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Dear Alma,

I’m in my 50s, twice divorced, with no children. I have a demanding job that keeps me busy and seriously disrupts my social life. I’ve been dating a man I met in the office. Things are going really well and we agreed to take the next step and meet each other’s family.  When we met my family all went well. We recently attended one of his family gatherings. While there, I met his sister. He loves his sister and they have a really close relationship. Here’s the issue, after we met and he walked away, she was really mean to me and implied that I was not her brother’s type of woman and I should not expect a relationship from our friendship. I was shocked, to put it mildly. She was totally crazy with it. I like him and I don’t want to end our relationship. Should I tell him what his sister said? If I do tell him, how should I do it?  Thank you, I can’t wait to hear your take on this.

Sister Problems

Dear Sister Problems,

I’m clutching my pearls right now. Are you serious? What the what? And you let her walk away without tripping her down the stairs? OK, maybe that’s just what I would have done. Well, she tried to check the wrong one, because you’re just not having it. Did you hear me? Hold on a minute, while I turn on my desk fan. I’m not sure if I’m mad as H-E-double hockey sticks or just having a hot flash.

Dear Alma,

Ten years ago, I relocated to a new city. I wanted to meet new friends, so I joined an online dating service. One man in particular I met and I really liked and slept with the same week. It didn’t turn out the way I wanted. He didn’t call me back, and that was the end of it. Now, fast forward to the present. For the past six months, I’ve been dating the man of my dreams. I met his family over the holidays. As soon as I saw his brother, I immediately recognized him as my online one-night stand from all those years ago. He didn’t seem to remember me. Now, I don’t know what to do. Should I tell his brother or keep it to myself?

—Name withheld

Dear Name Withheld,

I’m a firm believer that the truth will set you free. Or, in your case, it will let you go and forget all about you. I can just imagine, in my mind’s eye, you mingling at the family soirée. You spot your old fling from across the room, almost choking on your drink, thinking, “Lawd, is that him?” ROFL. Girl, that took me back for a minute – 1982, Columbia, S.C. A similar situation happened to me. Life can be so funny. It just depends on how you look at it.

Ok, now, let’s get back to the nitty of your gritty: You say you spent a minute with this guy and he didn’t recognize you. Hmm, I guess that can be good and bad. Are you sure he didn’t remember your voice, your smile, your laugh? Ten years is a long time, and as much as we’d like to think we all will remember every mini-hookup, sometimes, as the years go by, they fade into the darkness of our memory. Shallow but true.

Soooo…unless somebody took pictures, I wouldn’t worry about it.

Your relationship is still new. Take time to see where it leads. Hypothetically speaking, if you contacted his brother and had a Jezuz, Mary and JoJo moment, what’s the outcome you would expect? You need to ruminate on this.

Ask yourself, is it worth the risk? Men, I think, have a stronger bond when it comes to sexual partners. You will never marry this man if he knows you’ve slept with his brother. That you can take to the bank.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to keep secrets. For example, your favorite midnight snack. Do we really need to know you mix peanut butter in your Thanksgiving stuffing when nobody’s looking? Those types of secrets should remain in your brain. Before blurting it all out, weigh the potential damage and benefits. Remember, truths hurt, and family pains can stroll the long way to forgiveness.

Obviously you’re considering the effect this might have on your boyfriend and your relationship, and I do understand and commend that. But on the other hand, I’d suggest you take this deep down, underground secret and lay it to rest. If it ever surfaces, like after you’re engaged or married, you say firmly and with conviction – “I don’t remember that.”

That’s your story – now stick with it.

Sincerely, Margie

This may be a silly story, but I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating about six years now. We’ve had our ups and downs and all, but this by far has been the worst I’ve ever felt. He cheated on me with my BFF. I found out five months later because my “BFF” (who is no longer a friend) decided to text me and tell me. So when I confronted him about it, he kept lying, saying she came on to him first, but she would say he did first. I didn’t want to believe it at first because I trusted him SO much, but then I got a couple other calls from a few other women saying that he’s been messing around with them as well. That’s when I knew he HAD to be cheating. Of course, I was heartbroken and all that, but I just don’t know what to do … I wanted to get married have kids, etc. I wanted this relationship to work, talk out our problems, but at the same time I’m not letting no man cheat on me.

— Signed,

Need some advice!

ANSWER:

This isn’t silly ‘Need.’ You’re a bright girl, and you already know what to do.

Like so many others, you could wait until after you’re married and after you’ve had kids, while he continues to mess around on you, if you’d like. Marriage doesn’t prevent someone from cheating. You don’t get married and then all of a sudden become honest. And TBT, I’ve got a feeling that part of your relationship will never change.

For the past six years, you seem to be comfortable parked on the road of deception. Enough is enough. When he crossed the line with your BFF, that was your cue. It doesn’t matter who initiated it. Both are liars. Don’t just drop her; drop him, too.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, offer her the same courtesy. It will bring you peace of mind. They both are equally to blame. Stop, rewind, play it again. I think my sistah’s need to hear me one more time – they are BOTH equally to blame!

Let-Him-Go! You may not feel it today, but after you’ve moved on, you’ll be on your knees shouting a prayer of thanks, wondering why you stayed so long.

Chalk this up as a life lesson. In your next round of relationships you’ll recognize those red flags immediately! You don’t need my advice — you need confirmation. So here it is. I’m giving you permission to walk away. Believe that you’re able and capable of being a part of a lifelong, loving relationship. Don’t look back.

Dear Alma,

I have made the mistake of a lifetime and I just don’t know how to get over it. I was out with friends, met a guy at the club and we hooked up. He was never anyone I’d ever want to get in a relationship with. He didn’t have a steady job and was still living with his mom. He is cute, but doesn’t have anything going on right now. I recently found out I was pregnant. Yep, I’m having a girl. I sent him a text for us to meet, so I could tell him, but didn’t show up. I called and we talked and decided to meet. AGAIN, he didn’t show up. I have my own job and my own place. I don’t know why he won’t step up and take responsibility. He won’t even answer my text messages anymore or answer the phone. I don’t understand how he could act this way, when I meet all the requirements of being a good woman; he is just throwing it all away. I could go back to the club and see him. I know where he hangs out. How in the world can I raise my baby by myself? Alma, what can I do to get him to do the right thing?

Signed, One-Time Hookup, Lifetime Responsibility

Dear One-Time,

Stop blaming him for your baby blunder. That’s right, I said it. He wasn’t “good father” material when you met him. What were you thinking, if you watched “Daddy’s Girls” and clicked your heels three times, things would work in your favor? You put yourself in a position to become a single mom, so rise above the foolishness and handle your business. Do what you gotta do to build a home for you and your daughter. Plan, budget, save. You can do it.

Stop depending on someone, who isn’t dependable. Stop reaching to rely on someone, who is not reliable. Stop reacting to someone, who is not dealing with the reality of having a child. I could see if he had a job, could pass a drug test and scheduled regular yearly teeth cleanings, but that’s not who you’re dealing with. The truth of the matter is, you don’t even know this guy.

Dear Alma,

My 17-year old-daughter claims she has a boyfriend. I said no u don’t you’re too young. Now she says she wants to chill at his house for a little while; she says his mother said it’s ok & will be there & it’s ok with his mother. I want to talk to this mother. Am I overreacting?  I don’t like this & don’t know what to do. Is this age appropriate for dating & going to his house?

Momma

Ohhh Momma, you know what I’m thinking. I’m thinking the same thing you’re thinking – which is, what we were doing at 17, at his house, on the bus, in the lyeberrie (I know it’s spelled library) LOL, which is where you told your Mama you’d be studying. We thought we were being grown and our mother’s knew all along, just like you will. I think 17 is an appropriate age to visit a beau with parental supervision. And no, I don’t think it’s overreacting to contact the mother of her “so called” boyfriend. There’s no need to become instant BFF’s. All that’s required is the two of you should maintain an open line of communication.

Now, with that being said, indulge me for a minute. Everybody knows a teenage girl eats drama at every meal; it’s a part of her digestive system. The quandary is how much of her drama requires you to hover, so here’s my two cents.

All of our daughters should be given the benefit of the doubt until proven differently. I think it tears at their confidence to be reprimanded for something they cudda, wudda, may have done. I’d love to see you give her some slack and see what happens. Don’t force her to carry your “when-I-was-a-young-girl” handbags of blunders and burdens. She’s entitled to make her own mistakes. That’s an expected part of life, and you’ll be there, full of mother wisdom and direction. Offer trust and teach her what it means to be trusted. Believe in her and let her know that you expect her to make the right choices when necessary. Your side-eye will keep her on the straight and narrow.

Dear Alma: I’m 48 and single. I’ve had a great life with good friends and loving parents who are both now deceased. I travel for work, which is why I haven’t settled down, married and had children.

Last year, I was home for a family funeral and my cousin asked if we could spend more time together. I said yes, and last month we agreed that I would spend a weekend at her house. She’s married, my age with three teen children. I thought it was a great idea.

We grew up together, and it was long overdue for us to catch up.

The night before I left her home, my cousin said she wanted to share something with me. She showed me some papers she had found among her own father’s things after he died. These papers prove that I was not my parents’ biological daughter. Her father and my father were brothers.

My father has been dead for four years, and my mother for six. I have been walking around in a daze. I was never told that I was adopted. I don’t know who I am. How could my parents hide this from me? I’m so confused I can barely function.—  Signed, Adopted and never knew

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Hey now friend, thanks for reaching out to my column. I can’t imagine what it feels like receiving this kind of information, especially after your parents are deceased.

Understandably, you want answers and would like to know what happened. I sympathize with you. I know you’re angry, insulted, heartbroken and confused, but please don’t gravitate toward the emptiness of feeling like an orphan.

The reality is that you had loving parents. I can’t say whether the decision not to tell you was right or wrong; we don’t know the whole story. But what I can say is your parents evidently thought it was best that you not know.

You and I are close in age. We were born in the years of “keep your business to yourself.” That mentality is long gone now. We live in a society where everybody’s business is on Facebook and Twitter all day, every day. I’m not defending your parents. I’m simply reminding you of a time when private family matters had their place.

If you feel a need to find your biological parents, you should reach out to the Adoptees’ Liberty Movement Association. If you decide not, that’s absolutely ok, too. We all have family secrets. Most are carried in deep pockets of guilt and shame. But not all of them were meant to hurt us, which I’m sure is the case in your situation.

Dear Alma, My husband was married very young, from the age of 20-22. The marriage was a disaster and they divorced without having a conversation or even seeing each other in court. He didn’t contest it or show up to the court date. She recently found him on Facebook and asked if she could give him a call. When he came and asked me about it, I said it would be ok. My husband and I are very close; we have successful adult children, and a lovely grandchild. We are very active in our church. I said yes, because we’ve had a wonderful life, a happy and loving 25 years of marriage. I was ok with it at first, but lately they’ve been having long conversations on the phone and what I thought was going to be a one or two time thing, is still going on. He talks to her while I’m in the room. They seem to have a really good friendship building. My patience has run thin. I recently told him the conversations need to stop and he said no. She’s not married, lives in another state, and has cancer. He says he wants to be there for her, but I don’t think that’s his place. I trust my husband but I don’t trust her. I think she is lonely and just reminiscing about my husband. I know I opened this can of worms but what do I do to put the lid back on. Should I threaten to leave and give him an ultimatum?  

Dear Alma, My neighbor and I have been friends for three years. I relocated from out of town, so it was a relief when we hit it off and started a wonderful friendship. We both have children around the same age and our husbands are friends, too. Both families have been on vacations together and, like I said, we all get along great. Recently, though, there seems to be one problem that I think is pretty big but my neighbor doesn’t see as much of a problem at all. Our two oldest children are starting junior high school and we have two very different ways of parenting. She’s more of a what you’d call an organic, sunflower, easy-going, “let it go” kinda mom. She’s carefree and lets it flow. I’m fine with this approach – for her kids. By contrast, I’m firm and what some might call a helicopter mom. My kids have rules, they have chores, they do work for their allowances. Her kids don’t have any responsibilities. They just play. My rules include no television during the week and homework must be completed when my kids get home from school. The trouble is, I have had to take on a part-time job – FYI, I’m not happy about this — and she’s now looking after my kids after school. To return the favor, I take her kids on weekends to give her a break. As second moms to each other’s children, how do we, best friends and neighbors, find a happy medium between our parenting styles when caring for each other’s kids?