Tbh I think a lot about the underrated horror of what Caligula specifically wanted to do with Lesterpollo. Like. I don't recall Lester himself thinking of it in this exact way too much in the narrative, but I think that wanting to literally be Apollo, and trying to flay what little essence was left of divinity out of Lester's body was horrorific in a way Nero and Commodus weren't.
Ofc Nero and Commodus were horrible in their own ways, but all three members of the Triumvirate present their own unique brand of awful.
For Caligula, I think about how insanely invasive and creepy wanting to literally be someone is. Nero will settle for Lester killed with a little flare. Commodus's main goal was also to kill Lester (deep down I don't think that's what Commodus really wanted, but I don't think he'd realize until he'd actually done it and realized it didn't make him feel fulfilled.)
But back to Caligula. For Caligula, killing Lester is not enough. Even killing him with all the flair both Nero and Commodus wanted to is not enough. Caligula isn't planning Lester's death with all that fanfare because he wants to make a big show about it. He's doing it because he has to conduct the proper rituals, which means peeling Lester apart layer by layer and consuming every part of his essence.
He does not, of course, manage to do it. But I think so much about what it must be like to fear dying in the most invasive way physically possible. Dying at the hands of someone who is picking apart all of that which makes you you. Dying at the hands of someone who is consuming your divinity, your powers, your very soul. It will be agony and it will be so utterly exposing.
If Caligula had gotten his way, Lester would've died with every private, intimate little moment stripped from him. Every emotion, all the dread, fear, shame but also all the love and joy, laid bare for Caligula's taking.
All for someone who is obsessed with this idolization of who Apollo as a god was and what Caligula thinks that means.
That, too! Distracted by his trials and used to a lot of attention and worship, I don't think Lester quite puts together how odd Caligula's level of obsession with him is. He doesn't realize how weird it is to be the subject of Caligula's idolization, treated by Caligula as something to be claimed and consumed. Within his own inner monologue, he acts as if he finds wanting to be the sun the most natural thing for a power-hungry emperor, and sure, yeah. But like. He is obsessed, specifically, with this false version of who he thinks you to be, Lester. And he's going to kill you to become you.
Then there's horror of Caligula then intending to walk into Olympus and take Apollo's throne and the fear Lester had that the other Olympians may actually allow it to happen.
Lester was hunted down by Caligula, then lured into a trap. He began the painful experience of having his very life essence strained from him. And if that process had actually finished, he would have died fully believing his family was about to let the man who obsessed over having Apollo's identity to the point of murdering him and consuming all that he was simply take his place in the family.
Now whether or not the Olympians would've actually let Caligula be one of them is another matter entirely, but since I'm focusing on how Lester feels in all of this and what he imagines the situation is like, what matters is that Lester thinks that'd be how it would go down.
All of this objectifies Apollo, both from Caligula's perspective and Lester's own. It treats being "Apollo" as some sort of thing to have instead of just... who Lester is. And Lester himself contributes to this objectification when he believes that if Caligula takes the identity of Apollo, that will be good enough to also take his family and other connections on Olympus, his sunhorses, his home. Everything. Not just everything in Apollo's memories, not just all his powers. All his connections with the people around him on Olympus and everything he owns, too! Caligula's now, as if being the Apollo the Sun God matters more than being Apollo the brother, the god, the friend, the person ever did.
All this to say, I think when looking for angst we overestimate the force of Caligula's sheer obsession with becoming Apollo.
Too tired to coherently analyze but I don’t wanna forget so imma just put it down. About that last part, Lester not viewing it as a weird thing that Cali wants to become Apollo:
I just thought of how both in this context and outside of it he himself (Lester? Apollo?) thinks of “Apollo” as this third body idea which is separated from him. He is Apollo and Apollo is him, but he keeps saying “Apollo is such” “Apollo doesn’t such” etc. He treats his own identity as a glorified (or hideous, depends) persona that is. Not him. But something else. And he does it so naturally and so mindlessly that it doesn’t even read too weirdly.
Could it be because he currently literally isn’t his old godly Apollo self but Lester the mortal? Could it be that his entire life has been a facade of intricate masking and so much of “Apollo” is now dishonest role play bullshit that he doesn’t even associate this role with himself? Could it be that he doesn’t WANT it to be himself, because that would be too painful - both for terrible things “Apollo” has done or experienced, and for how he used to be so powerful but is now (relative to that) completely helpless as Lester? Could it be because a god is more than a persona with identity, memories and experiences but also eternal, eldritch divine force which (to Cali’s delight) may be taken away from the identity and passed onto someone else, yet remaining the same thing
Maybe. Idk. Just something to think about
me: see "apollo as third body idea"
my brain: hey kinda like how nero separates himself from "The Beast"
me: holy shit another apollo-triumvirate parallel add to cart
He's so fascinating






















