Udk_me

I jaut fi died reading that book!

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Sometimes I ask my self what would we be if you were still here, if we were still friends, if you never left. Sometimes I don’t understand why you did it but I know you did it for your own self. Sometimes I worry about you, are you happy? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? You moved on? You replaced me? You got the help you needed? How is your grandma? Your siblings? Do they ever ask about us? What did you tell them? Do they hate me? What have I done? I am sorry I don’t know what I have done. Sorry I was never enough for you. Sorry I wasn’t able to help you. Sorry all I could do was listen but you,you never listened to me. But it’s okay you were going through a hard time. Are you still going through a hard time tho? I am sorry you couldn’t feel special with me I tried my best to help. But I couldn’t help because I was in a dark place. I am sorry you felt like I was toxic for you. But how ? You never explained to me. If I haven’t texted you that day you weren’t have told me at all. I deleted every picture, every chat, I threw away almost all the gifts you gave me. Just one to be exact, I can’t get rid of the others, but how to get rid of every memory we have together they play rent free in my mind. I still remember every conversation, how we used to sit ,every place we visited together I can’t go to them again without thinking about you. I know I seem weak right now but I became stronger.

15 October 2015. Do you remember this date? You were my first everything. My first sleepover, my first “going out with friends”, my first time to Starbucks (I still order our drink sometimes), my first best friend .

I am sorry I caused you pain it was never my intention. Sorry I wasn’t enough. Sorry I couldn’t be here for you. You know they say communication is key, this is what you never did. I remember one day you told me “ I hope I’ll find one day a person that will take my hand and take my out of this dark hole I am in” you found that person? I did. Thank you for all the good memories, thank you for helping me find someone who is helping me right now. Thank you for not making memories with me about him or I wouldn’t the able to listen to his songs without thinking about you. He brings me happiness. He is helping me everyday. And most importantly thank you for leaving I know my worth now. I miss you every day but I realised after a long long time that I wasn’t toxic for you I was just giving back the energy you were giving to me. You were toxic for me our friendship was toxic but I can’t stop missing you I can’t stop thinking about you and when I do, I realised that something is missing but I found people that actually care about me. I just hope it won’t end tragically like it did with you.

Have a good life is the last sentence you told me so I am saying it back today without tears running down my cheek but a broken heart.