Ripen

I didn’t know. I thought I would. I thought I’d know for certain the day of babe’s birthday. I had been in early labor for 44 hours. I hadn’t lost hope, but I had doubts of how much of this I could handle. It was unbearable at times and the thought that active labor had ceased to begin became a war with my mind and body and heart and soul. And yet time kept passing, inching along, with false alarms, delirium, more pain, anticipation, trust coming and going. Sleeping in between contractions from sheer exhaustion. I wish I could remember if there was a catalyst that triggered active labor. Maybe it was the point I just said fuck it. And stopped waiting for it to come but instead let it arrive. Holy shit. Back to back. Sometimes two in a row with no time apart. The cramping across my low belly and into my pelvis is indescribable. The back pain. The pain in my rectum. Everything clenching together slowly like a coming wave, reaching its peak and then crashing only to pick back up again. All the different positions I tired. Shower felt great for a while. I mostly stood and leaned forward holding myself up with my hands on the bed. I couldn’t level my pelvis out for some reason so I always kept one heel lifted from the Earth. I eventually moved to the ball. Still leaning forward, this time my hands were on my thighs. I would moan deep. Trying to sync sound with sensation. Breath with sensation. Time kept passing. Morgan arrived and she came into the bedroom where I had spent almost all of labor, sat down quietly on the floor behind me. Spoke softly. She must have sensed what I had been feeling for days, no contact with the Earth. Just air swirling into my fiery belly and me floating around the ethers. She kept telling me to ground down to Earth, with her hands pressing my feet into the ground. Let all my muscles be heavy down into my pelvis, down my legs and out my feet. Let my breath draw down, down, down (my mantra from earlier). She lightly pressed her hand on my back during contractions and reminded me to let my wight drop. I eventually decided it was time to sit on the toilet. As soon as I peed, a gush of water spilled out. My water broke. I was so relieved. Morgan acknowledged my intuition to go at that time. It was on the toilet that my next contraction asked me to push. I thought it might be too early for that. I was scared I’d also be doing that for endless hours. Morgan tried getting the tub set up in time, but Hannah (asst. midwife) hadn’t shown up because she was at another birth so a different one eventually came…Elle. I enjoyed her presence. She was quiet and gentle. I moved to the bed, started pushing on hands and knees which felt really intense. Morgan asked me what was more important - pushing my baby out asap or rest? I chose rest and I eventually was propped up using the peanut pillow and I was lying on my back. Holding the backs of my knees for dear life. 3 of the strongest forces of pushing I honestly didn’t know I was capable of. Lots of grunting. Morgan suggested I start holding my breath in my diaphragm and push once, sip of breath but keep holding baby there, another push, breath, and one more push, contraction over. Blood would rush back into my head, I’d feel a rush of oxygen come back to my body that made me feel like I would pass out. I’ve never been so hot. Gav was next to me everywhere I went. Lied next to me on the bed the entire time holding a rag to my head. Whispering to me words of encouragement. He’s never been so proud, amazed. How strong and beautiful I am, how capable my body is. Morgan kept telling me each push, turn your baby, turn your baby, push your baby down, down, down, out your butt out your butt out your butt. Baby is so close to meeting you. I then, hysterically, in between contractions, heard a song I didn’t like and asked Elle to turn it. Gav laughed at this and will always remember that. Music is powerful and I was obviously riding some rhythm in my own body. I remember many songs and thinking what an awesome playlist I made. Haha. I was getting closer. I couldn't tell for certain how long because I’ve never experienced this before. I don’t remember contractions being painful anymore because I was using them push. It felt like pushing allowed me to be productive in my labor. Although it felt like my rectum was going to explode.  It was the weirdest sensation because I obviously know how babies are born! I felt a push start to open my vagina and noticed right away the start of the ring of fire. Morgan said for me to feel babe’s head with my hand which i did, and me being the smart ass I am said, “I’ve seen pictures before and I’m not that close!” It might’ve only been 3 more sets of pushes after that when baby arrived. The ring of fire is so real. But I thought the contractions were worse. Babe surprised me when her head popped through, sunny side up, posterior, and then her body a second later. Holy shit! she was born to the song Nectar Drop by DJ Drez. One of my all time favorites. Her umbilical chord was super short and she couldn’t reach all the way up to my chest to feed. Not until the placenta came out which took nearly 30 more minutes. Not painful at all and felt kinda nice. We waited until the chord turned white; meaning there was no more blood flowing from me to baby, and she got all the nutrients and good hormones she could possibly get. Gav wanted me to cut the chord. He said he felt like I should be the one to part ways with this incredible organ I spent the last 40 weeks growing. I lost so so much blood. Just on the verge of hemorrhaging. And just on the cusp of needing pitocin. Thank god I didn’t. I also had a a hemorrhoid on my bum. But I didn’t tear. Babe was on my belly for a while and I stroked her back. Cried. Gavin and I in pure bliss. Love. It was so special. A snap back to reality. A piercing so quick and sharp. They moved my placenta to a it’s bowl and placed it near my side so babe could get her first latch. Success! They turned her over to check if she pood and to everyone’s surprise had the biggest pile of meconium they’d ever seen! With more snake like turds still coming out! They had to take a picture for show and tell. Babe was happy. Her big conehead….weighed 6.09lbs, 15 inch head, 19 inches long. Super long eyelashes like her dad. Born at 12:20 am Monday August 26, 2019. Same day as Gia’s birthday. This special little girl. Named Riviera Rose Spencer. Already felt love like I never had before. Insane. Gav was beyond my wildest dreams. And to think he used to not want kids. This is what he is made for. I’ve never seen anything so natural and sweet and patient and loving. It is extraordinary. and the way he still looks after me…spoon feeds me. We are lucky ladies. We are in love. And over-tired. But never, ever been in so much love. What a dream.

I almost don’t know what day it is. I haven't slept for what feels like weeks. I could barely hold my head up right when I was wishing time away in the early morning. I’ve been having contractions for two days now. Something I hadn’t expected or anticipated for myself. It’s been mentally and emotionally more of a challenge than it is physically. Although the pain/intensity is definitely a shock. I have a feeling that my journey is slower because my nervous system is healthy and know what it needs to regulate and digest everything in manageable bites. Physically there are moments where my extremities don’t feel apart of to the Earth. That there is just a zingy air collecting in the fire of my core and womb. I think that is scary. To not necessarily feel whole-bodied. Just a concentrated human form breathing/living according to nature and its own accord. I keep praying to goddesses and wild woman to hold me and hold my hand through this. They are here with me. I ask them to take me “down, down down, down,” and descend into the deepest caverns of my heart...where a council of women hold me in circle. My body has yet to find that rhythm and cycle to let babe pass...but each time Gav touches me or speaks to me the oxytocin gets released and triggers another surge. That is our rhythm, And that love is so real in the way it shows up through our animal instincts. So beautiful. This too shall pass. Babe will be born. Life and death I am in awe.

The waning moon in Gemini was yesterday. I felt a bit overwhelmed with the thoughts of when babe was going to arrive. Yesterday was her due date and there was some anxiety about next steps since she wasn’t here yet. we started discussing induction methods with the midwife which made it even more stressful on myself. Then she gave me a cervical exam and everything was great. It was the first one I’ve ever had an it was really interesting. We had my parents over for dinner last night. Gav and I went to bed, had sex, and contractions started happening. At 12am I couldn’t sleep without noticing them. At 1 am I starting timing them to see if there was a pattern. About 10 min apart, lasting 60 seconds building intensity. It definitely feels like I need to poo..sam was right. My body feels really light, like everything is centered at my core. Not much sensation in my limbs, almost like I’m high. But at the same time I feel very grounded to the Earth. Every intentional breath is delicious. I keep reminding myself to loosen my jaw and throat and lips. That feels good too. I want to keep it dark. Relaxed, restful as best I can. I prayed/chanted to goddesses before bed last night. Her and wild woman answered my call. They are here with m now. I am grateful. I am beyond words in what I feel towards this ending. The of pregnancy and the birth of this new life. On the precipice of the biggest change I’ll ever experience. It’s right here. It’s happening now. I honor it with my whole heart and soul. So thankful for this gift. Staying present the best I can. Sending loving kindness to my heart and this babe’s. My husband. Our family. All this love.

The presence is hard to maintain...becoming more difficult as each day passes. And there is a feeling of disjointedness between the process - living in the real world and simultaneously being steeped in this magic portal of birth. It doesn’t feel aligned today. Or supportive when Im feeling scattered. It can’t hold a human the way they need to be held. This style of living. So today I hold myself. I stroke my hair, I wrap my arms around my body, I incase my heart with my hands, and let tears and breath flow. As I am today, sending loving kindness to my heart. Tired, unsexy, dirty, smelly...all of those unkind thoughts are getting doused with compassion. Compassion takes stregnth. And my sleepless night last night needs a boost of strength, of love love, , of holding close. We are close to the end here. And to the biggest new beginning we could ever experience in our lifetime. That’s enough in itself to make one’s mind explode. It feels close to a mayday moment. And then here I am. Impermanent being. Impermanent life. Impermanent experience. Impermanent time. One day the light to new beginnings and all things will burn out, and a new cycle will begin. One that is not apart of my world. One that doesn’t involve me. The cycles of life are beautiful, extraordinary, magical, tragic and heartbreaking all at the same time. How does our heart do it? How can our human shells, our souls, hold so much? Have this capacity to live this fully and be part of of something so big yet insignificant? What is the point? The earth’s purpose? Ours? Life? Death? For what? Why? Who/what are truly answering to...?A pitcher of water, pouring out, drowning everything, picking up debris, flushing everything out, flowing anew. 

via mysticmamma.com

I haven't kept track of many pregnancy symptoms in awhile. I’ve started to gain weight in my arms, sides and under my chin. It’s to deal with sometimes. Then I remember that fat is used to store energy. The extra energy for birth the better. I am healthy. I have to trust my body knows what to do, it does. My feet and legs have been swollen quite a bit as well. The skin around them feels so tight and uncomfortable. I get shin splints easily. For a little over a week now I’ve had what I think are contractions, menstrual cramps back aches, all signs of labor, but nothing progressing yet. Another need to trust. The anticipation is at an all time high..it could even increase as time goes on. But I must remember to stay present. I can’t do anything nor do I want to. This is my body’s and baby’s dance and I am purely watching in awe. Why interfere with my complexes> Why interrupt this beautiful art?all the while I have a husband and family who have been incredibly generous. Their hands and hearts researching, hunting for me, and preparing nutritious meals for me and for my baby for our well-being. It almost feels undeserved. But I am grateful beyond words that my heart feels shy. The love is big, its new for me welcome this in: the help, the support, the care.It feels amazing. We are blessed. 

Riviera, River, Reef, Rio...all ecosystems of water. Water =life force energy-->creativity-->the slit between the Earth’s thighs--> women’s birthright-->women’s life force energy-->connection to soul and spirit and wild psyche-->imminent need for creativity’s pulse running through our veins. Pulse of creative life force. Page 321 & 329 of women who run with the wolves.

When I envisioned the full moon this morning, I saw bubbly moon, with baby inside a bubble, drippingg down from the atmosphere among stars, and me flying through , arms spread open ready to catch her. Water, air, black, white, starry sky. The message being: all beings are divine creatures, connected to much more than this topside earth. Our home is an entire galaxy of things we cannot see but know to exist within us and without. Even if we never connect the dots there is an element deep within us that'll make sure we never forget. This vision is symbolism for one being who literally comes fresh from this connection...knowing...and has been journeying far far away to remind another being. This human being (me) is about to be reunited with something/a force she has gotten close to on her own, tiny whispers gave her hope all along..and this is a major gift. She is ready to open her world, expand her heart to new territory. It is a match made in heaven. Not everything expansive has to feel like growing pains. How often do we get new firsts in our life? That requires/asks of us our full presence, like a newborn discovering their fingers and toes for the first time? The sweetest love affair, astonishment, amazement of this beautiful, surprising, unfolding, ONE LIFE? 

I start my embodiment practice nested w/pillows. I put a blindfold over my eyes. I put my hands over my heart, slide them down my belly. As I invoke a prayer to feel into my inner power & desires, I can’t help but notice how the sides of my underwear are swallowed by my belly & thighs. Luscious woman. Full. Contained. Safe. I breathe deep for nearly 20 minutes. Visualizing a down & out, up & in breath. One that feels like the letter J. I exhale with my whole heart. Moans, sighs, all the sounds begin to unfurl off my lips. Massaging the walls of my throat. This activation, vibration begins to build the pressure upward. Where else can my innards escape? Express? Fuck. Here come the tears. The fear. The sheer terror of birth bubbles across my brain. Pops, then oozes down my esophagus, into my heart, blazes in my belly, settles into my womb. I am fucking terrified of this experience that is fast approaching, imminent in my current wake. I am afraid of the sounds I will make, the sensation, the body opening at its own will, the blood & fluids, the exhaustion, the reality that this is nature, physical life force moving through me. Little old me. Can I handle that?! I breathe deeper, not getting caught in that thread. Of course I can handle it. I envision this orb of trust. Another orb of warrior-like power. Another orb of relief. Another orb of safety. Another orb of astonishment. Another orb of rest. Breathe. Then it hits me…how fast that moment comes. From baby inside my world to outside IN this world. I anticipate it being too fast to digest. How can I savor the most monumental change from a human taking their first breath on this plane? Is it possible? I trace that imagined moment back to my initial fear. & all I get is this wisdom that the entire experience of birth is the purest portal of love. The sacrifice of the physical body. The endurance to meet your grand love. The words, the gazes, the touch of others there to support you. The divine presentation of a new life. Natures way. The heightened presence, instincts from those in the room. The accessibility to the deepest parts of your being. A gift from nature. A necessity/requirement of birth. Something we spend our lives trying to embody, offered as a refuge, and to all the possibilities. All of this, even the fear, is the most delicious love. How can I squeeze every last ounce of it and drink this potion when I need to remember? My body will never forget, it’ll be coded into my DNA. Mind and heart… will you remember? I breathe. I sway my pelvis back-and-forth, left to right. Soften my insides. I noticed my lungs are no longer competing so strenuously against my belly. The baby has dropped.