Sirius: Oi, watch it! You couldn’t see me there? Seriously?
Remus: Not everyone’s staring at you, Sirius.
Sirius: That is untrue and you know it.
James: [Turns to the familiar sallow-skinned kid] Hey, I know you. No, wait, don’t tell me…
James: Ah, right! Snivellus!
Sirius: Slimy, slippery, slithery Snivellus. How lovely it is, to see you again.
Sirius: Congratulations on getting sorted, I suppose. You must be so very surprised that you did at all, being the brainless-
James: -brawnless git that you are.
[Their synchronised gazes flit between the sour Slytherin boy and pretty redheaded Gryffindor]
Sirius: [His face is congenial but his voice makes no effort to hide his sarcasm] I can see what you see in him.
Remus: You should be nicer.
James: I am nice. I’m nice to all people: large… [Condescendingly sizes up Something-Rather Snape] …and very, very small.
Sirius: Don’t look at me. My family isn’t filled with the friendliest of folk. The closest thing I’ve got to Nice is that I know it’s a splendid place to holiday sur la Côte d'Azur.
[Snape whips out his wand]
James: Expelliarmus! Hey, come now, Snivelly. We’re having a conversation, here.
Sirius: Interrupting was rather rude, you know.
James: Gormless Gorgons, does he have eyesight problems? Maybe he really didn’t see you before.
Sirius: Nah. I think he just enjoys being an impolite ponce. Petrificus Totalus!
James: I think she has somewhat of a point. I think Snivellus looks a touch uncomfortable there.
Sirius: I think you’re right. I think he’d be much more homely hanging from the chandelier.
James: How considerate of us, old chap, putting the needs of others first.
Sirius: Quite, kind noble. Would you like to do the honours, this time?
James: [Puts on a show of bowing respectfully] Wingardium Leviosa!
McGonagall: [Mouth tightens as she storms towards the first year boys in her house] Potter! Black!
Sirius: Oo, there go the lips. I heard that if you make her mad enough, they disappear completely.
James: You up for the challenge? Raise her ire, and a maybe a little hell along the way?
Sirius: I feel like I should be offended you even felt the need to ask me that.
Remus: Okay, Sirius, last batch of girls.
Peter: Please, please say one of them looks familiar.
James: Apparently none of them look familiar.
Sirius: No, hold on. Hold on. Yes. That one. The blonde Ravenclaw. The fittest one in the middle.
James: What is she? A year above us?
Peter: You are my hero, Sirius Black.
Sirius: Why yes, I am. As I should be.
Lily: [Distractedly walks by the future Marauders] Excuse me, what do- Oh. It’s you lot.
Sirius: I’m terribly sorry. We sincerely apologise for, hm, what was it that we were doing wrong, exactly?
James: Blinking too loudly?
Sirius: Breathing a tad funny?
James: You don’t like us. You don’t know us, but you don’t like us.
Peter: She’s in our year.
James: Right. The angry ginger.
Sirius: Snivelly’s lady friend.
Lily: I can still hear you.
James: I’m sorry. It slipped my mind. Can’t believe I forgot about you, er…
James: Nice to see you again, Evans. You’re looking well. Angry works for you.
Sirius: Although I have always been partial to blondes, I must say that I agree on that.
Lily: I’m not angry, I’m just irritated.
Lily: Not so much all of you. [Looks apologetically to Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew] But you, Potter, and you, Black, yes.
Sirius: Simply because we forgot for a moment who you were?
Lily: No, because you speak to people as if they’re below you.
James: I’m almost positive she’s talking about Snivellus.
Lily: Would you stop that?
Lily: Stop talking to people as if they aren’t there. You never seem to properly talk to people. You talk at them, over them and about them with no care for their feelings. You talk to people like they’re dirt, and that’s why I’m looking at you like this.
Sirius: What did we specifically do that was so awful?
Lily: You call him names!
James: Where you derived ‘Sev’, yes?
Lily: You are impossible.
Sirius: I only call them as I see them.
Lily: You cursed him last week!
James: He drew his wand first, if I recall correctly.
Sirius: You do. The greasy git went for that mangled stick of his while I was mid-sentence.
Lily: I don’t care. You are jerks!
James: That sure stung, that one did.
Sirius: I am unsure whether we will ever be able to recover from that fatal barb.
Sirius: The embarrassment!
Lily: Just because somebody doesn’t have a fancy magical family, doesn’t mean they’re inferior to you.
James: I agree. [Peers almost nervously at his new friend who also happens to be a Black] What say you, Sirius?
Sirius: I think a lot of people are inferior to me, regardless of who they are or where they come from, because I already know I’m better.
Sirius: Apologies. I assumed you were already aware of that. [Holds out his hand] Sirius Orion Black. Pleasure to meet you.
[Lily crosses her arms, unimpressed]
Sirius: [Dramatically rolls his eyes] For the sake of argument, I don’t give a toss about all that pure-blood nonsense. But I do believe in my own brilliance. I only get more and more brilliant, the more you get to know me.
James: You should believe it too, Evans. Have you seen this bloke’s hair? I mean, look at it!
Sirius: Thanks, mate. And you? You have great teeth.
James: Your singing in the shower? Excellent!
Sirius: I admire the way yo-
Remus: -Are two you going to flirt all day?
Sirius: If we feel like it.
James: I have faith we could last that long.
Sirius: Merlin knows the endless many things there are to compliment me on.
James: You haven’t even seen me on a broomstick yet.
Lily: Your heads cannot possibly get any bigger! Just stop being so stuck up and stay out of my way.
Sirius: You are not the boss of us. We can do anything in any manner which we choose.
James: We are fully entitled to decide how we act on any given day - stuck up or otherwise.
Sirius: However, the rules of a civilised society may frown upon a certain obvious display of snobbery, so if that is your argument-
Lily: -I don’t have an argument!
James: We can give you a moment-
Sirius: -and ourselves a strategic sidebar-
James: -to formulate one if you want to continue.
Sirius: Translation: she concedes.
Lily: I don’t like it when people hurt my friends.
James: And you react when goaded.
Lily: I am not goaded. I am so far from goaded. Get out your compass, and I will show you how far from goaded I am.
Sirius: I think we’ve got a serious debater in our midst, gents.
James: And she’s ferociously loyal, lads. We’ve got to give her a louder hand for that.
Sirius: 'Angry ginger’ was spot on. Nice one, James.
James: Tell Snivellus we said hello.
Sirius: We promise to remember you instantly next time.
James: Now, Evans, can you actually tell me that wasn’t fun?
[Lily is speechless and her face is red while all the boys but James start to walk off]
Lily: What’s that? A book?
James: No. That is what I want you to call me from now on. [Winks and struts away to join his friends without a backward glance]
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