i'm trying to be creative again
Recently my little sister showed me she'd made a tumblr account, and to my surprise tumblr is in fact not dead - I even feel it's somewhat similar to how it was maybe 10 or more years ago when I was around her age. She was reading somebody's blog and I was proud of her for making herself a cozy little creative outlet and for intentionally consuming content. When it's so easy to just zone out on short form :P
It's pretty late and I don't know just how much I want to flesh out my thoughts but I will say this - sometimes I feel like I don't enjoy things the way I used to. When I think of my golden age of creativity, i think of my teenage self - lonely and sooo upset bahahha. but it's true! And I was making playlists, and obsessing over handsome actors and learning kpop dances, pouring PVA glue on my skin and peeling it off. Making up a new makeup look, adoring my new thrifted outfit. The awe and the lovey feeling seemed to last longer.
For context, now I'm in my early twenties - I live alone and am taking care of all my bills, my space, myself u name it. This year I've been trying my best to create habits that allow space for me to actually stop and enjoy the world around me. Sometimes I fall off, and that's okay. All of this is specific to my needs of course, but what I found is that: When things are taken care of, there is space for frolicking. I thrive on a routine - I like that my to-do's are pre decided because deciding is a job in itself. When my house is messy, my brain is messy. That's just me! When my bills are paid, I don't have to worry about my bills not being paid. Obvious but important.
Creativity is personal, creativity is love and passion!! Rebuild that love and awestruck-ness in your heart and some day it will tap your shoulder with an idea that makes you feel that same way. And when you get an idea jump, jump, jump at it! Honour it. Surround yourself with ppl/things that bring that love-feeling up into your chest. Be inspired! Don't compare output. You have a different story from another artist. All beautiful stories!
I felt like posting, and feel like It's my duty to myself to do so. Right now I'm revelling in that love-feeling! Who knows, this piece might be a waste of your time, but I know that each time I act on that tap on my shoulder, it becomes easier for me to do so again and again. And I trust myself more bcos I'm scratching an itch, fulfilling a wish, completing an idea.
To close off: I'm getting used to a new lifestyle - I didn't have much of a routine growing up and I've begun adulting. I started this essay sort of down and negative, but I've realised that my circumstances now are not the same as when I was younger. It's a lot easier to spend your free time creatively when everything around you from your schedule to what's for dinner is taken care of. I have far more things to think about now, but in the process I've built trust in myself and can start to worry less and start moving towards what I want. To beat myself up could possibly be out of habit - because i believe in maself B) I've come a long way, am doing really well, and am continuing to try and get where I want to be.
Another take away from writing today is that... perhaps when i think about creaitivity, i should be thinking of it as this personal, lovely, exciting feeling that needs to be fawned over. Not a product
