Stray Soda Cowboy

Getting constantly told your wrong, even when I know I am correct and otherwise ignored. (I pronounced gyro like euro and was repeatedly corrected to guy-row and no actual commentary on the actual conversation otherwise).

Getting constantly 'one upped' you at every opportunity even when it doesn't make sense. Like trying to one up my disability by talking about how she was beating her's a bit. To I was asked my age and said I don't count anymore as it emphasizes how long I've been disabled to a "well I'm proud of my age". To actual examples of bragging.

Literally anytime I spoke it was one of the above or I would be ignored altogether like I wasn't even there.

And then you got the needs to question every fucking choice of my life because I can't just wear a mask and no covid isn't a good enough reason! Luckily it was also for allergies which that was okay to use it for.

Going over boundaries. Pushing even when I say no. No respect for myself. The constant insisting I remove the mask. Oh sure for 'pictures' where she's right next to my fucking face!!!! The exact reason I need it!!! I also wasn't allowed to wear it in the car.

Oh the touching. The constant touching. Even insisting I was going to fall and she had to save me when I was fine. Explained I was fine. Still tried to save me again.

Don't forget the dangerous driving that made everyone in the car fear for life.

I got a cold from the trip too. A day with emotional destroying family. Barely got to hang out with the actual people I went for. Like I was there with him maybe 5 minutes? Before everyone took him and he had to leave. Didn't even get to say my cat's name.

I didn't even introduce the fact I had one on my terms. I got prompted and then shut off. The only reason I got 5 minutes was his dog almost bit my hand so we got to talk in a make sure I was okay way only.

And I find out today the aunt known for her hoarding called me a hoarder. My home ID literally cleaner than hers. It is messy because I'm fucking still going through the shit of a dead man. I have all my shit packed up. It's his shit I'm going through and trying to figure what to do with you're calling hoarding disrespectful ass.

I have made so much headway. You don't know shit. You're a disgusting person with a selfish black heart and yeah I see why people want to use narcissist for things like this but no. You don't have npd like I do. You just were raised wrong and don't look at anyone who isn't in your religious bubble worth seeing as we are. You find yourself more righteous for being something different.

It's obvious you cling to what you find your own and attack the outsider. Where we went was more messy with a hoard of things, if my home is a hoard her's definitely applies, but she is fine because she is your sister. She's of your clique.

I am an outsider so you scorn me while you don't have a floor to walk on in your own home and my cat runs wild in the open space.

Yet even as I type this and prove I can rationalize I was treated unfairly. Three people during the trip even telling me so and even trying to get behind me...I still am worn down and harmed by it.

Why does it hurt me so much even when it's wrong and I'm aware? Surely the awareness means it can't hurt?

Why am I destroying myself from asses I care little for when I am so certain of their assness?

Why? Why?

Why can't I just ignore it move on and be happy it's over?

Why doesn it cling to me like a smell I can't wash out?