SET THE SCENE - Uma and her crew are invited to Auradon, and after one day in school, they are sick of Fairy Godmother and other teachers reprimanding them. To vent about it, the crew mocks them all in song! (Based on West Side Story’s Gee Officer Krupke)
Desiree: {mocking Fairy Godmother} Hey you!
Uma: {mock innocence} Who me, Fairy Godmother?
Desiree: Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason for not shippin’ ya straight back to the Isle, ya punk!
Uma: {singing, on one knee} Deeeeeeeeear kindly Miss Godmother, you gotta understand. Instead of being smothered, we were raised by the damned. Our mothers are all junkies, our fathers are all drunks. Golly Moses—naturally we’re punks!
Gil, Harry, and Uma: Gee Fairy Godmother, we’re very upset! We never had the love that every child oughta get. We ain’t no delinquents, we’re misunderstood. Deep down inside us there is good!
All: There is good, there is good, there is untapped good. Like inside the worst of us is good.
Desiree: That’s a touchin’ story.
Uma: Lemme tell it to the world!
Desiree: Just tell it to the King!
Uma: {To Gonzo, who’s pretending to be King Ben} Deeeeeeeeear kindly King your honor, my parents treat me rough. With all their marijuana, they won’t give me a puff. They didn’t want to have me, but somehow I was had. Leapin’ lizards—that’s why I’m so bad!
Gonzo: {To Desiree, imitating Ben} Right! Fairy Godmother, you’re really a square; this girl don’t need the king, she needs an analyst’s care! It’s just her neurosis that oughta be curbed—she’s psychologically disturbed!
All: We’re disturbed, we’re disturbed, we’re the most disturbed! Like we’re psychologically disturbed!
Gonzo: Hear ye, hear ye! In the opinion of this court, this child is depraved on account she ain’t had a normal home.
Uma: Hey, I’m depraved on account I’m deprived!
Gonzo: So take her to a head shrinker.
Uma: {To Jonas, who puts on glasses and pretends to be a psychiatrist} Myyyyyyyyy dad, I never met him, my Mommy clobbers me. My Grandpa is Poseidon, the Greek God of the Sea.
Harry: My sister wears a mustache!
Gil: My brother wears a dress!
Uma: Goodness gracious—that’s why I’m a mess!
Jonas: {as psychiatrist} Yes, Fairy Godmother, she shouldn’t be here. This girl don’t need a couch, she needs a useful career. Society’s played her a terrible trick, and sociologically she’s sick!
All: We are sick, we are sick, we are sick sick sick! Like we’re sociologically sick!
Jonas: In my opinion, this child does not need to have her head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease.
Uma: Hey, I got a social disease!
Jonas: So take her to a social worker!
Uma: {to Bonny, pretending to be a social worker} Deeeeeeeeear kindly social worker, they tell me get a job, like be a soda-jerker, which means I’d be a slob. It’s not I’m anti-social, I’m only anti-work. Gloryosky–that’s why I’m a jerk!
Bonny: {as social worker} Eek! Fairy Godmother, just look at this child! This girl don’t need a job, she should be back on the Isle! It ain’t just a question of misunderstood; deep down inside her, she’s no good!
All: We’re no good, we’re no good, we’re no earthly good! Like the best of us is no damn good!
Desiree: The trouble is she’s lazy!
Jonas: The trouble is she drinks!
Bonny: The trouble is she’s crazy!
Gonzo: The trouble is she stinks!
Gil: The trouble is she’s growing!
Harry: The trouble is she’s grown!
All: Fairy, we’ve got troubles of our own! Gee, Fairy Godmother, we’re down on our knees!
Uma: ‘Cause no one wants a captain with a social disease!
All: Gee, Fairy Godmother, what are we to do? Gee, Fairy Godmother–F••• you!
(Just watch Gee Officer Krupke and imagine her crew)
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