Ally Unlocked

I think about a million people have probably made the comparison of motherhood being the equivalent to the metamorphosis from catapillar to butterfly. You may be made up of the same DNA and cells technically, but you might come out of the cocoon with entirely new colors, or the same colors but an entirely different pattern. Even though it feels more like the stages from meal worm to Beatle, especially when I look at myself naked in the mirror. I'm not gonna lie, I'm still working on a few things.

Unfortunately for some of us it refers more to our character rather than our appearance and to be honest I really wish I came out of the cocoon adorned with beautiful symmetrical colors but the only thing I've come out with are saggy tits, dark stretch marks, and a stomach made of cottage cheese... but at least the women I am today has depth, sympathy, wisdom, and passion. It was hard to find. It was hard to see my life as more than a literal bag, but not one drifting through the wind wanting to start again. No. More like a milk bag, or punching bag, or a hand reaching into a bag of chicken nuggets to put into the air fryer because my 4 year old decided its the only food this month.

But I've finally come out of the cocoon, it only took 4 years, one incredibly happy 2nd baby, and a move accross country. I've finally regained passion I was craving, I've shedded the cocoon and I don't wanna see that ugly ass caterpillar or hear her name ever again. I've reclaimed myself, I've found adventure, hope, and joy in every day life. So yeah. I hope you come a long for the ride? Also if you know me... no you dont.. please.. I'll delete the whole page if someone I know finds this so just pretend you didnt.😂

Here's to finding more magical bridges to cross on this journey to achieve happiness 🥂

It makes me so happy to feel the passion for the kitchen again. I for a long time thought I had lost it. Lost a large part of me. I thought being a mom, doomed to chicken nuggets from a bag was all I would be. I didn't wanna touch a knife, and the thought of having to plan another week of meals daunted my every dream. But I found what I needed finally.

I found it in the fresh start of the move, a far more functional kitchen, and a yard fit for a garden this up coming spring. And when it all came to fruition with the move, I knew I had to use the momentum and start SOME WHERE. I couldn't wait till spring for fresh produce. I had to start. So I started with my sour dough starter, then I started fermenting vinegars, and cutting up whole chickens bought from the store, making my own yogurt, and finally this past week fermenting my own kombucha. Once you've got the spark you've got to add the gas if you want to light your fire. The more gas the bigger the fire.. And boy have I started a large one. And the experiments in the kitchen really brought me back to the reason I went to culinary school to begin with. I love food science. And even if I'm not doing exactly what I thought I was going to be when I started my degree, I regret absolutely none of it. Even if it didn't lead me to a traditional career. Why can't home making be my career? The answer is simple. With amazing supportive partner who is on the same page as you. It can be. And it should be.

After watching hours of videos, and making years worth of plans to build my home stead empire. The facts are there, not only will being a home maker and forager, save and potentially make us money in the long run, but I can truly be part of a movement that can help save the earth. There is not only so much satisfaction in making things from start to finish on your own, but so much satisfaction knowing you're reducing your carbon footprint. Also definitely a bonus, but I'll probably survive much longer than most in a zombie apocalypse 🤷‍♀️ 😂.

I may not believe in a God in particular, but I dont not believe that any persons God could be true or real. The truth is that I don't know. And unlike many I'm not afraid to admit that. I think a lot of people feel the need to devote themselves to something and I don't think that's a bad thing. I think some people need something specific to live by and to get them through. But I devote myself to being good by human nature. And some times I truly think the universe thanks me for it. It's either that or extremely good luck.

You see I didn't always believe in fate, until my life felt like it was crashing down around me. My relationships with my parents were failing (as theirs was simultaneously comming to an end) , my actual relationship was crumbling down with it and I sincerely thought I was going to flunk out of college. But then one day I got kicked out of class, for something silly, ended up in a coffee shop (okay maybe it was a gas station but that doesn't sound as romantic) dressed to the nines, seeing a familiar face.

From there the rest is history. I realized my strength. I realized that I needed nobody even if they were blood, if they wanted to be there they would. I realized just because some one was amazing and nice, does not mean they have to be for me. That sometimes life styles, and goals can be a reason not to be with someone. And that overall the only person's happiness I was responsible for was my own. I learned these lessons hard and fast. Like ripping off a giant band aid.

Long story short, I got my diploma in the mail, found the love of my life, married him and now I've moved 2 states, had 2 beautiful children. And my husband might be started nursing school very soon 🤞. And me? I'm happier than I ever have been. I've moved to nicer weather, started going on small adventures, and I'm working on starting our home stead while we grind through nursing school, on our way to the ultimate goal to travel the country and then the world. Together with our children.

The possibility I could spend 10 months in those to come, taking care of 2 children completely alone. After just moving our entire family across the country to start fresh. No friends to help, no one I have even an ounce of trust in to watch my children here to give me even a semblance of time my self. And feeling as if I've nearly lost my best friend and best part of me, to a 7 hour time difference. The thought rips apart my mind. And what's worse is we just don't know. It might happen. Or it might not. But until I know, I feel like I'm grieving as if it's already a reality.

10 months is a long time. Too long of a time. And I know, I know people have it worse. People do this all the time, but not me. And it doesn't feel okay. Nothing feels okay. A person could make an entire new life in 10 months. Come back an entirely new person in 10 months. And having no power, no say and feeling helpless. I just don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't even know where I'm going with this post. Or what the point in posting anything here at all is now at this point. Do I continue like life is going to be normal in 6 months? Or do I just succumb to the sadness that's over whelming every cell in my body. It's the type of sadness that makes your whole body feel cold no matter how hot the shower water is. And I just don't know what to do.