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Janaina Medeiros
will byers stan first human second
Origami Around
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wallacepolsom
Claire Keane
DEAR READER
Discoholic 🪩
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
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@alyssaismissing
what did this guy do to you girl??? Fuck men. I’d name and shame so no one else goes through the same thing
we were in an online long distance relationship. he love-bombed me for financial gain. while he is not a "catfish", he did lie and cheat on me with multiple women in the 18 months he was in my life (up until a month ago). he did the same thing to those women too. i've named/tagged him in relevant writing.
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i’ll mourn the you that was kind, even though you were in pursuit of money. i’ll pretend you’re dead, but i won’t visit you. not anymore. i know you long to think i’ll hold you as preciously as i do Jessie in my heart, but i won’t. Jessie loved me. you’ll be the greatest regret of my life, Fox. the thing you said you never wanted to be and you were scared of becoming; you single-handedly fulfilled that role. i’ll never forgive you for manipulating your way into my heart, learning of my hopes and fears, and then abandoning me. you can spin our story or the stories other women any way you like, and the next woman will think she’s struck gold, i know because i did too, but even your own stories are lies. the boy who cried wolf. you said to me that you’d be looking at me laughing and think to yourself “i’m going to destroy her”. you can lay blame and build castles on sand and spew the most romantic notions, you just can’t look in the mirror. the only thing that could really break you is yourself. you didn’t just get rid of me because you’d exhausted all you could, you did it because i was on to you. you underestimated me. this isn’t about unrequited love. you didn’t think i would ask questions or even find answers to those questions.
i made that little video in april 2020, but it’s been with me far longer.
loml
who's gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames? if we know the steps anyway we embroidered the memories of the time i was away stitching, "we were just kids, babe" i said, "i don't mind, it takes time" i thought i was better safe than starry-eyed i felt aglow like this never before and never since
if you know it in one glimpse, it's legendary you and I go from one kiss to gettin married still alive, killing time at the cemetery never quite buried in your suit and tie, in the nick of time you lowdown boy, you stand up guy holy ghost, you told me i'm the love of your life
you said i'm the love of your life about a million times
who's gonna tell me the truth when you blew in with the winds of fate and told me i reformed you when your impressionist paintings of heaven turned out to be fakes well, you took me to hell, too and all at once, the ink bleeds a con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme but i felt a hole like this never before, and ever since
if you know it in one glimpse it's legendary what we thought was for all time was momentary still alive, killing time at the cemetery never quite buried you cinephile in black and white all those plot twists and dynamite mr. steal your girl, then make her cry you said I'm the love of your life
you shit talked me under the table talking rings and talking cradles i wish i could un-recall how we almost had it all dancing phantoms on the terrace are they second-hand embarrassed that i can't get out of bed? 'cause something counterfeit's dead it was legendary it was momentary it was unnecessary should've let it stay buried
oh, what a valiant roar what a bland goodbye the coward claimed he was a lion i'm combing through the braids of lies "i'll never leave" "never mind" our field of dreams, engulfed in fire your arson's match your somber eyes and i'll still see it until i die you're the loss of my life
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auto-anathema
and i hope when you kissed my photo and placed me back in my spot alongside her you were hunched over clutching the sharp pang in your spleen and the palpitations in your chest split your sternum wide open and the pulp of your marrow that was once me, makes the sound of that of slop as it hits the floor seeping into the cracks of our foundation built on pillars of stardust and ammonia shapeshifting in a trench coat as often as a saturn day spinning on it's own axis from a broom closet no one is meeting you in. a talisman wrapped around your fingers as you play with the moon in your pocket, my hand in your back pocket stamps of rose gold in the sinew of you, the hymned-rustling of your keys to remind you and the smell of cherries filling the air when you open your nightstand invading your lungs, hairline fracture trigger flashback to the one you pulled on me the night we met when the sly reaper laid their hands on my shoulders and said "tell me a bit about yourself, miss" fact check, only druid, no doctor, only my laugh in your head shattering into a million tiny pieces and shards embedded won't let you play runed stag when sleeping dogs lie never far enough away ultraviolet chicory ringing in your ears and ragweed-tumbled tears your tapestry in an attic torn at the seams, a mirror image you would die to look at my polaroids in your wallet and words best left unsaid when you papercut yourself on the crisp edges of the book i made you of us sitting in a handmade box gathering dust under fairy lights entwined around your bedhead; aglow in guilt and the sheen of sweat that covered my breasts, dripping for you, wound tight by the strand of hair you kept me on, playing dead just to please you, but cash is a poor man's money, a thief in fogged-up glasses and a beanie while love like a sunset pt. 1 by phoenix plays. your justified modus operandi. ASW // june 2026
and can you feel it too
when i am touching you
and when my hair stands on ends
it’s saluting you
the blush in your cheeks
says that you bleed like me
and the 808 beat
sends your heart to your feet
left my shoes in the street
so you’d carry me
through a breakdown
through a breakdown or a blackout
would you make out with me
on the floor of the mezzanine
the red tree by shaun tan
kuka sinä olet? meaning "who am i?" mitä sinä täällä teet? meaning "what are you doing here?" my teacher "Miss Turner" in grade 6 was unlike any other. she was 21, fresh out of university and implemented all these new ideas and ways of learning that didn't involve a blackboard and reciting words on an overhead projector. she would let each of her pupils shine and took an interest in every single one. she wrote me a letter once and i kept it, then years later i went to visit her at my old school and gave it back to her to show her i'd held on to those words for a long time. in the years since, she saw me in a musical in grade 8, she attended my 16th birthday, i've met her partner and her children, i helped her set up her new classroom. she and i are still friends to this day. this book makes me think of her. she introduced this book to the class for book week in grade 6, and it has stuck with me ever since. i didn't understand why at the time, or why amongst all the beautiful pages of art and words this page stood out to me the most, or what the red leaf on every open page meant. it wasn't until years later i understood. this book, this page is engrained in my identity. in 2019, i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. this is why amongst all the chaos of my childhood and adolescence, i resonated with this. i was always reaching for more. over the years i've gifted this book to a handful of people and even gave away my own copy attempting in vain to be understood. they probably sit on a shelf gathering dust, or in a box waiting patiently to be picked up, or perhaps thrown out. not me though, i'm still here. reaching for more. my favourite book since the age of 12. spoiler: the red leaf represents hope. find the red leaf 🍁
21 year old baby alyssa // 2011
the killers Happy birthday @BrandonFlowers! Please, no presents, but he’ll have one for you real soon.
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THRASHER, The 3rd Studio Album by Brandon Flowers
when you love me
you love yourself love god herself.
four winds
drunk around the fire // albury 2020 four winds by the killers
golden afternoon
i hope i can be tender again that my singing bruises fade to yellow grazes from kneeling on false steeples scab over ruptured muscles torn in two can be sutured the broken bones of my ribcage mend marrow born anew powdered gold dusted over my frailty ASW // june 2026
it's all good and well that i'm writing about my experience, my anger and sadness about my relationship with Fox. what happens when i'm alone though sifting through the evidence i hold that he loved me and the evidence i now hold of someone who scams women online for affection and money? what is there to reconcile? the same person that called me his wife mere months ago has now erased me completely from his life. it's so hard to follow the path of what's right versus how much my heart hurts. the person who named our children we'd have one day and said we would be married, living together. amongst many other things. the goddamn despair i feel. what the fuck do i mourn? do i mourn what could have been? mourn that i was a means to an end? am i even a loveable person? he's in my phone, my computer, songs, movies, games, jokes, my bed, even my shower. the universe has a funny fucking way of making everything seem so right when it was never right to begin with. it's a cruel joke. what happens to the love i gave? where does it go now? if he never meant a thing he did or said and i was saying it to the hollow, where did it go? are soul mates real? is love truly this unkind? am i able to be held without being too much? the questions that replay over and over in my mind are "did he ever really love me?" and "was any of it real?". there are no answers. what part do i wrap my head around first? i have a few good days and then he slips back in. can't sleep properly, can't eat much of anything, the sickness i feel in my stomach and the clench of my jaw all remind me. even my dreams aren't safe. i want to stop crying. who the fuck am i?
i’m just fucking shattered.
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i'm spent. just so truly and utterly spent.
