amplified musculoskeletal pain syndrome

Me on a bad day: this isn’t that bad I’m so dramatic

doctor: have you tried exercising, eating fruit and losing weight?

chronically ill person:

like, can I go to work every day and earn a paycheck? yeh. Can I sustain a small circle of friends and go on a few dates every few months? pretty much. can I feed myself and get a passable amount of sleep? most the time

is my apartment absolutely littered with laundry and trash? yes as well. Have a done dishes in the last week? nope. have I been 10-30 minutes late to almost every engagement in the last year? yep. have I forgotten to shower for 4-5 days, like every other week? yeehaw 

I know people look at me and are like, ‘God, she has her shit together, God I wish I could do that,’ but I’m sitting here feeling like an anxiety disaster half-person

You would think that being chronically ill would make you more in-tune with your body since you have to think all the time about what you’re doing, evaluate how much energy you have to do a thing, figure out what triggers which symptoms, have to explain stuff to doctors in excruciating detail over and over again, etc. And, to be sure, that is true for me to an extent. 

But the other thing I’ve found is that when you have chronic illness/chronic pain, you get so used to tuning out the unpleasant sensations that are just a normal part of living in your body that you forget to listen to your body signaling you to do stuff? Like I’ll notice that I have to pee, and then immediately forget about it, and then like 6 hours later it reaches the point of like actual stabbing pain and I’m like oh my god I really have to go to the bathroom what the fuck how did I forget about this? Or I’ll go a long time without eating because I just… forget to notice that I’m hungry. 

My body is like “hey, I need a thing” and I’m usually like “body, shhh, I’m busy”

Hang in there. An anonymous fear submitted to Deep Dark Fears - thanks!