Hi

You wanted this for SO long, hoped and prayed for it, and he finally gave it to you and you ruined it with your stupidity. You failed. Game over. He’s not going to try again. You don’t deserve it anyway.

While he criticizes your failure and points out all the things you did wrong, you know she’s somewhere lurking in the shadows, ready to console him and remind him what true chemistry really feels like. The conversation with her will flow naturally, like it does everyday, he’ll remind her how sexy he thinks she is, she’ll reciprocate the intimate feelings and deep conversation, and he’ll finally realize how much of a loser you really are.

LOL

Last time I went on a first date with someone else, I daydreamed that you would come and save me. You’d come around the corner, take my hand, and take me far away from there. You’d take me back home where I belong, with you.

But you didn’t come save me. And I had to fake a smile, pretend I had a nice time, and suffer the trauma of another man’s lips forced onto mine. I cried all the way home feeling ashamed and disgusting, took a long hot shower, and begged to crawl into bed with you.

Maybe this time it’ll be different. I don’t have anything better to do on weekends anymore anyway… lots of free space to fill. You don’t want me in your life anymore, right Azi? You’ll probably feel relieved if I become someone else’s problem.

You asked me if I considered you the only thing I look forward to each week. I told you that no, it wasn’t the ONLY thing I looked forward to, however, it was the part of the week I looked forward to the most. That was the truth.

Long distance is hard, and keeping that connection becomes a struggle as time goes on. Every night spent alone, and every morning waking up with an empty space beside you. Day after day, night after night. Year after year.

There’s comfort in knowing that the loneliness is just temporary, and excitement as I anticipate being together again soon.

Quality time with you was a luxury, limited to 4-8 days each month, and always cut short by the inevitability of having to say goodbye.

Like a puppy craving its owner’s attention, I’d patiently wait for whatever time and effort you were in the mood to give me. Always hoping that I’d get lucky and you’d give me a whole day of your time. Sometimes you did, and I’d spend the following week feeling so grateful. My favorite was getting to wake up next to you, enjoy the day together, and then going to sleep with you by my side.

But it was rare for you to ask to see me, and would often be at odd times during the day. 3:00 pm lunch. 10:30 pm dinner. Always in the moment, rarely planned ahead of time. Date nights initiated, planned, and executed by you were so rare they only happened a few times a year. I’m grateful for those moments and cherish each one.

Complaints and disappointment regarding quality time were always met with the same response. You just wanted to exist, alone, and you didn’t want to feel pressure to see me or plan anything. It didn’t matter to you how much time we spent together, if any. If we see each other, it’s cool, but you’re not going to go out of your way to make sure it happens. You spoke about it as if spending time with me was a chore, and made me feel selfish for expecting some effort and planning from you.

I felt so humiliated begging for more quality time with you and seeking your love and affection. Then I would feel completely pathetic when you’d give in and agree to see me. Like you were pretending to want to see me only out of pity and to keep me pacified.

The worst part was being shamed for not feeling satisfied with whatever you gave me. Shamed for feeling annoyed that you’d rather wait until the day is nearly over to spend time with me. Shamed for hoping you’d want to get breakfast with me after waking up in the same bed. Shamed for expecting you to show up reasonably on time when I volunteer to make dinner for you and am waiting on you to eat. Shamed for expecting that you would use your 10 day holiday as an opportunity to spend more quality time with me than usual, knowing how incredibly happy it would make me.

And finally shamed for thinking I deserved quality time with you free from the distraction of your phone, with you texting her back and forth every other minute. So busy engaging in a better conversation you ignore the girl right next to you who’s starving for your affection.

Thinking about all the funny speeches, words of wisdom, and heartfelt messages of love we’ll never be able to experience for ourselves.

Tuning out the wedding program and speeches, instead daydreaming about what our own wedding would have been like.

You would have looked so handsome and I would have felt beautiful standing in front of you, finally celebrating the end of long distance and the start of the rest of our lives.

Missing your “good morning” texts so much right now. There have been so many times that I’ve wanted to text you to tell you something that I’ve seen/heard/experienced today. Insignificant, amusing little moments of my day that I instinctively want to share with you.

I look at these men and feel nothing but annoyance. Annoyed that I’m forced into something I don’t want to do. Annoyed that they aren’t you.

How can I even consider someone else right now when all I want is you.

Every dog has their “person”, and as much as it annoys me I know you are his. No matter how many new people come into his life, he’s always going to be waiting patiently for you to come back. His dad, his protector, his favorite human.

He’s not going to understand why his dad isn’t coming home to see him. His time on Earth is short, and thinking about him spending the rest of his life waiting for you is devastating.