new rules.

“Talking does not get you in trouble,” she laughed slightly, but she understood it. Understood why. Talking was difficult, and Lex knew how hard it could be just to spit it out. “You’re not good in the kitchen, you’re younger than me, and you’re absolutely fucking stunning. And yes, I was tempted. I was, I admitted that, fully. But I also know that what we have is irreplaceable. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t throw that away for anything. So just– please remember that I love you.” It was a bit of a ramble, and she knew it. She paused when it looked like Amira wanted to talk, so she slowed down and let her get it off her chest. 

“I don’t think you’re messy.” She protested, nearly immediately. And as if to punctuate it, leaned forward to press a kiss to her lips. “But I can do that. If I have to work late, I’ll just bring it home. Is that okay?”  Another kiss, to her lips and then her scar. “I’ll do whatever it takes to reassure you that I’m not going anywhere.” 

She would have given Lex a look if the situation was different, but she just cast her eyes down. Talking was always what got her in trouble. Her inability to hold her tongue was the reason for so many of her hardships. While people might praise her for it, she could also acknowledge that more often than not, it ended up with her facing some truly awful consequences. But as Lex continued speaking, a warm spark caught in her chest, and both shame and pride warred for the top spot in her chest. She hated that she doubted Lex, falling prey to her insecurities no matter how many times the other woman tried to convince her otherwise.

“No need to apologize.” Lex smiled down softly at her partner. “And it’s really not embarrassing, either. It’s trauma. It’s messy and awful, but a response like this is normal, even after years.” But immediately Lex understood why she was hesitant and embarrassed about it, and touched the scar on her lips lightly. It took nothing away from Amira’s beauty or handsomeness, but was just a part of her and her past. Moving her fingers away she trailed them down her cheek and jawline. A gentle reminder that she was listening and she would never. 

“I understand.” But she was pulling away a bit, to untangle herself and make eye contact once more. She kept one hand on her jaw, tilting her face up so as to look her over. “It’s been a rough couple of months, absolutely. I also thought things were getting better. At least, I was trying to be better. Certainly better enough that you wouldn’t have to resort to cooking a meal for me.” She smiled, a slight laugh in her tone. “I appreciate the gesture. So tell me what’s going on in your head, love.” 

Amira closed her eyes as sure fingers ghosted over the scars that marred her face. Funny how the world worked like that, beginning and ending in a kitchen with a shrieking smoke detector. Fighting the urge to cling as Lex pulled away slightly, Amira hesitantly made eye contact with her. “I- they are. I’m just...” With an audible groan she looked away in frustration. “I get freaked out and I do stupid shit like this and just make it worse when all I have to do is just talk to you but talking always gets me in trouble so I try doing something and it’s just... this,” she muttered half-waving at the kitchen that was probably still somewhat ruined. “I’m not young or pretty or good in the kitchen. I know it’s not something you care about, but I keep thinking about how you... you were tempted, and I swear this isn’t about that.” 

Fingers continued to card through Amira’s hair, and she rested her cheek against her, giving her some closeness to show that she was going to be right there. And keep her safe. She expected a response to her own words, more tears, a few kisses, and then some joking around and laughter as the tension faded. As they both realized that this was silly. But then. It wasn’t silly. It was– Her mom. She swallowed hard, faltering a bit with her fingers in her hair, but continued right after. 

It was just shocking. Lex looked down and saw Amira’s hand tightening into itself and reached with her free hand to take it and bring it to her lips. A gentle kiss to the palm and massaging it with her thumb. No more tension. “I would never. But you know that. I am glad you told me, though. It helps me to understand what not to do.” She kept her voice low and quiet, hoping that Amira didn’t pull away from her. “I’m not angry or upset with you. I was worried, and already stressed about something when I walked through the door. You’re okay. I’m here, and– what can I do to make it better?” 

Amira felt Lex falter and filed it away for later. The before and after moment. But she stayed, solid but soft with her arms around Amira. For once, it didn’t feel claustrophobic to have someone crowd her after an episode. It had been years since she’d had one, and Rosana was the only one who had successfully managed to breach that wall entirely. And here, she had let Lex in without even realizing. Her heart swelled and she let her massage out the tension in her hands and wrists. Skillful fingers pressed into muscle, coaxing her into relaxing. “Sorry,” she whispered, cheeks burning red. 

It was confusion that displayed on her face at all of Amira’s words. She would stay if Amira was better? God– she was perfect for her. Eyebrows twisting together, she leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to her forehead, then her nose. Thumbs swiped at the tears that fell, and she made sure to shift closer, trying to unfurl the ball she’d made herself into. “Baby, it’s okay. It’s okay.” The amount of upset that Amira was displaying was a bit disproportionate to what had happened and Lex didn’t understand, but she didn’t have to. All she had to do was comfort. 

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. You didn’t do anything wrong or make anything worse, I promise.” One of her hands moved to thread through Amira’s hair, another comforting gesture to let her know she was right there and it’d be okay. “It’s just burnt food. It’s fine, love. We can order pizza and have a night in. I’m perfectly okay with that.” 

Amira flinched as Lex leaned in and her brain realized with a sudden drop why she was having such a visceral reaction to this. She had known on some level but it sank in with a finality that made her want to throw up. Ducking her head so it pressed against Lex’s shoulder, she took comfort in her closeness without having to see the look in her eyes. The bewildered confusion, the unconditional love and worry. The way that she seemed to know exactly what Amira needed before she knew herself. It made her shake, realizing what her body feared even before her mind had. 

The look on Amira’s face was something.. different, new– and not in a good way. Before she could tend to that, though, she had to fix whatever was happening in the kitchen. “Just.. hold on, Amira! Just hold on.” She trailed off and moved, quickly, to open a window in the kitchen and to fix somehow clear the smoke away from the detector. No burns on Amira meant things were okay. There was no obvious fire. Thank god. But she was quickly able to assess what Amira had been trying to do.

And her heart cracked a little. There was no need for Amira to try and cook something, she’d have been perfectly happy with take out or cooking with her. 

Making sure nothing was completely ruined, she threw away the burnt bread and the pan looked a bit irreparable, so she dumped that into the trash, too. Her heart still thumping, minutes later, and the beeping stopped– she moved back to the living room. And was completely shocked to see Amira on the floor, rocking. Out of instinct, she immediately dropped in front of her and lifted her head with gentle fingers, looking for signs of physical damage. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? What can I do? I’m here. I’m here, I’m sorry I was late.”  

Her world was a million miles away, an acutely vivid memory that dug up all of the trauma she had spent hours unpacking and dealing with. She was supposed to be better, to be fixed. Her fingers curled inward into fists, nails digging into her palms as Amira tried to shove it all back away. But the second Lex touched her, the efforts crumbled and the tears began to fall. An ugly sob bubbled up and she lurched forward. Lex was apologizing for doing nothing wrong, and it made the guilt sink further in her stomach. 

For Lex, things between her and Amira were a little awkward, but she mostly attributed that to the job mandated space between them. There was nothing that seemed wrong to her, so she gave Amira attention when she could and made sure to let her know, through actions, that things were still very much okay between them. She could sense Amira’s anxiety, it was almost a physical object hanging in the air when they were together but Lex did her best to try and soothe that when she was able. 

Being able to let out her darkest secrets with Amira also seemed to help her. She wasn’t afraid of being that person anymore, and instead knew that the open communication she’d had with her cleared the air. Helped her get things off of her chest. And eventually, she was able to open up about the panic attacks and the turmoil that roiled within her. It helped. But something still seemed slightly off, even if Lex couldn’t put her finger on it.

So she jumped at the opportunity to spend more time with Amira. It was a wonderful idea and Lex responded enthusiastically and told her she’d be back home as soon as possible, hopefully earlier. But plans change, unfortunately. In spending time with Daya, they were working through things together. Just as she was about to leave, however, Daya received a text and asked her frantically to take her to the hospital. 

Alarmed, Lex immediately agreed and in her rush and worry, forgot to text Amira to let her know she’d be running a few minutes late. With the stress of that and trying to make it home on time, she rushed home after dropping Daya off and making sure she was okay to go in alone– it was extremely alarming and nearly panic inducing to hear her smoke alarm going off as she rushed to the door. 

Immediately, she threw the door open, dropped her things and ran to the kitchen to see what was happening, and in a frantic, louder than usual tone, “Amira! What the hell happened?!”

In the chaos and panic, Amira didn’t hear the key in the lock, or the door slamming open then shut. But she did hear Lex’s voice cut through the smoke clearly and the color drained from her face. Spinning to face the Domme, her mouth open and shut wordlessly as she tried to stammer out an explanation. The look in Lex’s eyes made her freeze, something in it that reminded her of a more awful time. Her throat closed up and the sound of the smoke alarm was deafening. Barely managing to mutter a ‘sorry’, Amira stumbled out as though drunk and looked around the living room for some grounding point. 

The silence and distance between them had grown almost unbearable. On a logical level, Amira knew that relationships had their ups and downs, and they were no different, but she felt like she couldn’t get a solid grasp on where she and Lex were. The Domme was easy with affection and love, but it felt as though it only happened on her schedule. Amira hated herself for feeling so insecure, especially when she thought about how many chances Lex had given her, and how attentive and doting she could be. Even if she admitted to thoughts of cheating with a student who was far younger than Amira. It should have soothed her, knowing that Lex at least was trying, was fighting for them, but it only continued to fill her with dread.

With the discovery of these... strange changes for Daya and other Switches in the city, Amira saw Lex even less than she did before. Like ships crossing in the night, and she couldn’t ask her to stop. How could she be selfish like that?

It had been over a week since they’d managed to share a meal, but to her credit, Lex didn’t fight the suggestion when Amira brought it up. She actually seemed to look forward to it, and even mentioned it that morning before she left to go meet with Daya. 

Amira knew that she needed a big gesture, something that gave Lex a reason to stay. While the Dominant had insisted that she wasn’t doing anything wrong in their relationship, as time wound on and things didn’t change? Could she be faulted for second-guessing herself? A quiet but familiar voice took up residence in the back of her mind, warning her not to take it too far, not to be too much. It would have been more comforting if it didn’t ring false in her ears. 

So it was hardly surprising when, later that evening, Amira found herself confronted with two pots bubbling on the stove, with the timer for the oven going off. Lex was already twenty minutes late, and she was rapidly losing hope. But she was going to finish this damn it. She quickly saved the stew by turning off the burners, whirled around to fumble with her phone to silence her alarm, and made her fatal mistake of opening the oven. Smoke billowed out quickly, despite Amira trying to shut it, and the smoke alarm began to beep at an earsplitting level. She started screaming back at the alarm in frustration as she pulled the ruined bread out the oven and shoved it into the sink before turning back to open the windows and wave at the smoke detector with a towel. 

So check it– ya girl lives by the pillars, right? If ya don’t know ‘bout the pillars, I’m gonna have to refer you to my bio on Insta, you can read all ‘bout it on there. Pillar #5 is probs the most, most important– If you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago, you’re not really livin’. That bein’ said, I’m almost positive anybody found in the black light district way back in the day woulda been stoned where they stood. So. if any of y’all fancy a good time, y’all should come check it out with me. I’ll be there all week, every night, probs all month, gettin’ my whole entire shit rocked. 

- xoxo Malia 

I think that’s got to be my favorite of your pillars, if I’m being honest. As someone who absolutely would probably still be killed by the church today if they could get away with it? I wholeheartedly embrace that view. Have you found anything there that’s particularly interested you yet?

BOBBI: So this is hella late because I suck full on, but there's a building on my street that just went up for leasing if you wanted to check that space out?

BOBBI: Also you were right as usual.

[...]

BOBBI: Wanna grab drinks next week?

AMIRA: Sure, send me the address and we'll look into it. The challenge is finding a space big enough that has the necessary facilities for a living space.

AMIRA: I know I was, but what thing was I right about?

[ ... ]

Max: right.. right, yeah, i walked out the door

Max: i gave it up

[ ... ]

Max: thanks. just let me know what you find out?

[ after the brady bunch pizza night ]

Amira: That's not what I said. Your choice in ending it is just that. Your choice. It's not my place to judge and I never will. But ending a relationship comes with it, all of the bad stuff too. Things that Harper might have told you before, she might not want to anymore, and that's her choice.

Oh yeah it’s their personality paints their face ya know? To be fair, my father was a fugly ass bitch before I realized he was a dick so he’s just also unlucky.

Unfortunately, mine wasn’t. He got the superstar treatment so I wouldn’t have been surprised if he got love letters in prison. 

Max: i'm pretty sure she hasn't stopped since we broke up

Max: and idk what to do

Max: i feel responsible for this. and i know logically, she makes her own choices but :/

Amira: Realistically, you don't do anything. As hard as it is, you gave up that right when you walked out the door.

BOBBI: Any sort of semblance of a timeline yet?

BOBBI: Uh, I mean nothing like before tbh. just openin' tomorrow and getting the word out and stuff.

[...]

BOBBI: Do you think I should do a thing?

AMIRA: We're still looking for a location and trying to secure some funding.

Lex: Microwave or fridge is fine, love. Thank you.

Lex: I'm really not sure. Daya texted me. I'll let you know when I know?

Amira: No problem. Just make sure you eat a little before you come to bed, okay?

UNSENT: Why is Daya at the Seaside unless...?

Amira: Okay, I hope everything is all right. Text me if you need me.

Lex: Hey, darling. I'm going to be late getting home.

Lex: I have to go to the Seaside.

Lex: Please don't feel like you need to wait up, and get some rest, okay?

UNSENT: Why are you goi-

Amira: Oh. I picked up some food on the way home but I can just leave it in the microwave for you.