Waldeinsamkeit

A couple of years ago I wrote a short story that starts with a kid who cuts off the very tip of his finger by accident. The story later went on to be my very 1st concept for a novel and as this guy ages he always has this one part on his finger with a slight indentation where it was once cut off. It seeved as a literary tool, a sort of reminder, childhood and whatever happens in childhood, good bad or neutral, it all sort of sticks with you unintentionally like those thoughts right before you go to bed or some poor behavior you still have for no reason. It just sneaks up on you because od some slight reminder. Suddenly youre like "shit im an asshole because lucy in 3rd grade said that one mean thing to me and i never recovered." Or "shit i cant leave a cup out on any surface because i have this embedded fear my dad will come and take it before ive finished my beverage. So now I live alone and only own one cup that I carry from room to room with me because it gives me some sort of freedom but is also some sort of prison."

I would like to say that being back in school after a 5 year break is one of the scariest feelings I've ever had, but then I remember one day I moved to texas and knew driving down the street I never wanted to. 100 promises I made to people back home saying it was only for 2 years and i would be back. School is so much easier than obvious denial of ones self. I guess thats what texas has always represented to me and because of that it will never be good and never be for me and never be permanent.

Hello old tumblr. This 9 year old tumblr, or close to or something. 

If there is anyone still out there when tumblr was sort of a big part of my life, then maybe you’ll see this, but mainly i think tumblr is full of people much younger than me and porn, i’m not sure we are all still here.

In the last year my tumblr got kinda dark after it was a very super bright place of who I am. It got dark for a while and then i was diagnosed with depression which seemed like some sort of relief at the time. But as the months went by it still felt wrong, I was still wrong in my skin and I still felt, more than ever, that I was the only one like me in the world. With a little help I was then diagnosed with ADHD. It’s been a month now and I can honestly say it’s changed everything.

My entire life I have felt completely different from the people around me. Turns out I am, i’m different than about 98% of people, my mind works different. So knowing i had this “difference” lead my to try my best to act like everyone, to fit in, but my abnormality showed up from time to time in life, i got bullied, then i turned emo, then the artist, blah blah it was good anyway. The point is I’ve always felt so entirely different than people and I used to use this to empower me to show people different was still good. I think maybe my tumblr did that for people for a while. Then I lost someone close to me who helped me remember different is good, then i got tired from trying so hard in a new place, and loss plus exhaustion caused me to get depressed. But I’ve gotten some sleep and I’m feeling entirely different. Yeah, i mean i still feel entirely different from everyone, but I also feel good, happy, better, empowered, ready to move on, literally move on, i’m ready to leave texas and stop pretending to be someone else. I’m ready to be entirely me, ADHD and all. 

ever feel like no one fully understands you or that you can’t talk to the people in your city, and then your therapist falls asleep during your session?