Mr. Nefarious

Dear God, Are you still there? I haven't forgotten how to pray... I just don't know what so say... but I believe you hear my heart, and I know that the deepest part of me is calling out to the deepest part of you. Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna!

As I sit here, alone in this restaurant, I can't help but to think about my life and all the experiences I have had up until now. I have fallen in love thrice, and have been heart broken each time. I have had the privilege to travel the United States to perfume in front of thousands. I have made many friends and connections all over America. And yet... I still feel alone. I've had plenty of "lovers" over the years and have accomplished great things. And yet... I still feel empty. I sometimes look out into this nothingness and wonder if life is really worth living. It probably sounds morbid, but I frequently think about what would happen if I just died. No explanation, no warning, just passed away. I often wonder sometimes if I would have a funeral, and wonder who would come. Would there be speakers? What would they say? Would there be music? Who would sing? What would they sing? Would people cry, and if so, why are they crying? Different would life be now that I am gone? Now, can I be honest? I know that many people would show up. But I ask myself, why do I not reach out to them now? The truth is that I feel that many of them wouldn't answer. I know that they all have their own lives and their own issues. Why call them with mine? It just doesn't feel right to me, so I just sit and suffer. I live life on the surface because I don't want to disrupt the lives of those around me. I haven't talked to God in so long, I'm not even sure He'd hear me. So badly do I just want to lie down, close my eyes and never wake up again. But there is something within me that wants to live. A light that flickers with hope that I will overcome these obstacles of depression and anxiety. A spark, setting fire to faith that I am more than this moment. More than this season of dry, desolate, barren land. I call to the rain, "bring streams to this wasteland!" I call to the wind, "breath life into these lungs!" Call me from the grave and I will walk among the living. I could take my life and be done with this world. But I am not a quitter. Life is hard, but it is indeed worth living. It is worth the adventure, the love, the lost, the pain the suffering, the triumph, the defeat, the ups and downs... It is worth it. From this day forward I will live by this... Life is a bitch, and then you die. So why not give her hell while you're living?

It feel like it's been years since I've prayed. I stopped because I thought that God may have stopped listening. It's kind of a hard pill to swallow, you know? The feeling that the God of the universe and all that is has turned his back on you? It's like a punch to the gut. You begin to just live life. Some days are good, but some days feel like you're walking through cement. It was fun at first, going out and partying. Hook ups and casual encounters. But it takes something from you, doesn't it? A piece of you is chipped away. You went looking to be fulfilled but left emptier than when you came. After a while you just long for embrace, comfort and rest. Peace. I realize, as I sit here in my car, staring out into the world with eyes filled with tears that what I am longing for, no one but God can give to me. I just wish I knew where He was. I wish I could find Him again. God, if you are still listening... have mercy Father. Have mercy. I ask for grace and mercy, Father. Amen.

Gawd, I hate being gay!!! It's so hard to make friends when all guys see is a penis attached to abs. Long story short, I'll be living the rest of my life friendless and alone. #depressed #gaylife #ihatebeinggay

As a vocalist, as a part of my degree, I have to take Choir. For me, choir has always been a time to learn and enjoy the vast knowledge and culture the conductor has. However, college is a whole other story. Of course, if you thought band and choir geeks were bad in high school, just think how much worse it gets in college. The fact that they are away from their parents and are surrounded by their peers more often, you can imagine the shenanigans that go on. What sucks is that as they move up and advance in college, so do their egos and their need to distinguish between "us" and "them". If I may be honest, the worst of them are the guys. Why, you ask? Well, most of them are either experimenting with their sexuality or going full force queen!!! Either way, they're all a bunch of hormonal divas. And the crazy thing about divas is that if you're not "in", then you're "out". And good luck trying to talk to them. It's pretty much like talking to a wall. The difference is that a wall won't sarcastically smile in your face and then talk crap behind your back. But then again, what more can you expect from the queens of today? Exactly!

What If... Surprisingly, it is indeed possible to be surrounded by and interact with thousands of people a day and still feel alone. Especially in today's society where we are so quick to swipe left or right on our apps. What really astounds me is the fact that apps like these actually start to seep into our everyday lives and effect the way we see people. We no longer see people as living, breathing human beings, but photos, profiles and things to be kept or cast away, based on our own preferences as to what we believe is attractive or acceptable. We wouldn't dare say the things we say on social media or these "dating" apps to people's face for fear of retaliation and a lack of control of the situation. We pride ourselves for living bold and out loud on the screen, when behind closed doors we are the complete opposite. We expect others to be perfect, and at the same time, expect them to accept our flaws. What if we actually began to truly accept people? What If we began to actually treat people the way we would like to be treated? What if we saw people as actual human beings in need of real, authentic interaction, instead of pictures and profiles to be cast away or kept in hopes that they might have swiped right on you? What if...?

It's kinda hard to love yourself when the world tells you that you're not worth loving. And it's hard to see yourself as attractive when you don't fit the mold the world places in front of you. I look through magazines and see billboards and realize that none of the guys displayed look like me. I may be tall, but I am no where near "skinny" or "slender". I may be strong and muscular, but I'm no where near "chiseled" or "cut". I'm not a hairless twink nor am I a body builder. I'm just an average 6'1", 205lb guy. I have love handles and my stomach sticks out a little more than I'd like. I have a beard and chest hair that I refuse to shave. I have my own place, my own car and make my own money. Why isn't that enough?

Triceps, biceps and shoulders today. I think I'll do some legs tomorrow lol #trisbisshoulders #hurtsogood #gettingfit #gettinglean #thisisthebeginning #lovingmyselfmore #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #selfieswithj

Did some chest and back today. I'm a beginner and don't really know much. However I can only go up from here. And everyday I am awaken is another day to show myself that I can be better than the man I was yesterday #gettingswole #thisisthebeginning #chestandback #feeltheburn #gettinglean #gettingfit #lovingmyselfmore #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #selfieswithj

00:07:10 mile this morning!!! New record!!! Now let's go dem legs boi!!!!!! #gettinghealthy #gettinglean #legs4days #glutes #lovingmyselfmore #bettertoday #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #selfieswithj

Blasted my biceps and triceps today. You can't see it now but there's a hot and healthy, lean, muscular guy somewhere in there, and I have an obligation to bring him to life!!! #gettingswole #gettinglean #gettingfit #gettinghealthy #gettingsexy #lovingmyself #lovingmyselfmore #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #selfieswithj

They ain't ready for Dinter Time!!!! #verity #gettingfit #eatinggood #theyaintready #dinter #yaaasss #numnums #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #selfieswithj

Lunch TIME!!!!!!!! #eatyourveggies #eatyoursaladandshutup #eatyoursaladnodessert #gettinglean #imbringingsexyback #bigchestsmallwaist #numnums #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #selfieswithj

Baked garlic sweet potato!!! Come on somebody!!! #eatyoursaladnodessert #deliciousandnutritious #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #selfieswithj

Up in da gym working on my fitness and yeah I'm rockin dat snow leopard #gettingstronger #gettingthere #onmyway #beastmode #bouttopounceson #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #selfieswithj

Wait... What?!?! You didn't know the Muffin Man was black?!?? Well, he is!!!! #MrJsBrownBagCookies #DamnDanielBackAtItWithTheBaking #gettingpappuh #realmenbake #icanteachyoubutihavetocharge #seriously #selfieswithj