Aspecs unite

Hello!!! I'm Marsh (They/She).

(Main blog: @marshmellow-oxo )

I made this because while I've seen many arospec and acespec blogs for users to share their experiences, I haven't seen any blogs focused on the whole anattractional spectrum. I felt like making this for any loveless aspec people or any one who is on the aspec for one of the many attractions.

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So, unless I'm misinterpreting something, you are anattractional and are attraction/relationship-repulsed.

I don't think there's any term for that outside of apothiattractional, because from what I understand, but perhaps something equivalent to the asexual ARCsexual or Averse, Repulsed, Conflicted terminology may be helpful. I'm not sure if there is an equivalent anattraction label, but perhaps anticarnal may allign with you experience, as that is the repulsion to the concept of sexual attraction. You may want to use the term antiattraction in terms of ARCattractional? I'm not sure.

I'd encourage you to check out the linked wiki page.

Let me know if you need any more aid, or if my assumptions are incorrect. Hope that helped!

LINK:

I don't expect or want everything to be about me, and I hope I'm not implying that everything should cater to me, as I don't want that. I want to vent this here to avoid derailing things.

I'm not completely alone, though I think I don't have a common or expected amount, desire for, or such of relationships. I also don't think I feel very lonely. However, after talks, I wonder if I'm not okay, or sorta feel lost when there's not much info given other than "it's okay if not lonely", or just mentioned as an outlier. Maybe it's also cuz I can be health anxious, and the effects of loneliness I hear scare me sometimes.

I'm curious how outliers respond to a lack of relationships, or solitude, and why. I desire info about different lifestyles, with or without partners, friends, family, social motivators, and more, even if I don't personally experience them all. I sometimes wish for specific things about asociality, like how to tell if one is well or lonely if they have low social needs, desires, or closeness. Also advice or experience, like how to operate when you don't want any or many close relationships, only form relationships around things like hobbies, don't have much social support, how to do things that require/expect/assume or are more difficult without other relationships, being asocial or aspec and aging, or anything else.

I wonder if it's ironic that I desire guidance, but I don't claim to be completely asocial, just that it's a word for me to describe this right now. Maybe this can be an awkward thing about general advice. Maybe I will find more things soon, or need to look in certain or different places. Maybe I've missed something or got something wrong. Maybe this'll be an experience I mostly or kinda have to figure out alone. I will see. (> <)

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I wish I could give you all the answers, but unfortunately, I myself have not experienced enough of life to help you or answer your questions. It's completely normal to be unsure and have questions about what's to come for those with similar lives to your own. It's okay to not know everything and question your identity and wonder about the future.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be of more help, but I believe that your last statement summarizes it quite well. A lot of these things we just have to figure out alone, which although scary, is okay. Thank you for sharing you experience.

Thank you for understanding!

Like I enjoy people’s company, but often don’t “want more” from our interactions. Because of this it’s hard for me to reciprocate things that people usually want in a relationship (spending time, remembering things about them, thinking about them when we’re apart, reaching out when I haven’t heard from them, etc).

It’s hard not to feel guilty that I’m not putting in the same effort to have relationships with people I know, especially when I do enjoy socializing with them. I feel like I want the benefits of social relationships without having to put in the work that is needed to maintain them.

I don’t know how to balance getting my needs for socializing met with not forcing myself to act in ways that aren’t genuine/don’t come naturally. (Plus I have some social anxiety so interacting with strangers is often challenging if I’m not already in an environment/with people I feel safe around).

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Unfortunately, I am not the best person to discuss this, but I will try my best to provide some comfort at least. I do not think you should feel guilty about you feeling social attraction while not necessarily feeling other attractions, such as platonic, etc. Many people who are allo socialize just for the sake of having someone to talk to and there's nothing wrong with that. The term "leading people on" is a bit iffy, I my opinion, because it implies that by interacting with someone, you are encouraging them to be attracted to you, which confuses me, but I don't think you're doing that, or need to worry.

I cannot get rid of any guilt you may feel, as emotions are a fairly standard human experience, but I can tell you that you are not doing anything wrong. Just be authentically you, and live in a way that you find comfortable, even if others may have opinions on that. Tbh, my biggest advice to give you is to ignore others' opinions, but I know that can be difficult.

Sorry if this didn't help much! I wasn't too sure how to approach your ask. 😓

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Short answer: Yes, It's definitely possible to be aplatonic or on the aplspec while having and/or wanting friends.

Long answer: Literally, most terms have multiple definitions, so all of the things you mentioned are simultaneously true. The definition of aplatonic is feeling little to no platonic attraction, but whether you consider that simply having friends, or the want to make friends determines whether you think using the term aplatonic matches you. Both technically count under the definition, and if you feel comfortable using the term aplatonic and think it represents your experiences, despite having friends, then you can use it. Also, as with everything related to attraction, being aplatonic is a spectrum, so even if you feel some platonic attraction, you could fall on the spectrum regardless.

In the end, just use whatever terms you think explain your experiences. You don't owe anyone validation for why you think it's the right term for you.

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That is very fair. 👍

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HELL YEAH! You don't have to explain yourself and there is nothing wrong with using the word "friend" despite being aplatonic. You don't owe anyone an explanation and linguistic definitions are fluid either way. Just do whatever you are comfortable with! :D

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Tell me about it. :(

whatever the hell prosocial allos have going on is a constant source of confusion. I was a full adult before I realised that people actually do experience losing close people (death or otherwise) as losing a part of themselves. Like, that phrase is mostly literal in a lot of cases.

And I'm sitting in a corner over here with the thought process 'I have partners/friends because it's beneficial and pleasant'.

tbh there's a lot of those interpersonal phrases that I'm realising are not actually hyperbolic so I'm a little bit in a constant state of 'wait people actually feel that?!?!!?!?!??!' so that's been fun lol.

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Thank you for sharing your experience.

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Real.

I agree with doing this. >:3 Thank you for sharing!

i don't want to feel like an additional group. i don't want it to be "asexuals and aromantics" and then "the rest of the community." i don't like that divide

i want "the aspec community" to mean the aspec community. i want it to feel whole where we're all equally considered

i hate. how my own space feels like two communities and a subgroup. the "everyone else." i hate the term "tertiary attraction." the other, less considered attractions. the accepted heirarchy

i just want "aspec" to mean "anattractional spectrum."

i don't want to be an afterthought.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have to say that I completely agree. While I do understand why we use the term tertiary attraction for non-romantic and non-sexual attraction, I agree that it does feel othering. Along with the fact that anyone who is aspec and not necessarily acespec or arospec is forgotten and most people do no care to try to understand us. Hopefully that changes in the future. :(

that they tried to include me

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I understand how you feel. It is unfortunate that aspecs which aren't arospec or acespec are treated as afterthoughts in the community. </2 Hopefully that will change in the future.

Thank you for sharing your experience! ^^

It’s always a kick in the gut whenever I see them get matchmade or dragged into found family or pushed to socialise or get forcibly hugged and they end up liking it. I’d loathe nothing more personally

Consent message issues aside, it sucks that there’s no representation for people that don’t secretly want you to try harder because they just don’t vibe like that

Thank you for sharing your take! I have to say I agree completely. It's sad media chooses not to do so. 😔

To the person who sent that one ask about a certain controversial topic starting with the letter p(you know who you are), I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with posting it.

Thank you for understanding.