It was all too much to tell him. I never really cared too much for the guys I dated, breaking up with them after a week to save myself from the heart. I don’t even think I could call what Jake did to me love.  The only person I had a semblance of a good relationship with was a girl, so I never knew what to do with a guy that actually cared about me. Jude’s love wasn’t forceful or cruel, just patient and delicate. What was I supposed to do with someone like that?

“I don’t know how to love someone like you do.” I kept my eyes on the concrete, trying not to look at him as I spoke. I sounded like a child. 

“I could show you,” The metal from his piercing felt cold against my lips as he kissed me. 

“You deserve to be loved, Summer. Just let me take care of you.”

Summer had been angry about Jake for a year now. She was mad at me for telling on him, and at Mom and Dad for refusing to feel sympathy for him. It was sick how she constantly defended him, how she thought Jake was her boyfriend, begging to see him in prison or to let her send him letters. How could she expect anyone to have sympathy for the man who assaulted her? How could she scream and cry and berate everyone, especially Mom, because of what he did to her? Last night she and Mom argued all night, probably waking up half the fucking neighborhood in the process. 

“You must have some real audacity thinking you can talk to me like this, Summer. There is not a fucking thing I haven’t given you, and now you expect me to feel an ounce of sympathy for that man! You must have the most distorted version of love if you believe that Jake actually loved you, and I will not hear one more word about him.”

It was almost like Summer’s whole goal was to anger Mom. Anyone could see how much Mom favored Summer. Whether she was buying Summer what looked like hundreds of dollars of makeup, comics, art supplies, and whatever else she could want, or crying while brushing Summer’s hair because she really did feel bad for her sometimes. But Summer didn’t care. She didn’t care about Dad crying over her like a corpse; she didn’t care if she had Mom leave and drive away during their arguments. Summer Hastings didn’t care about anyone but herself, Jake, or bawling and squealing at Dad because he seemed to be the only one who even entertained the thought of her loving Jake. Their relationship was disgusting. 

Dad never played favorites until Jake went to prison. That was Mom’s job. He always made sure we got equal amounts of presents for our birthdays or Christmas; he never overly coddled; he always preached about not overly spoiling his children with material gifts. He always made sure to leave longly worded letters in our stockings or birthday boxes, detailing how much he loved us or how “grateful” he was to be able to see us grow over the last year. I used to think my dad was the greatest man on Earth. Even if Mom was coddling and spoiling Summer all day, my dad was always going to have my back. Now all he cared about was trying to appease Mom or keep himself from feeling guilty about Summer. I hated my dad now. 

There was nothing safe in his relationship with Summer. He never spoiled her that much before; Mom did enough of that for the whole fucking world, but now everything he did was about her. He constantly bought Summer whatever she asked for or pampered her after arguments with Mom; sometimes he’d even scold Mom or me in her favor.

“You can’t keep running away to your parents' house after you fight with her, Ruby. What example are you setting for her when you do that?”

“Lennon, you don’t understand what your sister’s going through. This worst time in her life, and you need to start being kinder to her.” 

“Don’t worry too much about your brother, honey. You’re gonna be okay. He doesn’t mean anything he says.”

What did he know about anything?

September 5th

I wanted to feel bad for Summer; I really did, but she made it so fucking difficult. She was truly the saddest, most miserable person I ever met. She wailed all morning; her sobs wore Mom and Dad down so much that they just agreed not to make her go to school today. 

“What’s the point!? Aria isn’t going today, and I don’t have practice anymore-”

“Ok, but don’t make this a habit.”

It was so easy for her to get out of doing anything. She was childish with how often she sobbed, her eyes always going wide as she begged Mom and Dad to not make her do something. She did it whenever she didn’t want to go to family dinners; she did it when she refused to go with Dad to see the Sinclairs across the street, cruelly trying to avoid Roxanne. She hardly ever did anything that involved leaving the house, except for sports. She’s practically fused to her bed every day. 

Today, Dad drove me to school. Usually I walked unless Mom or Dad were taking me; even though Summer could drive me to school, I’d rather die than ride around with Summer, Aria, and Kai blasting shitty music down the street. Dad wasn’t going to let me ignore him like I normally did. He was always trying to make small talk with me in the mornings before he left for work or when I came home from practice, but usually I was able to dodge his attempts. 

“All I’m saying is that, Lennon, you could be nicer to your sister. I’m tired of you constantly picking at her or showing no empathy towards her. You know Summer is going through a lot right now. It’s honestly appalling how you don’t seem to care about what she could be going through.”

Empathy? I showed Summer empathy. It wasn’t my fault she hated me after I told Mom and Dad about Jake. It wasn’t my fault she was angry all the time. Why did her issues always have to be my problem?

“It’s not my fault she’s miserable. She’s always terrible to me, Dad! Look at the way she treats me or my friends or Roxanne! Look at the way she treats Mom! You always let her get away with everything just because something bad happened to her. She doesn’t think it was a bad thing, so why should any of us care? Besides, it’s your fault any of this shit happened anyw-”

I didn’t mean to say this last part out loud. But Jake was his friend. Before he went to prison, Dad always talked about how Jake had been his best friend since they were kids; Jake was practically like a 2nd brother to him. How was it even possible that Dad didn’t notice that his best friend was assaulting his daughter? All of this shit was his fault, whether he wanted to admit it or not. 

“I didn’t know you felt that way.”

Mom was going to be pissed when she found out what I said. She always defended Dad no matter what. Summer was going to scream at me for insulting her new favorite parent. Everything in our lives was so beyond fucked.