Personal Poetry

Love has this way of playing

Sick games

Where it will make you start crushing on your friend

And you'll shove it all under the bed until…

There's so much love there it just explodes

Love has this way of playing

Sick games

Where you'll feel connected to someone

And then you'll start to lean on them

And then just like summer they will leave you there hanging

Love has this way of playing

Sick games

Where you'll watch your crush date someone else

And then you'll imagine you were their date

And then you'll realize how they are slowly crushing you

Love has this way of playing

Sick games

Where you'll watch everyone around you be happy

And you'll start to feel alone

Short white dress

Neat black shoes

Bright pink phone

Solid white purse

Black lining

Cheerleader ponytail

Back against the wall

Dark blue toes

She sits straight up

Love is funny isn't it

Coming from a demi-mostly hetrosexual sis-gender female

For me

Love just loves fucking with me

All members of society who I have gotten close to

Sis-gender hetrosexual males

I have gotten into relationships with

All of them

ALL OF THEM

I now hide everything

Inside I worry that the next person

I open up to I will fall for

And it doesn't matter whether or not they will like me back

Ill ruin myself

Again and again its happened

It's been two years since I've been 100% honest with someone

And slowly

Every so slowly i've been opening up to others

But for shits shake

I can't do it to myself again

To ruin myself because I fell for a friend

Another friend

I've already lost too many to it

I can't lose another one

For I might be mentally unstable

But losing another friend will crush me so much

I don't know what I would do

If I did it to myself again

I've fallen for another friend

And feel awful

Because if I act in any way shape or form I will loose them

Again

And

And

And I will spill

i'm not even out of the last one

Maybe i'm halfway there

But doing it again to myself would send me

Deeper

So much deeper

Into this hole, i'm already in

I can feel it digging beneath me

I'm holding on to the slippery surface of the walls the are surrounding me

But

I'm starting to loose my grip

I can feel myself starting to slip

And if I call for help

I'm afraid they won't help me up

Oh you gotta like the sick jokes love plays

I keep glancing at the box

It’s only been a day

I’ve gotten up and walked next to it

I’ve taken the 3 things I threw on top of it off

 I just stared at it

Still sealed

With us hidden inside

I smiled at the thought of opening it

The thought was enough

The thought was enough for me to walk away

To throw the shit in front of us

And it hurt alittle to walk away

 But I did, I walked away

Sooner or later the box will just be a flashback

At Least I hope so

But inside

 Knowing I have a box of us hidden in the corner

Makes me smile

Maybe one day I’ll share it with you

Maybe one day we can sit down and look at

 What could have been

But for now

I’ll walk beside you in the halls

And I won’t tell you about the box

 I will hide the beautiful box of us

That I have forgotten little bits of what's inside

And even though I’ve started to throw the mini side boxes

That connected me to the box

 I’ve thrown them out the window

I stare down from my floor

To the ground

And stop myself from running

 Running down thirteen flights of stairs

To pick up the little boxes and

Hide them with the big one

I stop

 The moment I go get the boxes,

I might open them

I might open the big one

And I can’t

 I will not open the big one

If I open the box again

I might not put it back

I might throw it out the window

 Or I might give it to you

Before you are ready

Before you are ready to sit with my and look at

What could have been

And if I give you the box before

You're ready to look…

You might throw the other box of us out

The window

 The other box

The more important box

The box of our friendship

And I can't lose that box

 Ive boxed myself

So I can only open the parts

I’m willing to share

And I can hide some boxes

  And in the worse of times, I can throw a box or two out the window

But I want to keep these boxes

Until I have a bigger box

One that makes this box seem ready to share

 A box where I have the emotional state

To deal, if you throw my boxes out my window

Cause I have another box

A different box

 But until then

I am just going to sit here

And look at the box

Sealed, sitting in the corner

 Wondering, what I put inside

         3 flat white walls and a wall filled with different colors and heights past the window

                       in the middle a big bed with milk sheets with blue undertones

    single bright light shines at night

as I sit in the light

I watch a show where someone dies

        just to feel like I have a reason to cry

                       the perfection of a life I live

   with ‘blessed’ fortunes I am told we have

My problems don't matter for they don't exist

                  First world problems are what I am said I have

        Broken over a relationship which ended years ago

   sealed in the corner behind the cold stone walls I have

Built around me

    Back against these wooden black walls behind me

 Where I watch a show

                                 Where someone dies

So I feel like I have a reason

sitting in the slowly dying grass

on a lawn near some tall trees with falling leaves

reaching for the bright sun above me

watching a stretched out Hershey's wrapper

slowing melting

to the jagged sides of the crushed can

on a hot summer

ever

so slightly

rocking my tears

away as they attempt to keep the vanishing grass from leaving

Silently grasping the giant slab of dirt beneath me

graving its stability

Peeling the melting wrapper off the can

Chunks of it

Lay on it

Unable to be reattached to me

He will never allow me to still be me

For parts of the wrapper

Will now only be stuck to the can

Slowly melting into a different shape