actual abomination

Love is dangerous. Love was what took Karl from him. Love was what did in Jowan, Warden-Commander Surana’s brother. The Circle teaches mages that loving is a mistake. It is not for them. But love comes to easily to Anders. Not just romantic, all love. He feels so fully, so passionately. For a long while, he tried to hide it. “You’re alright.” was what he told Surana. She laughed and shoved his shoulder and asked “Just alright?” ’You’re the only friend I’ve had since Karl.’ wouldn’t come out. So he filled the silence with more jest. She took it for what it was, she knew what it was, and he was grateful. They loved each other like siblings, like the Circle taught them not to, and he was grateful for the experience. Three years around Hawke, their constant smiles and flirting, and not a single mention of affection could be willed from his lips. Playful pet names and teasing, sure, but nothing that felt too close. Too unsafe. But Hawke, Hawke was persistent. And unmarred by the life of the Circle. Hawke loved. And Hawke deserved to be loved back. In whatever way he could manage. My friend, my light, my Hawke. Love is dangerous for reasons other than what the Circle taught him. Love is a gamble. When you love, as Hawke loves and Anders wants so badly to, you risk being denied. You risk the pain of those you love being unable to return that love. “You can’t keep teasing me like this.” He was trying to laugh it off, trying to give them that last out to back away—to give his love back before it was too late. But Hawke just smiled. “What if I’m not teasing?” Something in him gave, or broke, or simply opened—he’s not sure. But he was sure that kissing Hawke was something he’d wanted to do for so long. It was desperate and needy and he felt flushed and out of breath but refused to part until he absolutely had to. Hawke followed him, leaning forward as he broke the kiss, and he felt guilty for not doing this sooner. Still, love will not leave his lips. He felt it, right there on the tip of his tongue, but it ran before he could find his voice. It didn’t return until so much later that evening, in Hawke’s bed, and even then he could not bring it forward. He said their name like a prayer but ‘love’ refused to come forward. Even when Hawke whispered the word in his ear. They use this word as a name for him. ’Love, thank you. Love, stay.’ His heart ached and melted at once. Later, sitting by the fire in his early morning restlessness, the word formed a lump in his throat. Hawke moved over to him and draped themselves over his shoulders, face buried in the feathers of his coat, and hummed softly. One finger traced the line of his jaw, lovingly, and he swallowed hard. “I love you.” It was such a strange thing to hear in his voice. He felt himself freeze involuntarily, even as Hawke’s body remained relaxed and warm against him. “I love you too, dearheart.” they murmured into his collar, arms squeezing loosely at his shoulders. “I know.” he replied, and shifted to press a kiss to their temple, “Thank you. For waiting.” Hawke laughed softly and pressed their lips to his scruffy cheek, one hand holding his other closer to exaggerate the gesture, and spoke against his skin. “It was worth it.” they said, and his heart really melted then, “It was so worth it.” Love is dangerous, yes, but love is worth it.

crying screaming throwing up

come back to sleep 🎶

"they all feel confident he'd never hurt her" ｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡

Solas greatly approves