Carry the Fire

I just endured a traumatic experience. It has come to an end, but there is still work to be done. I’m not completely free yet, and I’m spending my days exhausted and anxious. I find myself disassociating, and either fighting it while it’s happening or coming to randomly. I’ve had troubles with this before, and while I survived, I wish I’d done things differently.

This time will be different. I want a rebirth, and I’m going to try.

June was very difficult. I keep going through ups and downs. I’m struggling with getting out of bed most days and doing things. The school year is closing in, and it’s been a looming deadline to get all the things in. Working through depression and checking things off my ever growing list was absolutely a contributor to the stress. It was like a feedback loop. Thankfully I had time, and I did actually cross some stuff off the list albeit slowly. And it has taken some weight off my shoulders and I’m grateful.

Going to the gym now pretty consistently. Need to work on the diet a bit, but the added protein has helped.

I’m finding a different issue though. I cannot kick this social media addiction. I have timers on my phone for Instagram, and I have my main account and music/art account on there. I disabled my spam, and originally just went on the others because they were less stimulating and more tailored towards music/art. But now they’re basically just the same as before. Slop. Engagement farming. And I see myself interacting with content that makes me feel bad, makes me ruminate. I don’t want to. I want to be myself and come to my own conclusions about things. I hate reading comments. They’re awful and scary most times. They’re funny at times but mostly cruel. Culture war. Us vs them mentality. I hate it. I want nothing to do with it. I want to be out of the loop. Whatever I need to hear about I’m sure I will somehow someway if I must.

I’m one month into summer now. I just got an arm implant today, new birth control. I had been on the pill in high school, but stopped because I gained weight from it and had problems with acne and pms overall. I am nervous for that. I am still admittedly afraid of gaining weight even as an adult. I hate it but I understand why. Makes me sad though.

It also makes me nervous slightly that I’m doing this for a boy. If I’m going to be sexually active I need birth control, but this is non reversible for quite some time. 3-5 years. And he may not last that long realistically. It would be good. But I must prepare for the worst. I’m also old. Like 21 is old as hell to be sex repulsed and anti-relationship. I’m scared I’m not doing this for the right reasons. Makes me insecure.

Moved out of college, graduated with honors. It was a scratch and a crawl but I did it. I have a suspicious lack of emotions considering I left school and haven’t cried or really sat and felt bad about it. I also started up talking to an old fling so maybe my endorphins are just flooded. I feel better, I feel a little more secure.

I am back home now with my family until I move out in the fall. I will live alone in Nashville, I’m pretty excited but nervous. I know I will be more nervous when I get there, but for now I’m just taking things day by day.

I am still in a rut. On edge, no energy. All I’ve been doing is snacking and playing chess on my phone. Like literally all day. I sit through classes barely paying attention. My roommates are in and out, doing thier clubs or gym or studying and I feel like I can’t move. I’ll run into them downstairs sometimes, but mostly I try to avoid them. I don’t want to talk. I thought I was doing better goddamnit.

Went to visit my brother and sister in law today. They live an hour away but they’re the closest family to me, and I like hanging out with them a lot. I told them everything that happened, they knew a little bit of the story but no details. We were at a fast food place in a big college town, and I kept looking around because I felt terrified at the thought of people around me knowing who I was talking about, and going back and telling them. My normal mind is telling me of course not, but I’m scared the surrounding people knew the names of the people involved, and I just want to move on and never speak to them again. But anyway. Not much I can do about it besides sit in my own anxious misery. I’ll just wait it out I guess.

Besides that I had a good time. We joked around, I played with thier dog. I went to tjmaxx and found a nice smelling perfume.

It’s been over a week since my social media break. It’s been ok. I’m living. Finding myself not aching for it as much. Still I open Instagram out of habit sometimes. I am logged into my art and music accounts, though there isn’t much there besides those respective communities. They’re great, but it was the short form content brain rot I was trying to eliminate. And I think I have. Sometimes during lunch I will go onto YouTube shorts and watch some theory videos on shows/movies, or recently I’ve been watching this series where you get 5 clues to guess a book before the time runs out. But I think the difference is that I’m engaged. I’m no longer disassociating and mindlessly scrolling. I also don’t find myself going to YouTube shorts everytime I have an uncomfortable thought, though not thinking about. It. Has become easier as the weeks go on.

I’ve been reading more. I started two books, I’m almost done with Girl, Interrupted by Susana Kaysen. I’ve also been reading The Fall by Albert Camus before bed. I really enjoy both of them, I’m taking my time reading Camus and watching YouTube videos explaining some of the philosophy.

Got up early today and walked to the library to study. I have an exam at 10:00am, I feel quite nervous for it.

Parts of myself I want to be rid of:

- Social media addiction

- Daily disassociation

- Anxiety/Exhaustion/Depression cycle

Things I want to do:

- Skincare routine

- Eat healthier, cook my own meals

- Study harder, more frequently, efficiently

- Work out, walk/run around neighborhood